Wednesday, March 5, 2014

My Boundaries

Ha my super detailed Boundaries, enjoy!

Jan 2014

To my Husband,

Boundaries are very imortant to me, and I need to feel safe in our marriage, without this, no trust can be built, and I choose to not live in a marriage with zero trust. It is too damaging to my well being and our childrens well being. I am grateful that you have been doing recovery work, in order for me to continue to feel safe in this marriage I will continue needing:



  • Going to meetings every week
  • Monitoring, filtering, and password protection on all Tvs and internet devices that only I have access to so that I can ensure NO pornography is being brought into our home.
  • Taking your medication daily.
  • Reaching out to sponsor/friends every day.
  • Counseling.


So that I can feel safe with having you live in our home again I have to have honesty, and I feel I need a complete Full Disclosure of the past year and present. I am willing to wait until March 20th 2014 for this complete disclosure. I don’t really need exact dates and times on these in the beginning of 2013, unless you do happen to remember them then list them, otherwise just the general month is fine.

I want to live in a peaceful loving and safe environment, and out of my love of my marriage, out of my love for you, out of love for myself, and out of love of our children, I need this full and complete disclosure and honesty, even if it may seem little or insignificant and whether the incidents were accidental, intentional or unintentional. To feel safe in this marriage and to start being able to trust in baby steps, I need Full Transparency ie. without lying, incomplete/partial truth, minimizing, concealing, hiding, withholding, selectively forgetting, or anything that makes the incident appear “less” then it was. Some examples Ive thought about are:

  • Acting out/ Acting out behavior
  • Red or Yellow lighting
  • Pornography viewed, and what KIND of pornography was involved (incest, child, gay, animal etc).
  • How long / How many times (if u remember from the past do the best you can, but I would feel better knowing these things for sure in the future)
  • Feeling triggered (onlyfor future times on major triggers, which u are already doing great with your sponser)
  • Partaking in anything that feeds into your shame, guilt & addiction ie. fountain soda / taking money out of paychecks or spending money Im not aware of/ hiding food / isolating / fantasizing / using fantasy books or any hobbies to isolate / mindlessly browsing internet or Google Maps to accidently “see” something  like dirty billboards/ stores/ checking spam folder etc.
  • Hurting the kids
  • Any secretive contact with the opposite sex in person, chat, email, facebook,, texting, video, phone call etc.
  • Any lying, minimizing, incomplete/partial truth, hiding, withholding etc of any incident I am not already aware of.
  • What I also need to feel safer  in this marriage and to start trusting you, and so I don’t feel the burden of all this truth alone,  is if all these past, present, and future incidents below could be disclosed also to bishop, counselor & sponsor with Full Transparency mentioned above,
  • Any relapses
  • Acting out/ acting out behavior
  • Red/yellow lighting
  • Pornography viewed and what kind
  • How many times (ie. “3-4 times last week” etc)
  • Hurting/harm to the kids

In the future so that I can continue to feel safe in our marriage and you living in our home, I need all FUTURE Disclosures to be made within 24 hours.

What I NEED for myself is to do ALL I can to make sure I listen to the Lords promptings, and will not make any hasty decisions without consulting the Lord. I will continue to go to my meetings and reaching out to woman who understand, because I want to get better for myself. I am willing to do anything for this marriage to work. I am willing to let go of all pride. I am willing to not let myself get in the way of myself. I want this. I want this to suceed. I want to get better. I WILL get better. I want to move forward with an honest husband, I want us to be able to keep working on this together, and I WANT to be able to trust you with all my heart.

Heavenly Father has let me know there are still more incidents from the past, current and recent months that are still not being disclosed even if accidental, intentional or unintentional lying, incomplete/partial truth, minimizing, concealing, hiding, withholding, selectively forgetting, or anything that makes the incident appear “less” then it was. And also because of my discovering the incest mother/son pornography in April 2013, which I feel I should have been told about, and the many other times I have found out there was lying, I felt it right to include the entire past year in Full Disclosure (and any other lies that are thought of from ANY time period for serious matters like, if you remember hurting the kids or putting them in danger, any child pornography viewing even if accidental, animal, 1800 #‎s‬‬‬, online chatting, massages, sex shops and anything etc etc these examples are just the basics to cover everything so there is less misunderstanding ).


- I do not feel safe accepting any excuses
- I do not feel safe with someone who takes breaks or slacks in recovery
- I do not feel safe if I move forward with a person who is not honest.
- I do not feel safe being in a marriage with someone who gives incomplete truths or partial truths, or justifies withholding info even if someone else said it was ok or gave you permission.

When you disclose things, I don’t want to end up finding even more info that you knowingly left out or didn’t investigate yourself to find out, its too painful for me.  Investigating it to make sure there is all the correct info is not my job. Its not my responsibility to find this stuff out and get all the facts straight. Its not my responsibility to make sure and oversee that you are completely honest and that you understand what it IS to be completely open and honest.

After Disclosure is given, I will pray and fast to determine if it is complete. If Heavenly Father lets me know that all disclosure is complete, then I would feel ok to discuss possibly moving back home.  If Heavenly Father lets me know that the there are still things you are hiding that you ARE aware of, I will be willing to wait 24hrs for you to tell me the rest of the truth. After that if Heavenly Father lets me know that you are STILL hiding truth, then for the safety of me and the kids,  i feel it best to start discussing divorce paperwork to get that in motion.

*** If I feel the need to change any of these boundaries, or because of a prompting, I will make sure to let you know of them.

6 comments:

  1. How did it go? My life closely parallels that of you and your hubby. I would like to stay in contact. I need to write a letter like this.

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    1. Ha wellll, I had to extend the date to this wednesday April 2nd because that's when his polygraph test is scheduled. If he passes (and after i pray about it) then we will discuss him moving back, although it may not be RIGHT away because frankly, im kinda scared and nervous to have him move back in. This separation has been SO SOO beneficial! Pray for me :)

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  2. A polygraph? Wow! Where are you getting THAT done? He agreed to do it? That is absolutely awesome! How did this even come about? That is just awesome...I wish I could get my hubby to take one.

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    1. I asked my counselor for a recommendation. But I also did a google search for polygraphers, and they are ALL over the place.

      He didn't like it at first, but I can't do the lying crap anymore it makes me too insane ha, so I'm pretty sure he agreed because it was the only way id even think about living with him again.
      I started thinking about doing it more and more after i learned that some sex addiction counselors actually give their patients polygraphs to help be accountable (ha and i assume to not waste their time?? I'm not sure). I fully believe that once an addict FULLY discloses and there are no hidden lies, then the addict has a greater chance of recovery, ha at least it makes ME feel better to believe that haha.

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  3. I am not sure about the disclosure part , did you want only a full disclosure of the past year ? Not previous time in your relationship ? Or did you know that already ?

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    Replies
    1. I only wanted the past year on pornography and acting out type stuff. UNLESS it was something like cheating, chatting with woman, child pornography etc. there was no set date on those, any year/age applied (Luckily there was none)
      I only wanted a year because I already knew about alot of stuff, but more because my husband wouldn't be able to remember every time he looked at pornography 2, 3, 4+ years ago. Its impossible for anyone to remember EVERY time especially if they are habitual users, and he probably would have gotten too overwhelmed and not done it at all. I wanted him to focus and put all his energy on remembering only a year. But if he DID by chance happen to remember anything he was supposed to tell me.

      Does that make a little more sense?

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