Friday, August 15, 2014

Warning Signs Of Approaching Relapse

Warning signs of relapse

Do you suspect your spouse may have relapsed or is heading towards a relapse? Here are a few common warning signs:


1. Engaged in the Addiction Cycle. For more info go here >> (link)
2. Slowly reverting back to old behaviors
3. Lying, silly lies no matter how small, minimizing, or omitting truth
4. Defensiveness, irritability, mood swings, defiance, blaming or anger outbursts
5. Passive Aggressive behavior!!
6. Lack of communication and full transparency, even if THEY think they're communicating and being transparent. Ex. Saying "I'm good", or saying they are frustrated, upset, or triggered but not explaining WHY they feel that way---and then turning around and saying "What do you mean, I am communicating, I told you I was upset", etc.
7. Selective Forgetfulness. Forgetting things they once knew a day, week, month, or year ago. Ex.  Previously having a great conversation about honesty & recovery and feeling like they finally "get it", only to later then have them act confused as if they forgot and have never heard it, or play stupid,  "What? I know I am supposed to disclose when I relapse, I just didn't know you wanted to know right away and how many times." etc etc ...(like seriously?...you didn't think id want to know even tho I've told you a million times? ) ;)
8. Increased mistakes/ Not being able to follow simple directions/ Lack of common sense. L Ie. Always being late, not helping around the house or with the kids, never getting the right things at the grocery store despite having a list, becoming careless, unmotivated, apathetic, etc
9. Self loathing and shame spiral as a way to manipulate and make you feel sorry for them. The "I can never do anything right" mentality.
10. They are emotionally disconnected. It's hard to find attachment with them. They are there but not really "there".
11. They blame, redirect, become defensive, become sleepy or get the confused "deer in headlights" stare when you try to talk to them.
12. Becoming overly stressed for whatever reason and not handling it in healthy ways (reaching out etc)
13. Lack of vulnerability - VULNERABILITY IS CRUCIAL! CRRRUUUICIALLL!!
14. Lack of empathy / Becomes oblivious and clueless to the fact you are hurting and how to help you.
15. Slowly isolating or spending more time doing mind numbing behaviors and unimportant things while online. Ie. Browsing movie trailers, news stories, games, etc "yellow light" behavior.
16. Getting wrapped up in secondary addictions like work, gaming or food
17. Using a wife's safety Boundaries as their own, out of spite. "Oh ya, well I have a right to leave when you get upset TOO"
18. Slowly missing meetings and/or counseling appts. Slacking on recovery work, and becoming frustrated or resentful of recovery work. Thinking they don't NEED to do as much recovery work. Ie. "How much of this do I REALLY need to keep on doing? Come on, it's been a few months, I feel better. Can't I stop?"
19. Neglecting their self-care. Self-care is critical to maintaining recovery (and sanity).
20. Slacking on scriptures & praying
21. Becoming emotionally needy, insecure, Ex. Never wanting you to leave, getting jealous when you hang out with friends or do your own self care, needing constant validation that you love them, etc
22. Self-Delusional: They twist things to make themselves right ie. "I quit going to therapy without talking to you about it as a way to help you. You have been stressed lately and I wanted to be home for you" etc.
23. Complaining about not getting enough sex or having everything revolve around sex again.
24. Not being interested in sex or not being interested in intimacy and connection with OR without sex.


MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! : LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. If you feel something is not right, 99.9% you're most likely right. A good thing to ask yourself is "What do they spend their time on?". Being in recovery is about sobriety and continually improving QUALITY of life and the quality of one’s soul. If your spouse is spending more time on things that isn't helping them be a better person, edifying themselves, or improving their quality of life....then which direction are they going? Forward or backward?

2 comments:

  1. Boy , from this he is never in recovery and / or not even slightly going there ! And he isn't, so that matches this list perfectly. It REALLY helped me trust my gut as he is becoming a better liar ( I think ! ) HA Do you think it may be possible that he is heading toward a slip , but catches it without telling me. He does this behavior - then seems better, more focused, humble , including me...I can't tell if he means it or is manipulating ???

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    1. He definitely could be. If an addict is not technically looking at porn, but still showing these negative behavioral signs, I believe its more of a waiting game of WHEN a relapse will happen. These behaviors show signs of guilt and shame. But guilt and shame over what? And why aren't they telling you about it, ya know? I don't believe an addict can be in Recovery while still in this Addiction Cycle:

      http://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/sex-addiction-cycle.html?m=1

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