Monday, February 9, 2015

What if my husband blames me?

I want to say something to all you wonderful wives out there who have husbands that blame and make excuses for their behavior, lies and addiction.


Its not your fault.

What?

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You could be angry with him. You could be furious with him. You could be hurt and in immense pain and not wanting to talk to him. You could stop having sex with him. You could be horrible to him. Hell, or you could even be the *perfect wife*.

That still doesn't give him a right to blame his lack of RECOVERY on you. It does not give him a right to blame, redirect, manipulate, lie, gaslight, force, belittle, or abuse you in any way.

He cannot blame ANY of his addiction, behavior, dishonesty,or mood on you. Its not your fault. YOU are not making honesty, sobriety & recovery hard for him. And you are not preventing him from being honest, sober & getting into recovery.

How do I know this?


Ive been there. I've done plenty of betraying. 


My ex husband was AWFUL to me when I got sober. He called me names, he refused to help me with our newborn while I was going thru hellish withdrawls. He was a passive aggressive beast. There was ZERO zeeeero comfort or love, and ONLY hostility from him.

But guess what? 

SO WHAT.



Yes, being honest was scary. Yes he was upset when I was honest. But him being upset had nothing to do with my personal responsibility to be honest, STAY sober, and keep working my tail off. I didn't fight him on it. There was no complaining or playing victim about how mean he was or about how it made sobriety & honesty harder. I knew what I did was wrong, what I did was horrible, why wouldn't he be angry? I accepted his anger. I accepted the consequences to my actions.

Actually, it was good for me to accept his anger and take it. It was a consequence to my actions, I NEEDED to accept it in order to find forgiveness with God. This was crucial.
Without taking responsibility for ALL my actions, how could I ever expect God to forgive me???? How could I ever expect to stay sober?

Forgiveness would have been impossible. Recovery would have been impossible.
Could I have honestly gone to God and said "I'm sorry for all I've done wrong Lord, but its not all entirely my fault that im struggling to stay sober, my husband is really mad at me, and it makes it harder for me to get into Recovery. Can u forgive me now?"

Nope. It can't work like that.

For all you wives, nothing NOTHING you have done makes u responsible for HIS actions.

Nothing.

Nor should u ever accept responsibility for his actions. Blaming yourself for his actions would be trying to rob him of the consequences to his actions. He created this mess. Its ok that your hurt and angry. If he can't accept that responsibility, if he can't be honest, if he can't accept the consequences to HIS actions, then he's not ready for recovery.


He shot you with a machine gun and left you bleeding on the floor. He doesn't get to complain that his finger hurts from pulling the trigger.

5 comments:

  1. Are you sure you weren't inside my head tonight? This is exactly what I needed to read…it was like to knew the answer to the question I hadn't yet asked. Thank you my friend!

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  2. I wish this made me smile , but somehow it always makes me want to just sob . I FEEL like it is not my fault , but this voice in my head is always yelling counter lines of " yea but ...yea but ...yea but .."" and I can not grasp WHY do I do this ?? Sometimes it is after I completely blew up and totally over reacted as his "" little "" manipulations piled up in my gut - then the top blows off and I yell . So you are saying even if I reacted perfectly all along ( even though for many months i thought I was doing pretty good in the forgiveness , caring ,kind department ) he could have still found ways to blame me ?!
    Coming from one who walked it herself makes your posts impacting , and rips away his excuses ! Thank you ! Think I will go have that cry now . It is a surrender cry , it is good .

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  3. I had to come back and read this again…I needed the reminder. I am so angry right now and struggling to let go of the anger and find peace. He's really good at saying the words and taking responsibility when I'm in a good mood…but it falls all apart when I'm angry. He ends up in addict mode every.single.time and then says if I just wasn't so angry all the time…I HATE this damn addiction!

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  4. Thank you for adding that , it helps bring me desperately sought for clarity . So sorry for the spinning that happens to you too ! Its is the PITS !

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