Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Caffeine

Your Brain on Caffeine

Im going to write about something that may be upsetting to some people.

I'm going to talk about the dangers of caffeine.

So, if caffeine and you are best friends and it's something you aren't ready to hear yet, I suggest walking away now because my husband quit cold turkey the day he learned all this 😁


Let me ask you something.....Why do you think caffeine is added into soda and other beverages in the first place?

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Wearing Lingerie


I know this can be a touchy subject so as an addict, and my husband also being an addict, I'm going to explain the reasons why I personally don't wear lingerie anymore.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Should My Husband Take A Polygraph?

If Your Husband Struggles With a Sexual Addiction Should He Take a Polygraph?


I love polygraphs.


I believe all sex addicts should take an annual polygraph.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

LDS Mormon View On Masturbation


"Masturbation is sex with self. Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."
- LDS author Andrew Pippanne, creator of the website rowboatandmarbles.org


One CANNOT masturbate and still enter the temple worthily and the LDS Church has been VERY clear on this. Going to the temple unworthily not only hurts oneself, but it hurts one's family and children . But just because an unlearned bishop, ward member, friend, therapist etc. gives permission (or doesn't specifically "ask" it in a temple interview), that doesn't mean God gives permission. It is a huge sin to enter the temple unworthily.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Questions To Ask Your Husband

If you just found out about your husbands addiction and are going through the full disclosure, these questions may be helpful to ask.




Friday, June 17, 2016

Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Sex Addicts?


Do I attract dysfunction?


I used to believe so. And yes, this may be the case with some people. With my first husband I definitely sought out a person who would let me drink and not protest it (turned out he was an addict too)

BUT hear me out.

If statistics say 70-80% of men are looking at porn now days (and those are only the ones who admit it)........

Then you could be the most healthy person in the world and guess what? The odds are still against you. :(

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Commanded To Forgive

 Must We Forgive Those Who Harm Us And Is Forgiveness The Same As Trust?

LDS.org Quotes

The quotes below have brought me comfort. At first, I honestly didn't even know what the word "forgive" really meant, despite hearing the word so often growing up.  I think it's important to remember that forgiveness doesn't have a timetable. There's no allotted time ---- "Oh, your husband cheated on you? You have 6 months to forgive"---- ha. No no it doesn't work like that.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

70% of Men Look At Pornography

Pornography Statistics



These are some more recent statistics from all around the world (and some old stats taken before smart phones) that show a general pretty consistent 70-80%-ish range of men look at porn at the very LEAST once a month. Addicts are notorious for lying about the frequency of porn use, kinda makes you wonder what the REAL percentage is.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Gaslighting is Abuse.

What is Gaslighting?

 Quotes & Resources

1.
Oxford Dictionary states:
"Gaslight - Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity"

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Is Sex a Responsibility?

  Is it Your Responsibility to Have Sex With Your Husband? 

Quotes From LDS Mormon Church Leaders

Many wives struggle with feeling like it is their responsibility to have sex with their husbands. Thankfully, I believe the LDS Church is very clear on this subject.

If anyone ever tries to convince you that your husband needs sex and that it is your duty as a wife to be "available" for him, please refer them to these lds. org quotes. ✌😁

Friday, April 1, 2016

Is the Addict Label Helpful or Hurtful?


 

Many people believe that using the term "sex addict" is detrimental, and should no longer be used when treating sex addicts because it causes them to feel too much shame.

I can definitely see how someone could feel shame by calling themselves a sex addict. I can also see how someone could feel shame by saying "I look at pornography all the time and can't stop".

Monday, February 29, 2016

Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤


Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?


Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era

&

An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/08/drunk-again-living-with-an-alcoholic-parent?lang=eng

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Why Do Addicts Lie?

Why does your addict husband lie?


Because their brain believes complete honesty will kill them.

Haha no, seriously.

It seems silly to think that the brain would really think it would die from being honest.

Hear me out...

Sunday, January 3, 2016

STOP Those Annoying Advertisments & Friend Suggestions

 Make Your Computer Safer!

Here is a list of ways to Opt-Out of many different types of "Interest Based Ads". I suggest opting out of all of them for every browser (chrome, Firefox, etc), and on every computer and/or iOS/Android device.

Ever go shopping online for something, for example let's say "shoes", only to then see ads for shoes pop up everywhere online afterward?
Yep. Those are called Interest Based Ads. Companies track your data (age, location, online history, your online likes and interests etc etc) and they use this data to send you advertisements customized to YOU and your computer's Advertising ID/IP address

Lame, right?


While this feature may seem harmless to someone who doesn't care to see innocent shoe ads, sadly this feature can be very dangerous to unsuspecting victims when there is someone viewing pornography in the home. No one wants their kids to get online and see those dang inappropriate sex/dating ads all because a family member was surfing porn an hour earlier ha, ok? No bueno :)

While using these steps to protect your computer won't completely remove the threat of unwanted exposure (Don't get me started the havoc pornography viewing has on the nasty spam emails that can get sent to everyone who uses the computer and the computer viruses pornography causes), these will definitely help reduce accidental exposure.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

PTSD Diagnosis Criteria

  Is My Betrayal Trauma Actual PTSD?



(****Attention: Before you automatically rule yourself out after reading Criteria A, read the definition of Sexual Violence at the bottom)





"CURRENT DIAGNOSIS OF PTSD IS BASED ON 8 CRITERIA FROM THE DSM-5 :


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Addiction Dictionary : Definitions of Common Addiction Terms


ADDICTION - 1. "Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior/rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences."
2. LDSmag. com Addiction Definition:
Addiction exists when the repeated use of a mood altering substance or behavior (of any kind) has created a dependency on itself so intense that the person doing the behavior cannot find the will-power to quit, even when the behavior is causing serious damage to one’s relationships, health, employment, and personal sense of serenity and spirituality.
3. LDS. org Church Guide Definition:
Addiction is a persistent dependence on a harmful behavior or substance. It can disrupt the ability to listen to the Spirit and limit agency. Many who struggle with an addiction suffer from shame or a sense that they are unlovable. They may feel discouragement and despair that recovery is not possible. Yet with God, nothing is impossible"
(Note: *** Lack of fequency is not always an indicator of addiction. Acting out can be once a day, once a week, once a month, or even once a year etc. and still be an addiction)

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION -  1. Pornography addiction is a behavioral addiction characterized by compulsive, repeated use of pornographic material until it causes serious negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.         
  2. Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts
  3. A condition that has been defined as a psychological addiction to, or dependence upon, pornography, characterized by obsessive viewing, reading, and thinking about pornography and sexual themes to the detriment of other areas of the viewer’s life
  4. Prolonged viewing or pornography - books, magazines, movies, or Internet pornography - that has destructive effects on the life of a person"

SEX ADDICTION - Is a term used for any addiction that is sexual in nature. Therapist Doug Weiss CSAT PhD states "Since pornography is sexual, we consider a person who is addicted to porn a sexual addict or sexual compulsive."
Includes but not limited to, sex, pornography, or masturbation addiction, prostitutes, brothels, voyeurism, or sexual fetish addictions etc etc

ACTING OUT - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sensual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Pornography, Masturbation, Infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife), & Massage brothels.

PORNOGRAPHY - 1. Any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. This includes scantily dressed women in bikinis, lingerie or revealing clothes, scantily dressed woman in comics, cartoons, or art, sexual content in books, risky material in movies, TV shows, phone apps, or games. For many men this also includes scantily dressed women at the gym, women's UFC fights, & the dancers during sports games.
2. LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography -
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."
&
  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
&
"Pornography by definition is the display of that which is obscene and licentious."
Elder C. Gary Bennett
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/06/i-have-a-question?lang=eng

MASTURBATION - 1. To stimulate yourself sexually. In other words, to have sex by yourself, with yourself.
2. Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation
3. Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse."
4. Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies.
5. Lds author Andrew Pippanne/Rowboat&Marbles Masturbation Definition:
"Masturbation is sex with self.Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."
6. Lds .org Spencer W Kimball:
" Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal emission or wet dream. "
(***Note they use the word "usually" and not "always". Sexually stimulating oneself with, or without orgasm, is still masturbation.)

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention because they can easily lead to relapses. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

RELAPSE - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume acting out after a period of abstinence. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

Friday, October 30, 2015

Codependency vs. Trauma

I first learned about the term codependency from the book Codependant No More. I like the book Codependent No More. It taught me some very interesting good concepts that I loved. It helped me be more aware of myself. But does the term Codependent automatically apply to spouses of sex addicts too?

Most likely not.

Instantly labeling a spouse of a sex addict "codependent" the moment she finds out the world has flipped over can run the risk of indirectly putting inappropriate blame & shame on the spouse, and can in turn indirectly cause the spouse to tolerate and enable the addict, which puts themselves in further danger.

PTSD Trauma vs. CODEPENDENCY


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Unconditional Love and Boundaries

Unconditional Love Requires Boundaries

Enabling is NOT Unconditional Love

 

"And know ye that ye shall be judges of this people, according to the judgment which I shall give unto you, which shall be just. Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." 3 Ne. 27:27
un·con·di·tion·al:
        1. without condition or limitation; absolute.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Recovery: What It Is and What It Isn't

What Is Recovery?

Wanna know what the grande ol' mystery to Recovery is? The answer we all search for when figuring out if our husbands are in Recovery? Yes?

This may be hard for some to accept.

You ready?



Sunday, August 2, 2015

Does Your Loved One Have These Symptoms?


Does your sexually addicted loved one have any of these ADHD symptoms?:


Lots of anxiety

Racing thoughts (mind won't shut off)

Mind goes so fast it becomes flooded and too overwhelmed, which often leaves one feeling tired and sluggish (aka. Feeling of running in water)

Poor reality testing skills, and avoids reason or logic.

Feels depressed and hopeless from feeling overwhelmed.

Simple tasks bring lots of anxiety (groceries, walking dog, paying bills, social activities, talking about feelings, yard work, dealing with kids etc)

Often gets "glazed over" look when being spoken directly to.

"Lazy"

Impulsive

Forgetful

Loses things easily

Constantly late

Disorganized

OVER-organized

Overwhelmed by responsibilities

Always moving and restless (tapping toes, nail biting, tidying up, bouncing leg while sitting, cleaning, fidgety etc.)

Tendency to become absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding. aka "hyper focused".

Underestimating the time takes to complete tasks

Interrupts or intrudes on others.

May have zero concept of boundaries and other's personal space.

Sense of underachievement

Doesn’t deal well with frustration

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability/Defensiveness

Emotional Dysregulation/ Mood swings (which can sometimes mimic bi polar)

Trouble staying motivated

Poor planning abilities, unable to follow through consistently or complete tasks. Ie. Making plans one day, and then completely changing their mind the next, therefore things only getting done depending on mood.

Hypersensitivity to criticism

Short, often explosive, temper

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Bored easily

Doing a million things at once

Poor sleep patterns, often not rested.

Difficulty in making up their mind, or making choices without undue anxiety.

Impatient, continuing difficulties in delaying gratification.

Overly demanding may become self-destructive and aggressive.

Unable to follow simple tasks and directions if the task does not hold an interest.

Gives up easily on tasks, assignments.

Can't keep a job

OR

Overworks and uses working as an escape/ At the end of the day they can't leave "work" AT work.

Friday, July 17, 2015

I-Statements

 How To Communicate

"We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice — that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost', and say, 'I lost it.' ” - Sydney J. Harris
Let's face the facts. Communicating is FREAKING hard. It can leave us feeling exposed, and being vulnerable is terrifying and uncomfortable.

Frankly, most of us were never taught how to communicate properly are often using the skills we learned as children from our parents...... who also didn't know how to communicate properly. :)

I-statement's are a helpful communication tool wrapped in pure golden magical goodness. They are statements or responses that refrain from saying "you" or "your" as much as possible. They force us to think about how we are really feeling.

I-Statements -

Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the another person on the defensive. They are also used to acknowledge and take ownership of our own feelings.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Real Cause of Addiction.

And It's Really Not What You Think...


I felt I needed to write about this article going around,

The Real Cause of Addiction, AND It's Not What You Think :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
(***Warning: Be careful of the thumbnail articles on the right hand side of the article. Sometimes they are risky)

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Choosing a Therapist

"Do I need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist?"

I don't (don't hate me) believe a CSAT is always necessary. Beneficial for sure, but not always necessary. CSAT's can be hard to find in your area. I think the trick to finding a great therapist is by researching and asking lots of questions.


For a therapist, I would choose a Psychologist who knows about trauma and addiction over a LPC counselor who is CSAT certified ANY day. I mean, there ARE many many great LPC's who know a TON about trauma and addiction from their own life experiences and who intuitively "get it" so they are great at digging into the past, but they are harder to find. HOWEVER, if your only option is a LPC or a LPC CSAT certified, definitely choose the CSAT.



Sunday, March 29, 2015

LDS Church's View On Emotional, Sexual & Physical Abuse: Quotes & Definitions

What Is Abuse


I think many of us hear abuse and we instantly think it only means being physically beaten and that unless we are being physically hit then it's not as serious. Sadly this is not so, Emotional Abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse (Learn more about emotional abuse HERE). MANY of us aren't aware of the LDS church's stance and definition of abuse, even some of our own bishops and ward leaders.

Ive compiled a list of quotes from lds.org regarding ALL types of abuse straight from handbooks, manuals, conferences, apostles, & prophets. The Church takes this matter very seriously. Please pass this info along, even quote them to your ward leaders if needed.

Knowledge is truth and light!



LDSChurch's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse :




* Abuse and Cruelty -


"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop. Instructions for the bishop are provided in Handbook 1.

Abuse Definition


Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Affirmations Heal

What are affirmations?

I'll explain in a way that helped me understand them (cuz I used to think they were hippy bs haha).

We all have learned some incorrect beliefs about ourselves in our lives somewhere along the way, whether in childhood, as teens, or as adults etc. I call these Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs ---- "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm not important, I don't deserve good things, I'm unlovable, I'm unsafe because I don't deserve to be safe. I can't do anything right" etc etc etc.


We ALL have them in varying degrees one way or another.
Now, how would it make you feel if a loved one called you names like stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable etc?

It would hurt your feelings right? 


I believe when we put ourselves down we are doing the same thing to ourselves. It hurts us. Except we've done it to ourselves for so long we've become desensitized to it so we don't realize how much it's actually harming ourselves. This in turn becomes MORE damaging because it is often done on a subconscious level, and VERY VERY frequently and habitually. Just because we can't consciously feel it, doesn't mean it's not doing the same amount of damage and is not hurting us.

Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs can cause addictions, diseases, disorders, physical and emotional pain and can literally wreak havoc in our bodies. 

So how do we counteract these negative beliefs? If putting ourselves down by subconscious thoughts and phrases can tear us down and hurt our body, mind, & spirit........then couldn't we also correct those negative beliefs by counteracting them with positive phrases?

I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM SAFE.

Luckily you don't have to believe affirmations for them to work at first.

When I started saying affirmations I definitely didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. It felt like my insides were screaming "NOOOO YOUR LYING!!!!!! How dare you say it is safe!!!!!! LIAR!!!!" , and the more I said affirmations, the more those screams became like the wizard of oz witch haha "NOOOOO I'm melting I'm melting".
My affirmations were literally a direct "attack" against my negative beliefs. My negative beliefs saw the affirmations as a huge threat. So I had to say the affirmations a lot for the idea to slowly sink in enough for me to even CONSIDER believing them.

Affirmations sound too simple to be effective. When someone first told me about them I thought they were a big load of bull, "Ha ya right, like saying I love myself is gonna help me feel better or help my body to feel better. That's stupid"...(as I muttered in my head " Ya freaking looney psycho tree hugger..." ;) ).



IT IS SAFE TO FEEL.

As you start saying affirmations, don't be surprised if you feel alll sorts of whacky diverse emotions like embarrassment, stupidity, shame, guilt, depression, apathy, rage, or the urge to cry or even to laugh! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!!

These emotions are PROOF that the affirmations are working and doing good because the positive words triggered the negative belief into "defense" mode. If the affirmation was no threat to the negative belief, it'd have no reason to defend itself. So keep saying them, stay strong!

Also when using affirmations, try to use all positive words. Our subconscious minds don't always differentiate between what context a negative word is used in. Example: "I am not mad at myself".....some part of our body will still hear "mad at myself" and "I am not" as separate sentences.
Start the first one off saying Heavenly Father "______" and then say the affirmation so its like your confirming it before God, thus making it more real. Then alternate between saying them over and over outloud (in the mirror if your feeling brave) or fill up an entire page writing them down over and over (to make the effect more powerful, write it over and over while listening to THIS with headphone: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PERWJEsFmT

Affirmations are also GREAT to do in front of your kids so they can learn by example!


   I LOVE EVERY PART OF MY BODY. I AM BEAUTIFUL.

Affirmations have changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Something so simple as saying WORDS has changed my life and has healed so many wounds that I thought were impossible to heal. 

What I love most about affirmations is that they are also a form of loving and honoring God since HE created us. He commanded us to love.....But that also applies to ourselves right? We aren't exempt from this commandment. We are a literal part of God. Our spirits know this. Our spirits know our importance and self worth, and our Negative Core Beliefs are a direct opposition to God and WHO WE ARE as children of God. Instead, what better way to honor Him than to honor His creation!

I sincerely hope affirmations help you. YOU are important. 


Plus, you got nothing to lose by trying, right? ;)

Monday, March 9, 2015

Definition of Lying

"Lying Takes longer than the truth"


Types of Lying


Lying by omission:

Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Monday, February 9, 2015

What if my husband blames me?

I want to say something to all you wonderful wives out there who have husbands that blame and make excuses for their behavior, lies and addiction.


Its not your fault.

What?

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You could be angry with him. You could be furious with him. You could be hurt and in immense pain and not wanting to talk to him. You could stop having sex with him. You could be horrible to him. Hell, or you could even be the *perfect wife*.

That still doesn't give him a right to blame his lack of RECOVERY on you. It does not give him a right to blame, redirect, manipulate, lie, gaslight, force, belittle, or abuse you in any way.

He cannot blame ANY of his addiction, behavior, dishonesty,or mood on you. Its not your fault. YOU are not making honesty, sobriety & recovery hard for him. And you are not preventing him from being honest, sober & getting into recovery.

How do I know this?


Ive been there. I've done plenty of betraying. 


My ex husband was AWFUL to me when I got sober. He called me names, he refused to help me with our newborn while I was going thru hellish withdrawls. He was a passive aggressive beast. There was ZERO zeeeero comfort or love, and ONLY hostility from him.

But guess what? 

SO WHAT.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Steps to Filtering and Protecting Your Computer


"Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music." - Elder Quinton Cook

Let's talk filters.


Why Filter?? The church has asked us to. But WHY? Click HERE: To Filter or Not

Net nanny is a good program for strictly filtering. Its pricey since its a yearly subscription, but if you have the money, do it. Beware that it can be disabled, many programs can, better safe to know this than not, right? (Email me if you want a list of all the Monitoring programs I personally recommend for computer AND android devices. I pefer not to list them here because they are stealth monitoring programs : makemyburdenlight@Gmail.com)

The great part is you can layer multiplex filters like Net Nanny, K9 and Opendns all at once!
BEWARE ONE FILTER IS NOT ENOUGH
Not only is one filter not enough, many people don't realize that filtering ONLY with ONE WIFI filter  (like Opendns, CleanRouter, Routerlimitz etc) is completely ineffective. They are EASILY BYPASSED!!! The more filters you have, the better protection you have, and whichever programs you choose I recommend at least one to also have MONITORING. 

Here are steps I recommend:

1. First filter from the router itself with Opendns (or other router filter)

Monday, January 19, 2015

Wife's Analogy

A wonderful friend of mine wrote this to help her Church Leader's understand her pain. It is absolutely beautiful and I asked if I could share it :)




                                                          Tammra's Journey

I was at a place in my life where I felt like I was constantly walking up hill. Everything seemed hard, especially my relationship with my husband. He was constantly angry with me and finding fault with me. He was always preoccupied with something other than me. Every day I was doing my best to put one foot in front of the other as I walked up that hill wondering what had gone wrong in my life, wondering where my husband was and what he was doing. I was taking care of everything in our lives - children, finances, home - because he was no longer engaged. 
One day as I walked up that hill my husband appeared, driving erratically and he hit me with a truck I had never seen before but had heard about and was afraid of. A truck full of broken promises and so many lies. 

Is Honesty To a Wife Required for Repentance?

Disclosure

Is Honesty Required For Repentance?

An LDS Church View

Disclosure is a question of ethics. As wives, we deserve and have a right to know the type of relationship we are in. We DESERVE to know what kind of danger our addict husbands are putting us and our children in by viewing pornography, masturbating, or having any contact with other woman. "Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation" (link)    

Sadly, I've heard from many wives who have learned their sex addict husband's have confessed relapsing to their Church Leader's, and didn't feel it necessary to tell their spouse, or in turn, have had actual Church Leaders tell them they did not have to tell their spouse. Ive put a list of LDS Church articles together straight from LDS.org that takes a deeper look into repentance and states that after breaking covenants, one cannot confess to church leader, and avoid confessing to their spouse, as this would not be true repentance.

The rest are straight from the source. Together we can help battle this misconception that a wife doesn't need to know the danger an addict is putting his family in  :) Enjoy! (Note: Restitution, confession, and honesty are ALWAYS possible to a spouse)


                                  

"Many individuals minimize the extent of their problem because of feelings of shame. The Lord’s way, however, requires that we acknowledge our faults to Him. Such confession is actually an exercise in honesty with ourselves, as we acknowledge to ourselves that which is already transparent to God. Involvement in pornography should also be acknowledged to one’s spouse (and for youth, one’s parents) and bishop or branch president."


Friday, December 19, 2014

How To Set Boundaries


What Are Boundaries?


Though I've always had certain Boundaries, I didn't know they were called "Boundaries". I never had an actual name for them other than "standing up for yourself". It was all soooooo extremely confusing and hair pulling trying to understand and learn about this new amazing term, Boundaries.





Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries


Boundaries are a way to protect ourselves. Imagine Boundaries as being a fence around your property. Its a way to let the good in while keeping the bad out, you can choose what comes in, or out, of your boundary line.

Boundaries are also about self control, not about demanding anyone to do something. You can't demand or force your husband to leave, go to counseling, meetings, be honest, etc etc. You can ASK him to leave, but that doesn't mean he will leave your presence every time u get upset. But YOU sure can leave.

Why are Boundaries so Important?



What are Personal Bill of Rights?

Personal Bill of Rights 

You may have occasionally heard the term "Bill of Rights". Personal Bill of Rights are statements that we declare to ourselves to help empower us, encourage us, and stand up for ourselves. A few examples are:

- I have a right to safety in my home. 
- I have a right to say yes or no to sex, no matter what. Period.
- I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
- I have a right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
- I have a right to expect honesty from others.
- I have a right to all of my feelings.
- I have a right to be angry at someone I love, and love someone I’m angry at.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

What Are Slip's, Lapse's and Relapse's & What Do They All Have In Common?

They all include Acting Out in one's addiction, participating in the Addiction Cycle (<--link), and require a restart in sobriety AND Recovery dates. Let’s look at some definitions.


Acting Out - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sensual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Masturbation, Pornography, Infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife), & Massage brothels.

PornographyAny material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. This includes scantily dressed women in bikinis, lingerie or revealing clothes, scantily dressed woman in comics, cartoons, or art, erotic books, risky material in movies, TV shows, phone apps, or games.

LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography - 
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."
&
  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."


Are there differences between slip, lapse, & relapse? Yes. Technically. 


S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention. But how can one know it will truly be the LAST time they will ever act out? For all an addict knows, they could act out again in a few days, few months, or next year etc. And if one-time-slips continue to occur, would each one still be considered a "ONE time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence"?

Relapse - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume addictive behavior after a period of abstinence.

Lapse - A lapse is somewhere confusingly in between.


Monday, November 10, 2014

To Filter or Not Part 2 : Is Computer Monitoring For Safety or Control?


The Lord asks us to never tolerate evil in any form, right? But what does tolerate even mean?
(I admit I had to look this one up and was surprised to find out I was wrong). "Tolerate: To allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of without interference; To accept or endure."

Elder David E. Sorensen says:
"The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated."
How does one work constructively to prevent pornography coming into my home? Elder Quinton Cook says:
 "Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music."

Would you allow a loved one to shoot up heroin in your home? Would you allow a loved one to store heroin filled needles within easy reach of your children in various places like the cupboard, bedroom, family room, or on the counter next to your phones, and then turn around and say,  "I can't control my him, there's nothing I can do" OR, "It makes me feel too crazy to stop it coming in" OR, "He's going to find a way to shoot it up if he wants to anyway" OR, "I'm his wife, not his mother", OR "He should be the one to choose to get rid of the heroin for himself" OR, "His recovery is his recovery" ....?? -------  I'm curious if anyone would say these types these things if it were actual HEROIN?

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Recovery Over-Encouragement: Hinder or Help?

I want to share an interesting conversation I had with my husband...

About a year ago I thought my husband was better. He said he was sober. He no longer displayed his usual addict behavior or signs he relapsed. He progressed ALOT. He didn't seem to always be in this black abyss of shame. He LOVED going to counseling. He loved going to meetings. He had a sponsor. He wasn't getting majorly defensive like he used to. There wasn't as much tension as before, and if he did get upset he snapped out of it alot quicker. He wasn't isolating or as distant. He talked about his feelings more than he used to. A good portion of his addict behavior seemed like it was gone, and most of all the bishop, therapist, and his sponsor all said he was doing AWESOME and that he was in Recovery.

Great, RIGHT???



I felt in my gut something wasn't right----I just assumed I was crazy. It was easier to just try and believe he was sober and not think or deal with it. He was acting sober. He did everything people said a sober man in recovery would do. Every time I'd pray and ask God if he was lying I'd feel immense peace. If I asked God if he was telling the truth I'd still feel peace, maybe not as strong, but pretty great. Was I feeling peace because he WAS lying, or was I feeling peace because he telling the truth?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Trauma & Triggers

Q:Why am I traumatized? Why do I have triggers and why does my trauma increase over the little things?

Although your mind and emotions seem complicated, and there are an infinite variety of circumstances that you face each day, your basic response to thoughts and experiences is always one of two varieties: rest-and-recover, or fight-or-flight.  

Much like a computer, the brain stores memories in a system of memory files.  These memory files contain information and data much like the files you'd find in a medical office or document files in a computer. But unlike a computer or office, our brain files contain not only data/information (ie memories), but also emotions, emotions AS they occurred at the time the memory was made, thus containing two parts, the information about the event and the feeling we had at the time of the event :

Memory file = Information + Feelings at the time


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

To stay or leave? Can a spouse heal while living with an addict who refuses to seek recovery?


**This is my personal experience and does not imply what anyone else should do, that is between them and God. This just happens to be what God told ME**

It depends on what a person can, or is willing or not willing to handle, and most importantly: what God says.

I fully believe someone can heal and live a happy life despite their spouses decision to not seek recovery. However I know myself well enough that I could not. It would destroy me. And not only me, but it would destroy my kids. Perhaps if I did not have kids I could tolerate alot more but my kids were my biggest driving force in my decisions.


When I was contemplating whether to stay or go, I felt inspired to ask myself these questions:

Monday, August 25, 2014

What We All Wish Church Leaders Knew About Wives of Porn Addicts:


1. We are simply devastated.  
2. We did not cause this and we cannot cure it.
3. We may feel that if we were prettier, smarter, or more “something,” they would not have this problem. This is not true. In almost all cases, they were addicted before they ever met us.
4. We need to know about our husbands’ actions so that we don’t blame ourselves for whatever feels wrong in our marriages
5. We also need to know of our husbands’ actions to help protect ourselves, our children, and our homes. Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation.
6.We have done nothing to bring this situation into our lives.  It feels so unfair that we have no choice but to deal with it.
7. We are baffled that we ended up here. We have tried to do all the things that we thought would bring us our happy eternal marriage.  This is the last thing we expected.  We may feel cheated and angry with God.
8. We feel really ashamed.  We feel embarrassed that we married someone with this problem, or that we didn’t see it sooner. We feel our husbands have made us into a phony, a fake, and a liar.
9. Extreme emotions are normal in our circumstances.  We should not be shamed for feeling them.
10. We may need help remembering that we have worth as individuals, no matter the outcome of our marriages or future choices of our husbands.
11. We feel alone. We feel like no one else has this problem. Isolation compounds our pain.
12. We need support
13. We have experienced major Betrayal Trauma which is a form of PTSD, because of our husbands’ betrayals  This trauma is not an indicator that we are weak or not using the Atonement.
14. Statistically 70% of woman with sex addict husbands have PTSD / Betrayal Trauma
*It is hard for us to reach out for support.
*Other women who have been in our shoes can provide vital support.
*We may need ongoing support from our bishops.  It may be hard for us to ask for this ongoing support.  A little bit of reaching out and following up from our bishops may go a long way in helping us not feel overlooked or forgotten.
*We need to know what resources are available to help us.  A bishop who is familiar with this problem and what these resources are could help us feel better sooner.
*We may want and need increased access to Priesthood blessings.  Our husbands may not be worthy to give those blessings, and even if they are, they might not be the ones we want to ask to give them to us.  It may be valuable to have our bishops help us identify who we can ask when we need this particular type of help.
*Our bishops may be the first people we reach out to after discovering our husbands’ addictions.  It may be hard for us to trust Priesthood holders since our husbands have held the Priesthood in our homes.  If we feel invalidated by our bishops, it will be so much harder for us to reach out for further support.
*We sometimes feel invalidated when it seems that the Church does not hold our husbands accountable for their actions.
*More sex is not the answer. Our husbands do not act out with pornography and masturbation because we give them too little sex; they will not stop acting out with pornography and masturbation if we give them more sex. If we are encouraged to “not withhold sex” we will feel like we are being told that our feelings are not as important as our husbands’ feelings.  Our need for exclusivity trumps their “need” for sex.  Men are expected to remain abstinent until marriage, which implies it is possible for men to survive without sex.  Our having sex with them does not help them to recover.
*We are in no position to be asked to give our husbands support.  If anything we need their support for us as we come to terms with what they have done.
*The best way for us to help our husbands is to hold them accountable.  Being asked to “forgive and forget” too early will hurt us both.
*Letting our husbands off the hook too easily usually decreases the urgency they feel about getting help.
*We need to set some boundaries for ourselves with our husbands to protect ourselves from ongoing harm.
*The best support we can give to our husbands is a healthy wife.  We need to do what it takes to find our way back to our own personal health.
*If our husbands have been caught instead of voluntarily disclosing, they may not actually have any desire to get better, no matter what impression they may give a bishop when discussing addiction.
*If we are asked to make changes to help our husbands overcome their problems, and they don’t change, then we feel like we didn’t try hard enough or lacked faith.  It may increase our shame.  Only our husbands are responsible for their own behavior.
*Most addicts lie or minimize when asked about their addictions.  We and their bishops are not likely to have heard the entire story from our husbands.
*Many of our husbands will continue to act out and to lie to us (and to their bishops) after their initial meetings with their bishops.  It may not be appropriate to encourage us to trust them yet because they may not be trustworthy yet.
*Our husbands are incapable of giving up their addictions if they keep them a secret.
*Our husbands’ lies have harmed us at least as much as the actual betrayal.
*We need to eventually forgive our husbands.  We may not be capable of forgiving them as early as we may be asked to do.  We will do our best to leave a place in our hearts for forgiveness to come.  
*Forgiveness does not mean tolerating evil or harm.
*Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a benefit for us; trust is a benefit for our husbands.  Trust needs to be earned once it has been lost.  We will probably forgive before we trust again.
*We will not get over it quickly.  We would if we could, but it will take time and effort to find our way back to emotional health.
*We need help regardless of our husbands’ desire for help.
*We will not automatically get better when our husbands stop acting out. Our progress may actually lag behind theirs.  The history of deception keeps us from being able to trust that we are now safe, even if they say that they have not relapsed in a long time. Some therapists believe it takes 2 or MORE years for the wife to recover after her husband gets sober and in recovery.
*Our husbands have not been good husbands. They have been selfish and lacking in empathy. Addiction results in other bad behaviors that have been harming us.
*Our husbands’ actions in no way decrease our own worthiness.
*Our husbands have most likely been trying for years to overcome their addictions by fasting, praying, reading the scriptures and attending the temple.  These are vital components in their repentance and in building their spirituality.  However, in most cases our husbands need more help than this to get into Recovery from addiction.  They often need knowledgeable trauma/sex addiction counselors.
*We most likely need outside help to heal, just like our husbands do. Knowledgeable trauma/sex addiction counselors and regular support group meetings can help us tremendously.
*Even addicts dedicated to the recovery process tend to relapse several times before achieving lengthy sobriety. But relapsing is still very serious and NEVER OK.
*We would like our bishops to not assume they know everything they need to know on this topic. Be open to good information. Do not be afraid to admit what you don't know. Please ask us what you can do to help us.
*We should not simply replace all negative thoughts with positive ones. That shows denial of the impact this problem has in our lives.  In order to heal from these difficult emotions, we need to allow ourselves to feel them.
*Many marriages that fail from this problem actually fail because of the continued lying more than the continued acting out.
*Our husbands' dedication to complete transparency in our marriage will help us to feel that we know everything we need to know. This transparency may include ongoing access to all email, social media, bank accounts, cell phones, computers and electronic devices. Transparency may also include an agreement on future disclosures.
*Despite our best efforts, our marriages may not survive.
*This addiction has caused us to doubt ourselves, our own intuition and the guidance we are receiving from the Lord.  
We need you to support us as we seek for our own answers from the Spirit and make our own choices going forward.