Saturday, May 2, 2015

90 Day Program Craziness


Don't hate me. 

I'm gonna say it...

I cant stand the 90 day program. 


In this program from arpsupport.com they take addicts, give them a sponsor, make them rush through the 12 steps in 90 days, and then make them sponsors themselves to other addicts starting out in the program. (This is a completely different program than SA's "90 meetings in 90 days") The program was well intentioned. The idea was GREAT. The program? Severely lacking.

So what don't I like about it?

No one who is only 90 days sober (I mean, ITS BARELY 3 MONTHS. WHAT?) should ever be a sponsor. Ever. They don't even know HOW to be in long term sobriety themselves, how can they counsel someone else on how to get into long term sobriety?

Anyone else smell danger from this? :)

Imagine going to school to learn algebra and after a few classes of learning basic math you turned around and taught a class on how to do algebra. Sounds great right?

Because it makes sense.

Says no-one.


Not only does it run the risk of more relapsing and not thoroughly processed steps, but it also runs the risk of breeding a large amount of "algebra teachers" who only know basic math.

Im not saying it's impossible for it to be helpful for some. I'm sure men HAVE done this program and have found long term sobriety/recovery. If someone is truly repentant, they will do whatever it takes to get better and MOST program's could help. 

I guess the general rule then is to be careful of ANY sponsor from ANY program by asking them questions first to make sure they believe the same things. Treat it like a job position that THEY have to quality for.

Sponsors

Sponsors are not created equal, they aren't one size fits all. Don't be afraid to ask questions before choosing them as your sponsor, and make sure your beliefs line up.
Some sponsors will partake with the addict in blaming the wife and help fuel the incorrect harmful belief  "My wife is crazy and obsessive". Also its extremely sad and very dangerous when you have a sponsor who's telling an habitual lying addict they don't have to tell their wife details, or that they don't have to tell their wife about relapses, slips or triggers etc. And worst is when you have a sponsor who tells an addict "Oh, you only viewed softcore porn for 2 min but you didn't masturbate? Awesome, that's not a relapse, you don't have to start over your sobriety date. Good job for stopping yourself and not masturbating! Your doing great and your in Recovery!". 

(Ha, I mean, REALLY sponsors?)


If a sponsor ever says you don't need to tell your wife, or tells you masturbating (with or without finishing) or looking at ANY type of porn (even 2 min) isn't "big" enough to count as a relapse/slip and restart your sobriety etc, etc,....

Then RUN. 

Even though having a bad sponsor can happen with any sex addiction sponsor from any program, AGAIN, the general rule is to be careful of ALL sex addiction sponsor's regardless of the program. 

Sponsors aren't there to make addict's comfortable and to "feel good". Addicts are SUPPOSED TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE. No one changes their entire life and becomes a new person while staying comfortable.

And it is NOT a sponsors job to make sure an addict is accountable! No sponsor should put more work into it than their sponsee's.



In the end, I am just thankful the 90 day program is NOT technically a part of the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program. Sadly, I'm not sure everyone knows that.
Me and my husband sure didn't.

Spread the word.

8 comments:

  1. I have experience with the program and I think there's value in working the assignments every day as a recovering addict. That being said, I agree that having a sponsor with only 90 days of sobriety may help the sponsor continue to work the steps, but it isn't ideal for his sponsees.

    Recovery is different for everyone and the 90-day program has worked for some people, but no one should put all their recovery eggs in the same basket.

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  2. I hadn't even heard of this program, but what you are saying makes sense. I'm not sure I would feel excited to learn that a loved one's sponser is just starting out himself. I don't know...

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  3. Just my experience.... My hubs is doing this, and he does the written assignments day and night, and when he actually talked to his sponsor once, his sponsor asked him to read his assignments to him over the phone, and he felt like his sponsor wasn't even listening to him because he could hear him talking to someone else. And his sponsor is not available for him to call when he needs to reach out. So in his case, it has been extremely unhelpful and that is sad! But...that is just one experience. :)

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  4. Just my experience.... My hubs is doing this, and he does the written assignments day and night, and when he actually talked to his sponsor once, his sponsor asked him to read his assignments to him over the phone, and he felt like his sponsor wasn't even listening to him because he could hear him talking to someone else. And his sponsor is not available for him to call when he needs to reach out. So in his case, it has been extremely unhelpful and that is sad! But...that is just one experience. :)

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  5. My husband also did this - twice, and was 'removed' both times... after being told he didn't need to start over on his count for worse than porn viewing. You can't take an addict that has 30 years of porn viewing (and worse, much worse) on his resume and expect them to heal in 90 days. The program feeds into the addicts - 'I want everything in my life to be easy' attitude. When he started this program I was excited... and he did the daily questions and reading - the structure for his mornings and evenings was great. Maybe it helps those 18 yr olds getting ready for a mission, or the "I just fell into this' group... It's just not an effective program for any kind of hard core addict.

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  6. Question - my hubs is about to begin this program. He isn't 100% thrilled at the set up but he figures it could still have benefit. He is barely sober, (like less than a week), but would be doing this in conjunction with 90 meetings in 90 days, ARP meetings, and our therapy with those assignments. His sponsor is decades sober, so that part doesn't super worry me. We did talk about how it is important to look at this as a stepping stone and not as "I'll be cured in 90 days, go me!" Could it be beneficial? When he brought up that he was going to do it I remembered reading your post... thoughts? Any plus side? I don't know the sponsor at all, and neither does my spouse really, just barely getting to know him.

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    Replies
    1. Laurie, from my experience doing the program twice, the daily assignments are a good way to dig deep into the twelve steps. That's a plus. As for the sponsor, it's hit or miss, unfortunately. I've had two pretty relaxed sponsors that rarely responded quickly when I needed to reach out during the week, and the weekly chats were more me reading my answers to the assignments than actually talking.

      Something I thought of for your husband to do is to talk to his sponsor about his expectations: for example, that the sponsor responds to him in a timely manner (reasonably, of course), that the sponsor asks him follow-up questions during the weekly call to really connect, and that the sponsor reaches out to your husband if he notices your husband is struggling.

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