Monday, January 19, 2015

Is Honesty To a Wife Required for Repentance?

Disclosure

Is Honesty Required For Repentance?

An LDS Church View

Disclosure is a question of ethics. As wives, we deserve and have a right to know the type of relationship we are in. We DESERVE to know what kind of danger our addict husbands are putting us and our children in by viewing pornography, masturbating, or having any contact with other woman. "Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation" (link)    

Sadly, I've heard from many wives who have learned their sex addict husband's have confessed relapsing to their Church Leader's, and didn't feel it necessary to tell their spouse, or in turn, have had actual Church Leaders tell them they did not have to tell their spouse. Ive put a list of LDS Church articles together straight from LDS.org that takes a deeper look into repentance and states that after breaking covenants, one cannot confess to church leader, and avoid confessing to their spouse, as this would not be true repentance.

The rest are straight from the source. Together we can help battle this misconception that a wife doesn't need to know the danger an addict is putting his family in  :) Enjoy! (Note: Restitution, confession, and honesty are ALWAYS possible to a spouse)


                                  

"Many individuals minimize the extent of their problem because of feelings of shame. The Lord’s way, however, requires that we acknowledge our faults to Him. Such confession is actually an exercise in honesty with ourselves, as we acknowledge to ourselves that which is already transparent to God. Involvement in pornography should also be acknowledged to one’s spouse (and for youth, one’s parents) and bishop or branch president."



"We often hear a person who transgresses console himself by saying, “I am only hurting myself.” If a man chooses to commit adultery, he must pay a penalty for his sin. Because of his transgression, he is infringing upon the rights of his wife and family, overlooking those who love him and look to him for guidance, good example, and eternal blessings of family unity and togetherness. He hurts others in the process of doing what he calls “exercising my free agency.”







"Restitution is required. “Because he hath sinned, … he shall restore that which he took violently away, or the thing which he hath deceitfully gotten, or that which was delivered him to keep, or the lost thing which he found.”


"As to the nature of repentance, the Lord has said, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them” (D&C 58:43)......There doesn’t seem to be much uncertainty about the meaning of forsake. However, the requirement to confess is not so universally understood. As a matter of fact, there is considerable confusion in the world about the confessing of sins, and a lot of false doctrine. By way of an assist in clearing up the confusion, I repeat some comments heretofore made on this subject......For misconduct which affects another, confession should also be made to the offended one and his forgiveness sought. One having forsaken his sins and, by proper confession, cleared his conduct with the Lord, with the people he has offended, and with the Church of Jesus Christ, where necessary, may with full confidence seek the Lord’s forgiveness and go forth in newness of life, relying upon the merits of Christ”
- Elder Marion G Romney https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1980/10/repentance?lang=eng


"Part of repentance is to make restitution. This means that as much as possible we must make right any wrong that we have done. For example, a thief should give back what he has stolen. A liar should make the truth known. A gossip who has slandered the character of a person should work to restore the good name of the person he has harmed."
- Manual https://www.lds.org/manual/gospel-principles/chapter-19-repentance?lang=eng


"All sins are to be confessed to the Lord, some to a Church official, some to others, and some to all of these. A few may require public confession. Confessing aids forsaking. We cannot expect to sin publicly and extensively and then expect to be rescued privately and quickly, being beaten “with only a few stripes.” (D&C42:88–93.)

....We must confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins …to the proper priesthood authority. If we have sinned against another person, we should confess to the person we have injured. 
If you have sinned against the people, confess to them. If you have sinned against a family or a neighborhood, go to them and confess. … If you have sinned against one individual, take that person by yourselves and make your confession to him."  
- Neal A Maxwell 


"..To confess is to admit one’s guilt, such as in a confession of sins. It is a duty of all persons to confess all their sins to the Lord and obtain his forgiveness (D&C 58:42–43). When necessary, sins should be confessed to the person or persons sinned against."


"Restitution has always been a part of the gospel plan. We read in the law of Moses that when one has sinned against another, “he shall even restore it in the principal, and shall add the fifth part more thereto.” (Lev. 6:5.)....We need to understand that restitution is just one part of repentance, that repentance really involves changing our hearts and our lives and accepting the atonement of Christ."


"The adversary tempts those with a pornography addiction to try to hide, or cover, their sins—thus thwarting the repentance process and avoiding the true source of healing. In so doing they add the sin of dishonesty to the sin of pornography, “and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell” (2 Ne. 28:21). When we accept the Atonement, we confess our sins and submit to the consequences of our choices."
- Rory C Reid https://www.lds.org/topics/pornography/audiences/individuals/the-road-back-abandoning-pornography?lang=eng


"To whom should confession be made? To quote President Richards, “To the Lord, of course, whose law has been violated. To the aggrieved person or persons, as an essential in making due retribution if that is necessary. And then certainly to the Lord’s representative, his appointed judge in Israel, under whose ecclesiastical jurisdiction the offender lives and holds membership in the Kingdom.” (CR,April 1954, pp. 11–12.)
- James A. Cullimore
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1974/04/justice-and-mercy?lang=eng

"To feel sorrow and be motivated to confess is a proper beginning, but it is not sufficient. When confession is voluntary, the action required for repentance is greatly simplified. It does no good for an individual to stonewall efforts of a judge in Israel to encourage repentance by denying that a real transgression has occurred or by being otherwise unyielding. Lehi taught, “He offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.” 13There must be humility 14 and sorrow. 1
By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.” 16
Richard G Scott
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/the-path-to-peace-and-joy?lang=eng



Other great quotes on Repentance:


"It is not uncommon for people to have remorse for ..sins committed, but to have no turning away from such.. evils. They may even feel penitent; but ‘penitence is transient, and may involve no change of character or conduct.’ Repentance, on the other hand, ‘is sorrow for sin with self-condemnation, and complete turning away from the sin.’ It is, therefore, more than mere remorse; ‘it comprehends a change of nature befitting heaven."
- David O. McKay
 https://www.lds.org/manual/doctrines-of-the-gospel-student-manual/chapter-14-repentance?lang=eng


“Steps to Repentance:1. Recognize we have done wrong.2. Covenant with the Lord that we will never repeat the sin we have committed and are repenting of. ‘By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.’ (D&C 58:43.)3. Recommit ourselves to living a better life in all phases of the gospel.4. Make restitution for the wrongs we have committed by—   a) Repenting in prayer to the Lord.   b) Confessing to our bishop … [if the sin is a major one].   c) Apologizing to those we have offended.5. The depth of our repentance must be as deep as the sin we have committed. There is no easy way. It hurts, but it also cleanses.6Time is the next element of repentance and restitution.   a) Time to prove to ourselves, to our Lord, to our fellowmen that we have committed ourselves to a new way of life.   b) Time to study the scriptures and dedicate our lives to the commandments we learn we must live to be happy and have joy.7Complete forgiveness of ourselves and forgiveness without any feelings of retribution toward those who have offended us.8Finally, the greatest of all blessings: the forgiveness of the Lord. We no longer look back with depression and hurt, but forward to the future with hope and joy and love for God, self, and all mankind” 






- Conference Report, Oct. 1976, p. 34; or Ensign, Nov. 1976 .https://www.lds.org/manual/gospel-principles/chapter-19-repentance?lang=eng


"Let your memories ‘bring you down unto repentance’; let them ‘trouble you’ only with that trouble which will keep you repentant. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point”  (Alma 42:29–30) 
- Marion D. Hanks, “Will I Ever Forget




"We cannot replace a bad life with a good one by any single word or act; there must be a continuing process of replacing error and wrong-doing with truth and right-doing; of going from bad to good and from good to better..When we speak of the continual need of repentance, let it not be understood that we refer to a cycle of sinning and repenting and sinning again. That is not complete repentance. We must see the right and follow it, recognize the wrong and forsake it with a ‘Godly sorrow’ if we would obtain the blessings of complete repentance” 
- Hugh B. Brown, Eternal Quest


"Repentance must involve an all-out, total surrender to the program of the Lord. A reforming adulterer who drinks or curses is not repentant. The repenting burglar who has sex play is not ready for forgiveness. God cannot forgive unless the transgressor shows a true repentance which spreads to all areas of his life” 
- Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, 203.


"........All of us, including those struggling to overcome addictive behaviors such as substance abuse orpornography and those close to them, can know that the Lord will recognize our righteous efforts and will lovingly forgive when repentance is complete, “until seventy times seven.” But this does not mean one may willingly return to sin with impunity.
The Lord is always interested in our hearts, and rationalized false faith does not justify sin. In this dispensation the Lord warned one of His servants against such rationalization by declaring, “Let [him] be ashamed of the Nicolaitane band and of all their secret abominations.” The Nicolaitans were an ancient religious sect that claimed license to commit sexual sin by virtue of the Lord’s grace. This is not pleasing to the Lord. His compassion and grace do not excuse us when “[our] hearts are not satisfied. And [we] obey not the truth, but have pleasure in unrighteousness.” Rather, after we do all we can do, His compassion and grace are the means whereby “in process of time” we overcome the world through the enabling power of the Atonement. As we humbly seek this precious gift, “weak things become strong unto [us],” and by His strength, we are made able to do that which we could never do alone."
- Craig A Cardon

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-savior-wants-to-forgive?lang=eng&_r=1


(Awesome ones for Bishop)



"At times a Bishop must administer bitter medicine. Alma told Corianton, “Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment” (Alma 42:16). There are payments to be made. If a bishop offers comfort only and, in misguided kindness, seeks to relieve you of the painful but healing process in connection with repentance, he will not serve you well"-
https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng


"It seems to me, that there comes a time in the lives of those who have sinned so seriously that, short of disciplinary action, I think some men can’t repent until they are turned over to the buffetings of Satan by the loss of the Spirit of the Lord.” (Priesthood Board Meeting, March 1, 1972, p. 12.)
President Stephen L Richards has said: “What good to the Church, what real benefit to erring members, can come from ignoring this obligation, and as we sometimes say, winking at and ‘white-washing’ the offenders? Can the judges thus help in setting people on the way to repentance and forgiveness?” (CR, April 19
Many who have violated the laws of the Lord feel unjustly dealt with if they are called before proper Church courts and appropriate action is taken in reference to their transgressions. Many priesthood leaders, whose responsibility it is to watch over the Church and take action in cases of serious transgression, are remiss in convening courts and taking action that one might be put in a position where he can be forgiven. What might be thought to be a kindness in not taking proper action may really be the most unkind thing that could have been done.
President Lee has said: “Never must we allow supposed mercy to the unrepentant sinner to rob the justice by which the true repentance from sinful practices is predicated.” 
- James A. Cullimore
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1974/04/justice-and-mercy?lang=eng


"Many times a bishop will write, “I feel he has suffered enough!” But suffering is not repentance. Suffering comes from lack of complete repentance. A stake president will write, “I feel he has been punished enough!” But punishment is not repentance. Punishment follows disobedience and precedes repentance. A husband will write, “My wife has confessed everything!” But confession is not repentance. Confession is an admission of guilt that occurs as repentance begins. A wife will write, “My husband is filled with remorse!” But remorse is not repentance. Remorse and sorrow continue because a person has not yet fully repented. Suffering, punishment, confession, remorse, and sorrow may sometimes accompany repentance, but they are not repentance. Prophet after prophet writes of shube—that turning back to the Lord, where we can be received with joy and rejoicing. The Old Testament teaches time and again that we must turn from evil and do instead that which is noble and good. This means that we must not only change our ways, we must change our very thoughts, which control our actions.
.....The meaning of repentance is not that people be punished, but rather that they change their lives so that God can help them escape eternal punishment and enter into his rest with joy and rejoicing. If we have this understanding, our anxiety and fears will be relieved.Repentance will become a welcome and treasured word in our religious vocabulary.Let us analyze these three steps of repentance. The first is commitment—to “restore the pledge.” This is the most difficult step in the repentance process. What does “restoring the pledge” mean?To restore or renew a pledge means to renew one’s covenant with the Lord. We must forget all excuses and recognize fully, exactly, what we have done. We must not say, “If I hadn’t been so angry,” “If my parents had only been more strict,” “If my bishop had only been more understanding,” “If my teachers had only taught me better,” “If it hadn’t been so dark!” There are hundreds of such excuses—none of which matters much in the final analysis.To truly repent, we must forget all such rationalizations. We must kneel down before God and openly and honestly admit that what we did was wrong. As we do so, we open our hearts to our Heavenly Father and commit ourselves completely to him.To really commit oneself to God and to changing one’s life—and to mean it—is the beginning of repentance. "
- Theodore Burton - Q. Of Seventy
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/08/the-meaning-of-repentance?lang=eng



❤ ❤ ❤
"Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord” ….“Even though sex can be an important and satisfactory part of married life, we must remember that life is not designed just for sex. Even marriage does not make proper certain extremes in sexual indulgence. To the Ephesian saints Paul begged for propriety in marriage: ‘So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.’ And perhaps the Lord’s condemnation included secret sexual sins in marriage, when he said: ‘… And those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God.’"
- Kimball - Miracle of Forgiveness, 73










   






1 comment:

  1. You did it AGAIN ! You took the words out of my heart . I have been pondering this over and over as last week I heard the opposite counsel ONCE AGAIN !! Whether stated directly to the addict or read in a book , it has the same effect on him : excuses , justifying and belittling my place in his heart . All of these heart attitudes are hugely triggering to me , spiraling me into a black hole to spend days or weeks climbing out , ALONE because he is busy justifying " because so and so said so ."
    The injury of this counsel is a key point in why addicts remain in his addiction , not releasing him from shame . My belief from watching others in and out of sobriety for this last few years . It has created massive confusion for me as I hear from far too many professionals or those in authority NOT to share or tell because it will hinder the addicts recovery , all while WITNESSING the exact opposite. One couple in particular he gushed out all he did , answered her every question and continued to remain as open even about thoughts - gasp- as he possibly could . They are teaching and are truly the most healed and joyful couple I have witnessed in this journey , many years later still in full recovery . All that is not about repentance , but true marriage recovery sure seems to me a natural fruit of true repentance. Not always to be sure , but a huge step in the process . Thank you for all your work formulating this - SO GOOD !!

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