Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Should My Husband Take A Polygraph?

If Your Husband Struggles With a Sexual Addiction Should He Take a Polygraph?


I love polygraphs.


I believe all sex addicts should take an annual polygraph.

I KNOW the idea may seem extreme at first, people give me funny looks all the time when I tell them my husband took one. Polygraphs are never to replace good sense and gut intuition. Ever. That would be asinine.

Polygraphs are merely to help validate what our gut intuitions are already saying. Its just an added layer of protection that when used only by itself isn't enough. But when combined with multiple layers is helpful because you can't have too much protection when it comes to this addiction due to its stealthiness.

Sex Addiction Psychologist Doug Weiss who uses the polygraph with his clients says :
   "If they refuse or make excuses, the spouse and I both know that the accused is most likely hiding something. In my experience, I have never had someone object who didn’t have something to hide when they took the polygraph.

I have also seen accusations totally stop if the accused is actually innocent. This is a wow for everybody. I have seen countless marriages saved by polygraphs. In some cases, they take ongoing polygraphs to verify the cancer of adultery or pornography has stayed in remission. The truth does set us free."
http://ministrytodaymag.com/index.php/features/19296-the-miracle-of-marriage

Weiss also said that when men agree to the polygraph and "stay clean," most wives tend to stay in the marriage. But when partners refuse treatment, the wives are more apt to leave them.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wives-sex-addicts-seek-support-suffering-silence/story?id=14609889

"Polygraphs work best as part of a healing process. Think of it like cleaning out a wound.  The wound needs debridement (a good analogy. Debridement is the surgical removal of foreign matter or dead tissue from a wound). Cleaning out the wound completely is painful. But the anguish is strategic because it lays the foundation for honesty, integrity, and commitment to the recovery process."
http://trailheadcounseling.com/polygraph-exams/

The biggest argument I hear about polygraphs are:
1.) They don't work
2.) Women should trust their gut intuitions and not put trust in a polygraph.
3.) Polygraphs are shaming and humiliating for the addict.

LET'S TALK ABOUT ARGUMENT #1:

U.S. Government studies have concluded that when a qualified examiner conducts the test properly, the polygraph exam is between 87 and 95 percent accurate. 

If polygraphs didn't work why would the government still use them? Why would sex offenders still be required to take them? Why would some judges still approve of them?

When it comes to a traditional polygraph, "MythBusters Kari Byron, Grant Imahara and Tory Belleci attempted to trip up two types of lie detector tests - a traditional polygraph test that measures physiological signs of stress and functional MRI (fMRI) scans that track blood flow in the brain.

For the polygraph experiment, Tory pinpricked himself and bit his tongue when answering questions truthfully in an effort to induce stress responses, including increased heart rate, blood pressure and sweating. Theoretically, keeping his physical reactions amped up like this should counterbalance any stress signals registered when he lied. But Tory's pain was in vain when the machine still spotted his lies.

Grant, on the other hand, tried to use his mind to out-fox the polygraph: He conjured up happy thoughts while lying and stressful ones while telling the truth to muddy the results. However, he couldn't think away his sweating skin, which is what ultimately betrayed him. The team wasn't able to bust the polygraph, but that isn't the only lie detection test on the block." - Discovery.com

NOW LET'S LOOK AT ARGUMENT #2:

Many women are slowly gaslighted for so long, they no longer trust their gut intuitions (frog in the cold to » boiling water analogy comes to mind).

How does one RE-learn to trust their intuition if they don't recognize it anymore? Do we tell them to simply "Trust their gut"?

How does that help someone who no longer trusts their gut and can't even recognize their gut intuition anymore? That would be like telling a someone who didn't know what a carburetor was to go find a carburetor. Yes, they might have a sense that it is somewhere in a car...but how are they going to find it?

I had to RE-LEARN to recognize and validate and trust my gut intuition by having things like monitoring/filtering programs, polygraph, hearing other women's stories, becoming closer to God etc etc. (Although becoming closer to God never could have been reliable at first because understandably I didn't trust God anymore due to my entire world being turned upside down. I needed to re-learn to trust God also).

This is sort of what it looked like: I felt my husband was lying > I looked at monitoring and saw he was lying >  BAM I learned "Holy crap I was RIGHT". Doing this over and over helped me get rid of any doubt. And NOW I know I can trust my gut. I CAN trust God. But I also know how stealthy the addiction can come back and can deceive ANYONE, even expert therapists (again, frog in water analogy).

So I keep securities like monitoring and polygraphs in place JUST IN CASE for added protection. Do I NEED it right now? Maybe not. But that doesn't mean I'm invincible.

Polygraphs can also help husbands be honest. It would have taken years and years for my husband to be COMPLETELY honest. I wasn't willing to wait years and years. And if a polygraph helped give him the nudge he needed to get to the place of "Fear of the problem becomes greater than the fear of the solution" etc, then hell yes I'm all for it.

LASTLY, ARGUMENT #3:

The addict lied extensively, gaslighted, brougt evil into the home, put his wife and children in danger, and more often than not was abusive in one way or another........and your worried that their pride may be hurt???

Polygraphs do not cause an addicts shame.

Their lies, actions and negative beliefs do!


MUST READ!!!!!! TIPS & KEY POINTS WHEN FINDING A GOOD POLYGRAPHER:

* Polygraphers are everywhere, you can ask your therapist or Google search some in your city and then call around and ask specific questions and interview them about their experience and qualification with sex addiction. Think of it like a job interview THEY must qualify for. 

* Polygraphs cost anywhere from $300-600

* Polygraph and preparation is a long process and can take anywhere from 3-5 hours.

*  I advise AGAINST telling your husband what 1-3 base questions you want asked. Ask your husband ANY question you want beforehand (many polygraphers have in depth sexual assessment questionnaires you can use). But I highly advise AGAINST telling your husband what 1-3 BASE questions you plan on having the polygrapher ask. He doesn't need to be premeditating what answers to give 😁 

THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!! I can't stress this enough....Before you start asking questions, make sure your husband understands the definition of what you are asking. Don't EVER assume an addict fully understands what your saying Aka, don't assume his definition of pornography, masturbation, lust etc are the same as YOUR definition of pornography, masturbation, lust etc. 

No matter how obvious it seems, no matter how much you think "surely everyone gets it", be very specific, direct and simple with your wording. As though your talking to a child where even the smallest details have to be explained. Your husband is an addict. There is no common sense to addiction. Here is a list of disclosure questions   AND Here is the definitions to common addiction terms.

* Polygraphs aren't a machine where you push a button and it gives you instant results. Polygraphers are like hair dressers. Some are GREAT, some are O.K., and some can RUIN YOUR HAIR if they don't know what they are doing. The PCSOT Certification is the basic requirements for polygraphers to do sexual 'issue' work, so make sure they are PCSOT certified.

* Whether an addict who is lying can pass or fail largely depends on the preparation beforehand, the questions asked, and HOW they are worded. Wording is where much of the accuracy resides. 

* Extensively interview the polygrapher. Mistakes happen when you have a polygrapher with no experience, especially who isn't licensed and experienced to do polygraphs for sex addicts. If a they don't know how to read a person's behavior and don't know how to read the jumps and spikes properly, the error rate goes up.

* Ask the polygrapher how many questions you may ask. If they say you can ask 4 or more questions (without strongly advising you against it), DON'T use them.  The error rate increases the more questions you have.

* Expert Sex Addiction Polygrapher Wes Burns said:
    "Polygraph testing is a very complex process; it can be confusing, stressful, and daunting, and requires a lot of thoughtful consideration and preparation by all of the stakeholders beforehand. I appreciate your diligence in contacting other polygraph examiners, as they might provide some insight for you.
However, you should know that there is no polygraph licensing law in Arizona (and maybe others), and some people claiming to be examiners have questionable credentials or experience, or very little background with clinical testing - therefore, you should proceed carefully. Beware of any examiner who suggests that you can ask 'any questions that you want'....'or who tries to rush you in for an immediate exam'.... polygraph effectively does not work that way.
Scientifically validated testing formats limit exploratory or screening exams to just a few (i.e. about three) scored questions. Every time you add a question, the error rate goes up, and the accuracy goes down - a test with four scored questions has a statistical error rate of about 24%, which is why I do not take risks with adding a fourth scored question. Much of the value of a polygraph is comprised in the interview that happens before the test - the pre-test interview has much fewer limitations than the actual exam, and can include a broad array of topics and questions."


Polygraphs may not be for everyone, and that's OK. But they sure have helped many many people, and that help can't be denied or told its wrong or ineffective, because I'm living proof that it HAS been effective 💖. The fact that it helped me and my husband and anyone else doesn't contradict that it maybe didn't help someone else though. There may be multiple reasons as to why it didn't help, including an inexperienced polygrapher.

It is what it is. Lets continue seeking truth in whatever way we can 💖


1 comment:

  1. This is such an informative & helpful post, thank you so much for putting it out there. I've been wanting to pursue polygraph testing but had all these questions. You answered them all!

    ReplyDelete