Sunday, November 22, 2015

PTSD Diagnosis Criteria

  Is My Betrayal Trauma Actual PTSD?



(****Attention: Before you automatically rule yourself out after reading Criteria A, read the definition of Sexual Violence at the bottom)





"CURRENT DIAGNOSIS OF PTSD IS BASED ON 8 CRITERIA FROM THE DSM-5 :


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Addiction Dictionary : Definitions of Common Addiction Terms


ADDICTION - 1. "Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior/rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences."
2. LDSmag. com Addiction Definition:
Addiction exists when the repeated use of a mood altering substance or behavior (of any kind) has created a dependency on itself so intense that the person doing the behavior cannot find the will-power to quit, even when the behavior is causing serious damage to one’s relationships, health, employment, and personal sense of serenity and spirituality.
3. LDS. org Church Guide Definition:
Addiction is a persistent dependence on a harmful behavior or substance. It can disrupt the ability to listen to the Spirit and limit agency. Many who struggle with an addiction suffer from shame or a sense that they are unlovable. They may feel discouragement and despair that recovery is not possible. Yet with God, nothing is impossible"
(Note: *** Lack of fequency is not always an indicator of addiction. Acting out can be once a day, once a week, once a month, or even once a year etc. and still be an addiction)

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION -  1. Pornography addiction is a behavioral addiction characterized by compulsive, repeated use of pornographic material until it causes serious negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.         
  2. Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts
  3. A condition that has been defined as a psychological addiction to, or dependence upon, pornography, characterized by obsessive viewing, reading, and thinking about pornography and sexual themes to the detriment of other areas of the viewer’s life
  4. Prolonged viewing or pornography - books, magazines, movies, or Internet pornography - that has destructive effects on the life of a person"

SEX ADDICTION - Is a term used for any addiction that is sexual in nature. Therapist Doug Weiss CSAT PhD states "Since pornography is sexual, we consider a person who is addicted to porn a sexual addict or sexual compulsive."
Includes but not limited to, sex, pornography, or masturbation addiction, prostitutes, brothels, voyeurism, or sexual fetish addictions etc etc

ACTING OUT - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sensual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Pornography, Masturbation, Infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife), & Massage brothels.

PORNOGRAPHY - 1. Any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. This includes scantily dressed women in bikinis, lingerie or revealing clothes, scantily dressed woman in comics, cartoons, or art, sexual content in books, risky material in movies, TV shows, phone apps, or games. For many men this also includes scantily dressed women at the gym, women's UFC fights, & the dancers during sports games.
2. LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography -
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."
&
  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
&
"Pornography by definition is the display of that which is obscene and licentious."
Elder C. Gary Bennett
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/06/i-have-a-question?lang=eng

MASTURBATION - 1. To stimulate yourself sexually. In other words, to have sex by yourself, with yourself.
2. Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation
3. Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse."
4. Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies.
5. Lds author Andrew Pippanne/Rowboat&Marbles Masturbation Definition:
"Masturbation is sex with self.Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."
6. Lds .org Spencer W Kimball:
" Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal emission or wet dream. "
(***Note they use the word "usually" and not "always". Sexually stimulating oneself with, or without orgasm, is still masturbation.)

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention because they can easily lead to relapses. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

RELAPSE - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume acting out after a period of abstinence. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

Friday, October 30, 2015

Codependency vs. Trauma

I first learned about the term codependency from the book Codependant No More. I like the book Codependent No More. It taught me some very interesting good concepts that I loved. It helped me be more aware of myself. But does the term Codependent automatically apply to spouses of sex addicts too?

Most likely not.

Instantly labeling a spouse of a sex addict "codependent" the moment she finds out the world has flipped over can run the risk of indirectly putting inappropriate blame & shame on the spouse, and can in turn indirectly cause the spouse to tolerate and enable the addict, which puts themselves in further danger.

PTSD Trauma vs. CODEPENDENCY


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Unconditional Love and Boundaries

Unconditional Love Requires Boundaries

Enabling is NOT Unconditional Love

 

"And know ye that ye shall be judges of this people, according to the judgment which I shall give unto you, which shall be just. Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." 3 Ne. 27:27
un·con·di·tion·al:
        1. without condition or limitation; absolute.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Recovery: What It Is and What It Isn't

What Is Recovery?

Wanna know what the grande ol' mystery to Recovery is? The answer we all search for when figuring out if our husbands are in Recovery? Yes?

This may be hard for some to accept.

You ready?



Sunday, August 2, 2015

Does Your Loved One Have These Symptoms?


Does your sexually addicted loved one have any of these ADHD symptoms?:


Lots of anxiety

Racing thoughts (mind won't shut off)

Mind goes so fast it becomes flooded and too overwhelmed, which often leaves one feeling tired and sluggish (aka. Feeling of running in water)

Poor reality testing skills, and avoids reason or logic.

Feels depressed and hopeless from feeling overwhelmed.

Simple tasks bring lots of anxiety (groceries, walking dog, paying bills, social activities, talking about feelings, yard work, dealing with kids etc)

Often gets "glazed over" look when being spoken directly to.

"Lazy"

Impulsive

Forgetful

Loses things easily

Constantly late

Disorganized

OVER-organized

Overwhelmed by responsibilities

Always moving and restless (tapping toes, nail biting, tidying up, bouncing leg while sitting, cleaning, fidgety etc.)

Tendency to become absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding. aka "hyper focused".

Underestimating the time takes to complete tasks

Interrupts or intrudes on others.

May have zero concept of boundaries and other's personal space.

Sense of underachievement

Doesn’t deal well with frustration

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability/Defensiveness

Emotional Dysregulation/ Mood swings (which can sometimes mimic bi polar)

Trouble staying motivated

Poor planning abilities, unable to follow through consistently or complete tasks. Ie. Making plans one day, and then completely changing their mind the next, therefore things only getting done depending on mood.

Hypersensitivity to criticism

Short, often explosive, temper

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Bored easily

Doing a million things at once

Poor sleep patterns, often not rested.

Difficulty in making up their mind, or making choices without undue anxiety.

Impatient, continuing difficulties in delaying gratification.

Overly demanding may become self-destructive and aggressive.

Unable to follow simple tasks and directions if the task does not hold an interest.

Gives up easily on tasks, assignments.

Can't keep a job

OR

Overworks and uses working as an escape/ At the end of the day they can't leave "work" AT work.

Friday, July 17, 2015

I-Statements

 How To Communicate

"We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice — that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost', and say, 'I lost it.' ” - Sydney J. Harris
Let's face the facts. Communicating is FREAKING hard. It can leave us feeling exposed, and being vulnerable is terrifying and uncomfortable.

Frankly, most of us were never taught how to communicate properly are often using the skills we learned as children from our parents...... who also didn't know how to communicate properly. :)

I-statement's are a helpful communication tool wrapped in pure golden magical goodness. They are statements or responses that refrain from saying "you" or "your" as much as possible. They force us to think about how we are really feeling.

I-Statements -

Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the other person on the defensive. They are also used to acknowledge and take ownership of our own feelings.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Real Cause of Addiction.

And It's Really Not What You Think...


I felt I needed to write about this article going around,

The Real Cause of Addiction, AND It's Not What You Think :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
(***Warning: Be careful of the thumbnail articles on the right hand side of the article. Sometimes they are risky)

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Choosing a Therapist

"Do I need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist?"

I don't (don't hate me) believe a CSAT is always necessary. Beneficial for sure, but not always necessary. CSAT's can be hard to find in your area. I think the trick to finding a great therapist is by researching and asking lots of questions.


For a therapist, I would choose a Psychologist who knows about trauma and addiction over a LPC counselor who is CSAT certified ANY day. I mean, there ARE many many great LPC's who know a TON about trauma and addiction from their own life experiences and who intuitively "get it" so they are great at digging into the past, but they are harder to find. HOWEVER, if your only option is a LPC or a LPC CSAT certified, definitely choose the CSAT.



Sunday, March 29, 2015

LDS Church's View On Emotional, Sexual & Physical Abuse: Quotes & Definitions

What Is Abuse


I think many of us hear abuse and we instantly think it only means being physically beaten and that unless we are being physically hit then it's not as serious. Sadly this is not so, Emotional Abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse (Learn more about emotional abuse HERE). MANY of us aren't aware of the LDS church's stance and definition of abuse, even some of our own bishops and ward leaders.

Ive compiled a list of quotes from lds.org regarding ALL types of abuse straight from handbooks, manuals, conferences, apostles, & prophets. The Church takes this matter very seriously. Please pass this info along, even quote them to your ward leaders if needed.

Knowledge is truth and light!



LDSChurch's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse :




* Abuse and Cruelty -


"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop. Instructions for the bishop are provided in Handbook 1.

Abuse Definition


Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Affirmations Heal

What are affirmations?

I'll explain in a way that helped me understand them (cuz I used to think they were hippy bs haha).

We all have learned some incorrect beliefs about ourselves in our lives somewhere along the way, whether in childhood, as teens, or as adults etc. I call these Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs ---- "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm not important, I don't deserve good things, I'm unlovable, I'm unsafe because I don't deserve to be safe. I can't do anything right" etc etc etc.


We ALL have them in varying degrees one way or another.
Now, how would it make you feel if a loved one called you names like stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable etc?

It would hurt your feelings right? 


I believe when we put ourselves down we are doing the same thing to ourselves. It hurts us. Except we've done it to ourselves for so long we've become desensitized to it so we don't realize how much it's actually harming ourselves. This in turn becomes MORE damaging because it is often done on a subconscious level, and VERY VERY frequently and habitually. Just because we can't consciously feel it, doesn't mean it's not doing the same amount of damage and is not hurting us.

Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs can cause addictions, diseases, disorders, physical and emotional pain and can literally wreak havoc in our bodies. 

So how do we counteract these negative beliefs? If putting ourselves down by subconscious thoughts and phrases can tear us down and hurt our body, mind, & spirit........then couldn't we also correct those negative beliefs by counteracting them with positive phrases?
I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM SAFE.

Luckily you don't have to believe affirmations for them to work at first.

When I started saying affirmations I definitely didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. It felt like my insides were screaming "NOOOO YOUR LYING!!!!!! How dare you say it is safe!!!!!! LIAR!!!!" , and the more I said affirmations, the more those screams became like the wizard of oz witch haha "NOOOOO I'm melting I'm melting".
My affirmations were literally a direct "attack" against my negative beliefs. My negative beliefs saw the affirmations as a huge threat. So I had to say the affirmations a lot for the idea to slowly sink in enough for me to even CONSIDER believing them.

Affirmations sound too simple to be effective. When someone first told me about them I thought they were a big load of bull, "Ha ya right, like saying I love myself is gonna help me feel better or help my body to feel better. That's stupid"...(as I muttered in my head " Ya freaking looney psycho tree hugger..." ;) ).



IT IS SAFE TO FEEL.

As you start saying affirmations, don't be surprised if you feel alll sorts of whacky diverse emotions like embarrassment, stupidity, shame, guilt, depression, apathy, rage, or the urge to cry or even to laugh! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!!

These emotions are PROOF that the affirmations are working and doing good because the positive words triggered the negative belief into "defense" mode. If the affirmation was no threat to the negative belief, it'd have no reason to defend itself. So keep saying them, stay strong!

Also when using affirmations, try to use all positive words. Our subconscious minds don't always differentiate between what context a negative word is used in. Example: "I am not mad at myself".....some part of our body will still hear "mad at myself" and "I am not" as separate sentences.
Start the first one off saying Heavenly Father "______" and then say the affirmation so its like your confirming it before God, thus making it more real. Then alternate between saying them over and over outloud (in the mirror if your feeling brave) or fill up an entire page writing them down over and over (to make the effect more powerful, or say them over and over while watching these videos on the computer screen with headphones: 
Affirmations are also GREAT to do in front of your kids so they can learn by example!


   I LOVE EVERY PART OF MY BODY. I AM BEAUTIFUL.

Affirmations have changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Something so simple as saying WORDS has changed my life and has healed so many wounds that I thought were impossible to heal. 

What I love most about affirmations is that they are also a form of loving and honoring God since HE created us. He commanded us to love.....But that also applies to ourselves right? We aren't exempt from this commandment. We are a literal part of God. Our spirits know this. Our spirits know our importance and self worth, and our Negative Core Beliefs are a direct opposition to God and WHO WE ARE as children of God. Instead, what better way to honor Him than to honor His creation!

I sincerely hope affirmations help you. YOU are important. 


Plus, you got nothing to lose by trying, right? ;)

Monday, March 9, 2015

Definition of Lying

"Lying Takes longer than the truth"


Types of Lying


Lying by omission:

Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Monday, February 9, 2015

What if my husband blames me?

I want to say something to all you wonderful wives out there who have husbands that blame and make excuses for their behavior, lies and addiction.


Its not your fault.

What?

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You could be angry with him. You could be furious with him. You could be hurt and in immense pain and not wanting to talk to him. You could stop having sex with him. You could be horrible to him. Hell, or you could even be the *perfect wife*.

That still doesn't give him a right to blame his lack of RECOVERY on you. It does not give him a right to blame, redirect, manipulate, lie, gaslight, force, belittle, or abuse you in any way.

He cannot blame ANY of his addiction, behavior, dishonesty,or mood on you. Its not your fault. YOU are not making honesty, sobriety & recovery hard for him. And you are not preventing him from being honest, sober & getting into recovery.

How do I know this?


Ive been there. I've done plenty of betraying. 


My ex husband was AWFUL to me when I got sober. He called me names, he refused to help me with our newborn while I was going thru hellish withdrawls. He was a passive aggressive beast. There was ZERO zeeeero comfort or love, and ONLY hostility from him.

But guess what? 

SO WHAT.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Steps to Filtering and Protecting Your Computer


"Parents must have the courage to filter or monitor Internet access, television, movies, and music." - Elder Quinton Cook

Let's talk filters.


Why Filter?? The church has asked us to. But WHY? Click HERE: To Filter or Not

Net nanny is a good program for strictly filtering. Its pricey since its a yearly subscription, but if you have the money, do it. Beware that it can be disabled, many programs can, better safe to know this than not, right? (Email me if you want a list of all the Monitoring programs I personally recommend for computer AND android devices. I pefer not to list them here because they are stealth monitoring programs : makemyburdenlight@Gmail.com)

The great part is you can layer multiplex filters like Net Nanny, K9 and Opendns all at once!
BEWARE ONE FILTER IS NOT ENOUGH
Not only is one filter not enough, many people don't realize that filtering ONLY with ONE WIFI filter  (like Opendns, CleanRouter, Routerlimitz etc) is completely ineffective. They are EASILY BYPASSED!!! The more filters you have, the better protection you have, and whichever programs you choose I recommend at least one to also have MONITORING. 

Here are steps I recommend:

1. First filter from the router itself with Opendns (or other router filter)

Monday, January 19, 2015

Wife's Analogy

A wonderful friend of mine wrote this to help her Church Leader's understand her pain. It is absolutely beautiful and I asked if I could share it :)




                                                          Tammra's Journey

I was at a place in my life where I felt like I was constantly walking up hill. Everything seemed hard, especially my relationship with my husband. He was constantly angry with me and finding fault with me. He was always preoccupied with something other than me. Every day I was doing my best to put one foot in front of the other as I walked up that hill wondering what had gone wrong in my life, wondering where my husband was and what he was doing. I was taking care of everything in our lives - children, finances, home - because he was no longer engaged. 
One day as I walked up that hill my husband appeared, driving erratically and he hit me with a truck I had never seen before but had heard about and was afraid of. A truck full of broken promises and so many lies. 

Is Honesty To a Wife Required for Repentance?

Disclosure

Is Honesty Required For Repentance?

An LDS Church View

Disclosure is a question of ethics. As wives, we deserve and have a right to know the type of relationship we are in. We DESERVE to know what kind of danger our addict husbands are putting us and our children in by viewing pornography, masturbating, or having any contact with other woman. "Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation" (link)    

Sadly, I've heard from many wives who have learned their sex addict husband's have confessed relapsing to their Church Leader's, and didn't feel it necessary to tell their spouse, or in turn, have had actual Church Leaders tell them they did not have to tell their spouse. Ive put a list of LDS Church articles together straight from LDS.org that takes a deeper look into repentance and states that after breaking covenants, one cannot confess to church leader, and avoid confessing to their spouse, as this would not be true repentance.

The rest are straight from the source. Together we can help battle this misconception that a wife doesn't need to know the danger an addict is putting his family in  :) Enjoy! (Note: Restitution, confession, and honesty are ALWAYS possible to a spouse)


                                  

"Many individuals minimize the extent of their problem because of feelings of shame. The Lord’s way, however, requires that we acknowledge our faults to Him. Such confession is actually an exercise in honesty with ourselves, as we acknowledge to ourselves that which is already transparent to God. Involvement in pornography should also be acknowledged to one’s spouse (and for youth, one’s parents) and bishop or branch president."