tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91259508793006742442024-03-14T00:40:49.504-07:00Help For Victims Of Betrayal Abuse Everything You Never Thought You Wanted to Know About Abuse, Victim Blaming Language, & Sex Addiction Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-19089963746799739132023-03-01T17:12:00.003-07:002023-03-01T17:15:59.854-07:00The Overuse of Narcissism : Why Most Abusers Aren't Narcissists <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI3Oilh6jZJpycVoLqW16uYRpDK0EGsCAK_KQ6y6fTQceWS1T44rqDC8X4nwW17AO3ZEBYUxc42m3Mfn9n4mcd7UTiciTjUPdswuqcIyu2ex8HjTe0fG5amntRrCFGN7WMRGzG1LskJ8a_BcTeRQP9iW__F5dNDjZ312sOSJCX81wVeHBy4mm5luBC/s759/smilemask.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Most Abusers Aren't Narcissists" border="0" data-original-height="631" data-original-width="759" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI3Oilh6jZJpycVoLqW16uYRpDK0EGsCAK_KQ6y6fTQceWS1T44rqDC8X4nwW17AO3ZEBYUxc42m3Mfn9n4mcd7UTiciTjUPdswuqcIyu2ex8HjTe0fG5amntRrCFGN7WMRGzG1LskJ8a_BcTeRQP9iW__F5dNDjZ312sOSJCX81wVeHBy4mm5luBC/w320-h266/smilemask.jpg" title="The Overuse of Narcissism" width="320" /></a></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">“He’s such a narcissist”</span></h1><p>How many of us have heard people say things like this in reference to a perpetrator of abuse? Do perpetrators really have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or is this a term that has been overused and misused?
</p><p>According to the DSM 5 [1], Personality Disorders are biological, and the behaviors are “enduring”, “stable over time”, and “pervasive and inflexible” . The DSM 5 states :
</p><p>“The pattern in personality disorders is maladaptive and relatively inflexible, which leads to disabilities in social, occupational, or other important pursuits, as individuals are unable to modify their thinking or behavior, even in the face of evidence that their approach is not working. “
</p><p>(**Note “unable to modify their thinking or behavior”. This further attributes to the DSM’s claim that personality disorders are not choices, they are a part of who the person is)
</p><p>Having NPD means the person can't help it. Therapist Randy Withers LCMHC <a href="https://www.blunt-therapy.com/my-ex-has-narcissistic-personality-disorder/"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">states</span></a> :</p><p></p><blockquote><p>"While people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are capable of some truly terrible behaviors, they are nonetheless people who suffer from a mental illness that is largely beyond their control. </p><p>Those with a different point of view might take issue with what I have just said. NPD is a personality disorder, they would say. That’s totally different than a mental disorder like depression.</p><p>But they’d be wrong. The American Psychiatric Association classifies personality disorders as a type of mental disorder. The Mayo Clinic notes this as well, and research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry notes that their distinction is arbitrary."</p></blockquote><p>If a perpetrator was truly a narcissist, you would see the disorder in <i>all</i> aspects of their life. Ie. Interaction with boss, coworkers, parents, wife, pastor, friends, strangers, etc. But as many victims of abuse have experienced, abusers are generally just abusive to their partners and/or kids, but can put on a happy smile and act like a saint whenever they want to, when they want to impress someone, or when it’s important to them. This shows evidence their harmful behavior and mistreatment is a CHOICE, not a biological dysfunction and disorder they “can’t help”.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a>
<p></p><p>Furthermore, statistics show most abusers don’t even fit the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Gandolf (1999) [2] tested 840 abusers from four different batterer intervention programs and found only 25% exhibited narcissistic characteristics. Belfrage and Rying (2004) [3] interviewed 164 perpetrators of spousal homicide, and found only 6% had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Echeburua, Fernández-Montalvo (2007) [4] analyzed 162 perpetrators of intimate partner violence, and found only 12% had any psychopathy at all (and interestingly, the perpetrators within the study who murdered their partners were not more likely to have psychpathy either).
</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">But why is calling abusers “narcissists” harmful? </h4><p>According to the DSM definitions, automatically calling abusers “narcissists” implies they can’t help their behavior, it’s just “who they are”, and they are inflexible to change. This not only conceals the perpetrators choices, it also conceals the violence committed against victims. And whenever violence is concealed, victim blaming follows (society has to put the blame somewhere). In addition, the overuse of this label upholds the cultural notion that abusers cannot change, and if they cannot change then they cannot make a choice. How can we as a society stop abusers if we are inadvertently teaching them they can’t control themselves and cannot change? How can we protect victims if we cannot stop abusers? So for the safety of victims, we must stop using the label “narcissist” as a catch all for abusers.</p><p>I really appreciate what Response Based Practice stated, who are leading experts in violence against women and perpetrators :
</p><p></p><blockquote><p>“Part of treating offenders with dignity … is that with very rare exceptions, we see violence as deliberate, and people who perpetrate violence as already possessing all the skills and awareness and ability to be completely respectful and non-violent before you ever meet them.
</p><p>“People who perpetrate violence are not perpetrating violence all the time… If we begin to look at that then what we’re saying is, firmly, ‘your actions are deliberate and you are responsible for them. And we know that you’re completely capable of behaving differently and we can find out that you’re capable of behaving differently by looking at your excuses, your justifications, your denials.’ Because people would not bother to deny they’ve been violent if they didn’t already know it was wrong.
</p><p>“It’s much more dignified to treat men as capable, competent, social actors than as people who are just stupid, hapless, are driven by forces they don’t understand and need us to tell them how to behave. From our point of view that’s humiliating and you don’t get people to be responsible in that way. So we treat men as capable.”
</p></blockquote><p></p><p>References:
</p><p>[1] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
</p><p>[2] Gandolf (1999) <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/10778019922183372">https://doi.org/10.1177/10778019922183372
</a></p><p>[3] Belfrage and Rying (2004), Characteristics of spousal homicide perpetrators: a study of all cases of spousal homicide in Sweden 1990-1999 <a href="https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/characteristics-spousal-homicide-perpetrators-study-all-cases">https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/characteristics-spousal-homicide-perpetrators-study-all-cases
</a></p><p>[4] Echeburua, Fernández-Montalvo (2007), Male Batterers with and without Psychopathy: An Exploratory Study in Spanish Prisons <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0306624X06291460">https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0306624X06291460</a></p><p>Linda Coates & Allan Wade 2007 & 2021 <a href="https://www.insightexchange.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Language-and-Violence-Resource-Kit.pdf">https://www.insightexchange.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Language-and-Violence-Resource-Kit.pdf
</a></p><p>Influences :
</p><p>E Calvete (2008) , Mental health characteristics of men who abuse their intimate partner (PDF) <a href="https://scielo.isciii.es/pdf/sanipe/v10n2/revision.pdf">https://scielo.isciii.es/pdf/sanipe/v10n2/revision.pdf</a></p><p><br /></p><p>
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</p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-85132531283529470142023-01-15T14:04:00.022-07:002024-02-05T12:28:51.133-07:00Bruno Bettelheim: The Shocking History Of Trauma Bonding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDpWG642VMOBPgJ2TdK2gauHOvRdi1al4sfXA8vAiTvL7YZHo6ANWxzATCjYXJ3DHzk2NDgXGT4wgTNWfhJuiPlejYJQ86NzHfn4yNr9P9dhXXsJbiTp7yRYZbNpg1nPo_u52pT6AwLaYiZtV-jPlc8O22mLoemHB8QFkZa9wE_Sj6ZpcKbR8kH1Ql/s1079/Screenshot_20230115_133411_Gallery.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Trauma bond" border="0" data-original-height="1013" data-original-width="1079" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDpWG642VMOBPgJ2TdK2gauHOvRdi1al4sfXA8vAiTvL7YZHo6ANWxzATCjYXJ3DHzk2NDgXGT4wgTNWfhJuiPlejYJQ86NzHfn4yNr9P9dhXXsJbiTp7yRYZbNpg1nPo_u52pT6AwLaYiZtV-jPlc8O22mLoemHB8QFkZa9wE_Sj6ZpcKbR8kH1Ql/w320-h300/Screenshot_20230115_133411_Gallery.jpg" title="Bruno Bettelheim" width="320" /></a></div><p>I wanted to expound more on the history of the blaming label "Trauma Bonding" (to read why Trauma Bonding is victim blaming, and what the creator, Patrick Carnes, says about it, click <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><i>HERE</i></a></span> ).</p><p><br /></p><p>Dutton & Painter first mentioned a process called "traumatic bonding" back in the 80's, and Patrick Carnes took it and popularized it into an actual label called "Trauma Bonding". Dutton & Painter were influenced by other researchers like Porter, Walker, Ferenczi, and especially Bruno Bettelheim (I went down a long rabbit hole of reading 😳). </p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>Bruno Bettelheim was a child psychologist who helped create the "Refrigerator Mother Theory" that believed mothers were to blame for a child's autism, and he also helped perpetuate the "identification with the aggressor" theory, created by Ferenczi, when he wrote a paper in the 1940's about his experience as a holocaust survivor in a nazi concentration camp. <span style="white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: times;">He claimed that he saw a pattern where the other prisoners tried to mimic the gestapo by wearing their uniforms in order to avert dominance over other prisoners and because they "loved" looking like gestapo, or that prisoners in gestapo uniforms were even more mean than the gestapo, or that prisoners played cruel games involving slapping each other to see who can withstand the most pain and be the "toughest" , etc</span></span></p><p> Bettelheim later wrote tons of research papers, was one of the early writers on autism, treated autistic children, was an author of many books, a professor of Psychology and director of Orthogenic at University of Chicago, and was the director of Sonia Shankman Orthogenic School for Disturbed Children. </p><p><br /></p><p>Bettleheims research papers also laid the foundation for many other blaming labels including Codependency, Learned Helplessness, Stockholm Syndrome, etc., and influenced TONS of professionals, a few of them being:</p><p><br /></p><p>- Dutton and Painter used Bettelheims research papers to help develop the term "traumatic bonding" and applied it to abuse victims (though D&P didn't use it as a label at that time, they only used it as a way to describe a situation).</p><p>- Dr. L. Walker used Bettelheims research to implement Forenczi's "identification with the aggressor" theory in her development of Battered Woman Syndrome.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/06/why-carnescsat-empire-is-victim-blaming.html?m=1">Dr. Patrick Carnes</a> quotes Bettelheim as proof why victims are "addicted" to the addict. </p><p>- Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk <a href="http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/">quotes Bettelheim as proof victims are "addicted" to the trauma</a>/abuser/addict. Etc. (Heads up, Van Der Kolk has a history of abusing others) </p><p>Etc. </p><p>Sounds great right?? </p><p>BUT GET THIS.. </p><p>Bettelheim turned out to be a complete fraud and a liar! <span style="font-size: medium;"><u><b>He was never a psychologist!</b></u> </span> He never went to school for psychology, and only had a PhD in art history. He was just some dude who was obsessed with Sigmund Freud and idolized him (aw, a Freud wannabe), claimed to have worked with Freud personally (he lied 🤥), claimed Eleanor Roosevelt called for him to be removed from the concentration camps, lied about his credentials, and wrote papers that made him popular, including his ridiculous idea that mothers caused a childs autism (though he wasn't the only one. Bowlby who created Attachment Theory originally blamed mothers as well. Blaming women has often been the popular choice for decades). Bettelheim also had a history of sexually assaulting women, and abusing the children he experimented on at the Orthogenic School. 🤯</p><p><br /></p><p>Furthermore, it turned out that a lot of the stuff Bettelheim said happened in the nazi camp likely didn't happen either. <span style="white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: times;">Many of the other prisoners who were in the same camp as Bettelheim were interviewed and their accounts were drastically different from Bettelheims. They said Bettelheim was kind of an outcast among the prisoners. I've read some of their statements, and many of the "concerning" things that Bettelheim claimed happened were easily explained away as something innocent or rational by the other prisoners. For example the "cruel slapping game" to see who can withstand the most pain was actually an innocent boy scout game where one person turns around and people tap his butt (not inflict pain), and the person has to quickly turn around and guess who did it.</span></span></p><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: times;">Another example is Bettelheim's claim that there was a pattern of prisoners wearing gestapo uniforms in order to avert dominance, because they "loved" to look like gestapo. This is false. This isn't to say there weren't any prisoners who were mean to other prisoners, of course there were. But things just didn't happen in the way Bettelheim was claiming, nor was there a strong pattern. One prisoner explained that in another camp they were given old ratty police uniforms to wear, instead of the classic stripes, which were made far better than the striped uniforms, since the striped uniforms allowed rain to go straight through them. So when the prisoners were sent to the same camp as Bettelheim, many of them tried to continue wearing the police uniforms as long as they could, <i>solely</i> because they were of better quality and provided better protection, NOT because they "loved to look like the gestapo".</span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: times;">Etc. </span></span></p><p><br /></p><p>Basically, Bettelheim lied to <b>EVERYONE</b> about <b>EVERYTHING!</b></p><p><br /></p><p>What's even more shocking is that professionals <i>STILL</i> quote him today, and these philosophies are <i>STILL</i> being taught in colleges. 🤦♀️ Which leaves the question, why on earth is society continuing to believe in/teach theories that were rooted and fueled by a guy who was a liar and a fraud?? I don't know. I really don't know...</p><p><br /></p><p>VICTIMS DESERVE BETTER than to be treated with labels and theories that are about as "real" as Hysteria and Wandering Womb. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Resources :</p><p><br /></p><p>Genius or Fraud? <a href="https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-01-23-9701230196-story.html">https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-01-23-9701230196-story.html</a></p><p>&</p><p>Horrible Truth About Bruno Bettelheim </p><p><a href="https://chicagoreader.com/blogs/the-horrible-truth-about-bruno-bettelheim-revealed-in-letters-to-the-editor/">https://chicagoreader.com/blogs/the-horrible-truth-about-bruno-bettelheim-revealed-in-letters-to-the-editor/</a></p><p>&</p><p>Paradox of Bruno Bettelheim </p><p><a href="https://www.chicagotribune.com/history/ct-vintage-tribune-bruno-bettelheim-20230402-pefgguyzangalfah5q5re3fzom-story.html">https://www.chicagotribune.com/history/ct-vintage-tribune-bruno-bettelheim-20230402-pefgguyzangalfah5q5re3fzom-story.html</a></p><p>&</p><p>Fleck, C., & Müller, A. (1997). Bruno Bettelheim and the concentration camps (*Note, this paper gives examples of a few things that contradict Bettelheims statements of the nazi prisoners. However, this paper was written before the author found out Bettelheim was a fraud. I find it interesting he still had doubts of Bettelheims claims though) </p><p><a href="https://www.ssoar.info/ssoar/bitstream/document/23501/1/ssoar-jhistbehsc-1997-1-fleck_et_al-bruno_bettelheim_and_the_concentration.pdf">https://www.ssoar.info/ssoar/bitstream/document/23501/1/ssoar-jhistbehsc-1997-1-fleck_et_al-bruno_bettelheim_and_the_concentration.pdf</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p>Wikipedia </p><p><a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim">https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim</a></p><p>&</p><p>A Self Chosen State </p><p><a href="https://stuartschneiderman.blogspot.com/2015/10/autism-self-chosen-state.html?m=1">https://stuartschneiderman.blogspot.com/2015/10/autism-self-chosen-state.html?m=1</a></p><p>&</p><p>Who, really, was Bruno Bettelheim? </p><p><a href="https://www.commentary.org/articles/ronald-angres/who-really-was-bruno-bettelheim/">https://www.commentary.org/articles/ronald-angres/who-really-was-bruno-bettelheim/</a></p><p>&</p><p>Abuses of Enchantment (a very excellent read 🙌) </p><p><a href="https://www.vqronline.org/essays-articles/2019/09/abuses-enchantment">https://www.vqronline.org/essays-articles/2019/09/abuses-enchantment</a></p><p>&</p><p>The Creation of Doctor B: A Biography of Bruno Bettelheim</p><p><a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=MSpMJzNSepwC&oi=fnd&pg=PA7&dq=Bruno+Bettelheim+is+a+fraud&ots=bN-Utv075o&sig=bupNFBtrLuQ1ArAnHgAvldiyV60#v=onepage&q=Bruno%20Bettelheim%20is%20a%20fraud&f=false">https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=MSpMJzNSepwC&oi=fnd&pg=PA7&dq=Bruno+Bettelheim+is+a+fraud&ots=bN-Utv075o&sig=bupNFBtrLuQ1ArAnHgAvldiyV60#v=onepage&q=Bruno%20Bettelheim%20is%20a%20fraud&f=false</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>#StopVictimBlaming #traumabonding #codependency #wedonttalkaboutbruno #letstalkaboutbruno</p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-82044204395416328782023-01-10T14:31:00.003-07:002023-03-01T17:17:39.417-07:00Watching Porn Is Cheating<p>Ever wonder <i>WHY</i> watching pornography without consent of your partner is also cheating? It's because there's a part of the brain that cannot tell the difference between what's real or what's imagined. This is why we can laugh, cry, flinch etc. during movies or imagining something.</p><p>When a person is watching porn, reading porn, or masturbating to lust/fantasy in their head, the brain is literally chemically bonding to ANOTHER person. Whether a sex addict abuser is cheating with someone in real life or with the person their brain thinks is real, it's all chemically REAL to the brain. The only difference is the threat of STI's, pregnancy, etc. </p><p>This is why sex addict abusers don't even technically need porn after a while, they can just imagine the porn (lust/fantasy). Sex addiction is one of the only addictions that someone can get high from just the lust/fantasy in their head. I sure could never get drunk from alcohol only by thinking of it.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a> <p></p><p>To think how much sex addict abusers have chosen to saturate their brain with OTHER women, it literally DOES change ones beliefs and can impact one's choices. Especially because statistically most women in pornography are trafficked, and statistically the majority of pornography shows violence against women. So they are literally not only harming their brains with their choices, or destroying their partners they are cheating on, they are also harming the women whom they are watching, which drives the demand of their abuse. </p><p>The next time someone tells you "Oh but it's just porn, it's not as bad as cheating" you can tell them "Not according to the BRAIN! </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">But How Does The Brain Think It's Real? </h4><p>It's not a coincidence that after the movie Jaws came out, everyone went on a shark killing spree. Everyone consciously knew it was just a movie, yet it still increased people's fear of sharks and believing all sharks are out get them. What we watch DOES have a huge impact on how we think and what we believe. </p><p>Here's other examples of the brain believing what it's seeing or reading is real (even if the brain consciously knows it's not) :</p><p><br /></p><p>" Volunteers were asked to play a simple sequence of piano notes each day for five consecutive days. Their brains were scanned each day in the region connected to the finger muscles. Another set of volunteers were asked to imagine playing the notes instead, also having their brains scanned each day.</p><p>The top two rows in the image show the changes in the brain in those who played the notes. The middle two rows show the changes in those who simply imagined playing the notes. Compare this with the bottom two rows showing the brain regions of the control group, who didn’t play nor imagine playing, piano.</p><p>You can clearly see that the changes in the brain in those who imaged playing piano are the same as in those who actually played piano. Really, your brain doesn’t distinguish real from imaginary!"</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdhTFlU_sS-yyYXURE4CbZcgtEwxJKut4kPhZOLTSrVTLWcKDbTj9N7s0cuX8nBzfvHNgJs9kV5Z8ch84_vRE7fLVL_fTedjVogmqPuN4pou3m8ypkhGBv3tagN7E2qfzjDxe3fN_BG8GXxkEIyTmsArpo6405HZieh_OdEx_O8nlfyJv2qDuPMAwI/s823/piano-study-brain-scans%20(2).png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="823" data-original-width="673" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdhTFlU_sS-yyYXURE4CbZcgtEwxJKut4kPhZOLTSrVTLWcKDbTj9N7s0cuX8nBzfvHNgJs9kV5Z8ch84_vRE7fLVL_fTedjVogmqPuN4pou3m8ypkhGBv3tagN7E2qfzjDxe3fN_BG8GXxkEIyTmsArpo6405HZieh_OdEx_O8nlfyJv2qDuPMAwI/s320/piano-study-brain-scans%20(2).png" width="262" /></a></div><p><a href="https://drdavidhamilton.com/does-your-brain-distinguish-real-from-imaginary/">https://drdavidhamilton.com/does-your-brain-distinguish-real-from-imaginary/</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"Researchers have discovered that words describing motion also stimulate regions of the brain distinct from language-processing areas. In a study led by the cognitive scientist Véronique Boulenger, of the Laboratory of Language Dynamics in France, the brains of participants were scanned as they read sentences like “John grasped the object” and “Pablo kicked the ball.” The scans revealed activity in the motor cortex, which coordinates the body’s movements. What’s more, this activity was concentrated in one part of the motor cortex when the movement described was arm-related and in another part when the movement concerned the leg.</p><p>The brain, it seems, does not make much of a distinction between reading about an experience and encountering it in real life; in each case, the same neurological regions are stimulated"</p><p><a href="https://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/03/18/opinion/sunday/the-neuroscience-of-your-brain-on-fiction.html?referer=https://www.google.com/">https://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/03/18/opinion/sunday/the-neuroscience-of-your-brain-on-fiction.html?referer=https://www.google.com/</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p>"When we mentally replay an episode we've experienced, it can feel like we are transported back in time and re-living that moment again," said Dr. Brad Buchsbaum, lead investigator and scientist with Baycrest's RRI. "Our study has confirmed that complex, multi-featured memory involves a partial reinstatement of the whole pattern of brain activity that is evoked during initial perception of the experience. This helps to explain why vivid memory can feel so real."</p><p>"Dr. Buchsbaum's team found 'clear evidence' that patterns of distributed brain activation during vivid memory mimicked the patterns evoked during sensory perception when the videos were viewed – by a correspondence of 91% after a principal components analysis of all the fMRI imaging data."</p><p><a href="https://medicalxpress.com/news/2012-07-vivid-memory-real-perceptual-mental.html">https://medicalxpress.com/news/2012-07-vivid-memory-real-perceptual-mental.html</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"The timing of mentally simulated actions closely mimic actual movement times. Autonomic responses during motor imagery parallel the autonomic responses to actual exercise. Cerebral blood flow increases are observed in the motor cortices involved in the programming of actual movement (i.e. premotor cortex, anterior cingulate, inferior parietal lobule and cerebellum). These three sources of data provide converging support for the hypothesis that imagined and executed actions share, to some extent, the same central structures."</p><p><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8713549/">https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8713549/</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>".. First direct evidence that our brain patterns are similar whether we are actually doing something or simply watching someone else do it." </p><p>"When watching a task being performed, subjects don't simply follow the movement of hand and block with their eyes. Instead, their gaze shifts in anticipation of the next move, and the brain patterns mimic those of someone actually doing the task." </p><p><a href="https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/08/030814071840.htm">https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/08/030814071840.htm</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"Rubber Hands ‘Feel’ Touch That Eyes See</p><p>Each of ten subjects was seated with their left arm resting upon a small table. A standing screen was positioned beside the arm to hide it from the subject's view and a life-sized rubber model of a left hand and arm was placed on the table directly in front of the subject. The subject sat with eyes fixed on the artificial hand while we used two small paintbrushes to stroke the rubber hand and the subject's hidden hand, synchronising the timing of the brushing as closely as possible.</p><p>..subjects experienced an illusion in which they seemed to feel the touch not of the hidden brush but that of the viewed brush, as if the rubber hand had sensed the touch."</p><p><a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/35784">https://www.nature.com/articles/35784</a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"Experimental and clinical psychologists have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the human nervous system cannot tell the difference between an ‘actual’ experience and an experience imagined vividly and in detail" </p><p>Dr Maxwell Maltz</p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>Yourbrainonporn. com states:</p><p> "Research on mental imagery indicates that fantasizing or imagining an experience activates many of the same neural circuits as performing it. In other words, fantasizing about pornography reinforces your addictive pathways." </p><p>" 'When you’re addicted to something, your brain's dopamine goes all out of control. This is what causes the problems in the first place. So what happens? We decide to quit the pornography and masturbation. That’s a great start.</p><p>If you read the science literature you'll find that small amounts of dopamine are released just anticipating a stimulus (i.e., wanting a piece of chocolate cake, or in this case porn or sex).</p><p>Put it this way: If you quit smoking or alcohol would you spend all day staring at their containers? Probably not, because it creates temptation. It creates that same rush in our brain. You see? Once you quit pornography and masturbation, if you're still looking at regular women and imagining them in pornographic scenes, that’s not really quitting.' "</p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-62922419505447842052022-11-15T16:42:00.007-07:002023-08-17T16:36:48.705-07:00How To Find A Therapist To Vet<p> How I find therapists to vet :</p><p><br /></p><p>- Go to PsychologyToday website and input your zip code.</p><p><br /></p><p>- Then narrow down the search by clicking on "Issues" and selecting the options Domestic Abuse, Sexual Abuse, & Trauma and PTSD. (Do NOT select Addiction or Sexual Addiction!! You don't need an addiction therapist, you need a therapist who understands abuse and trauma. If a therapist TRULY understands abuse, trauma, and victims, then everything sex addiction /betrayal trauma related will be common sense) </p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>- Then click on "Types", and select EMDR. (EMDR is very helpful for trauma)</p><p><br /></p><p>- You can also click on "Gender" and select a female or male. I personally prefer to see women.</p><p><br /></p><p>- If you're going through insurance you can also narrow down the search based on your insurance. </p><p><br /></p><p>- Then read each therapists bio and make sure they don't list "Codependency" under issues they specialize in. Email each therapist candidate that looks good to you. This is usually what I write to therapists when I try to vet them :</p><p><br /></p><p>"I'm looking for a therapist who specializes in abuse, intimate partner violence, coercive control, and trauma 💗 Especially one that does NOT use victim blaming pathological modalities like Codependency, Trauma Bonded, Prodependency, Stockholm Syndrome, Learned Helplessness, Drama Triangle, etc. I also need a therapist who understands patriarchy/misogyny, the harm pornography does against women/how it fuels trafficking, and won't say a husbands abuse, pornography addiction, and cheating are "normal" and ok. Do you have experience in these things? "</p><p><br /></p><p>If the therapist writes back and says they use any of those victim blaming modalities then don't use them.</p><p><br /></p><p>Here's a list of things to look out for when determining if the therapist is a good fit :</p><p><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-your-therapist-is.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-your-therapist-is.html?m=1</span></a></p><p><br /></p><p>** If you don't get many search results, try taking off trauma and PTSD, or, sexual abuse (not both). Never take off EMDR unless you absolutely for sure have to. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Remember, the therapist works for you. Think of it like a job interview. NEVER ASSUME A THERAPIST KNOWS HOW TO HELP YOU JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A LICENSE. Therapists are like jeans, sometimes you have to try on a few to find the right fit. 💕</p><p><br /></p><p>Fantastic article with more question examples to ask a therapist 🙌 :</p><p><a href="https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2017/05/08/finding-a-good-counselor/?fbclid=IwAR1L5qKUZEDiAiwPEOZo0ErqkQw65s5oH7IYpr50wS4LTHiJjfd1n9ZG104"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2017/05/08/finding-a-good-counselor/?fbclid=IwAR1L5qKUZEDiAiwPEOZo0ErqkQw65s5oH7IYpr50wS4LTHiJjfd1n9ZG104</span></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzukhlL_rF6WPKXZFVtjZ7SB1qV8tuJeX2UemVBDWRb8Qy4GIzjuRtZjtsyW4UhSrvf8dIfh9o5b8CRrs9svaUIJaLwXL8SKTHChoL1DdbL8QkqO0-QI4XeR15PdwFT8kgYIDwdFmStCpfe05IWwyTcGezXcQsLVwQ6vnM3A2rr0bp4IFyvcgAdfpr/s1155/holding_hands_in_support-1296x728-header-1296x728.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="648" data-original-width="1155" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzukhlL_rF6WPKXZFVtjZ7SB1qV8tuJeX2UemVBDWRb8Qy4GIzjuRtZjtsyW4UhSrvf8dIfh9o5b8CRrs9svaUIJaLwXL8SKTHChoL1DdbL8QkqO0-QI4XeR15PdwFT8kgYIDwdFmStCpfe05IWwyTcGezXcQsLVwQ6vnM3A2rr0bp4IFyvcgAdfpr/s320/holding_hands_in_support-1296x728-header-1296x728.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-52215973606586269412022-06-07T15:12:00.004-07:002022-11-15T15:58:43.062-07:00Why The Carnes/CSAT Empire Is Victim Blaming <p><br /></p><p>FYI: The CSAT training is FULL OF CODEPENDENCY/victim blaming. Stephanie Carnes runs the CSAT trainings (her father Patrick Carnes made up the CSAT label and lets her run it. The same Patrick Carnes that also said parents are sexually attracted to their children 🤮 See screenshot at the bottom) and she teaches therapists information about betrayal trauma out of her "Facing Heartbreak" workbook which has a ton of victim blaming. This means that therapists are being told they are learning betrayal trauma, when in fact they are learning a hybrid of victim blaming models and betrayal trauma, and possibly don't even know it.... after all, the Carnes are the "experts" in the sex addiction industry. (Examples of victim blaming models : <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1" target="_blank">Codependency</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1" target="_blank">Trauma Bonding</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1" target="_blank">Stockholm Syndrome</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1" target="_blank">Reactive Abuse</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1" target="_blank">Learned Helplessness</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1" target="_blank">Prodependency</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/02/victim-is-not-weak-shameful-word.html?m=1" target="_blank">telling victims they are acting like a victim, in victim mode, or in victim mentality</a>, etc).</p><p><br /></p><p>Stephanie Carnes and the CSAT community still have a lot to learn about trauma & abuse. No good therapist would ever say such horrible blaming things below to a woman who has been raped, so why would they say it to a betrayed wife who's being abused? Are all CSATs uneducated? No. But most are, and it's important to remember that the CSAT label doesn't automatically mean a therapist is good. If someone found a good CSAT therapist then I promise it had nothing to do with their weekend CSAT training 💗</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>Here's some info about Stephanie Carnes & Facing Heartbreak, and also a few concerning things Patrick Carnes has said :</p><p>1. Stephanie Carnes said in a Helping Couples Heal podcast that only 1-2% of CSATS are using the victim blaming codependency model. But according to polls in multiple betrayal groups, MOST CSATS are STILL using victim blaming codependency models. Just because the Carnes empire tried to stop saying the word codependency AS often (they didn't completely stop using it), doesn't mean they stopped using the same treatment for codependency. </p><p>Stephanie Carnes SAYS she's pro trauma model now, but she's clearly still heavily using the victim blaming models. </p><p>2. In Stefanie Carnes workbook "Facing Heartbreak" (even the newly revised version, why didn't she take this crap out back when she revised it?), Stephanie has a list of "Secret cloak like behaviors" that wives do that are "crazy making reactive choices" which are part of the "toxic dance". Some of those behaviors are things like :</p><p>"Snooping</p><p>Searching files</p><p>Canceling magazine subscriptions</p><p>Searching the home</p><p>Searching his phone</p><p>Installing computer Spyware (fyi, this is also called Monitoring software. They are the same thing) </p><p>Hiring a private detective</p><p>Throwing away porn stashes</p><p>Adopting a victim stance " - - (whaaaat? Victims of abuse ARE victims, wth? 🤦)</p><p>Etc... The list goes on. </p><p>Heaven forbid us women ever try to find the truth for ourselves in order to keep our lives and homes SAFE. I guess shame on us for choosing to engage in such "toxic crazy making reactions". 🤦♀️</p><p>On the next page in Facing Heartbreak, it lists "Dagger like behaviors". Stephanie says "A dagger brings to mind the potential for pain and damage.... emotions that are not expressed appropriately in the relatinship can 'cut' the addict....Circle all the destructive dagger-like behaviors you have used when reacting to your partners sex addiction. "</p><p>Here's a few from this list:</p><p>"Yelling</p><p>Silence</p><p>Blaming</p><p>Gaining Weight (... 😯😯) </p><p>Profanity </p><p>Telling children of partners addictions</p><p>Calling addict names </p><p>Threats of telling church leaders </p><p>Monitoring progress with anger</p><p>Interrogating </p><p>Demands for attention "</p><p>🙄</p><p>So wives, don't you dare gain weight while in trauma, that would be a "dagger like behavior" and would cut the poor addict abuser and hurt both of you. Also, don't blame him for something he really did do, that's bad. AND even though you're in such horrible pain and trauma and are so confused and gaslit you don't know up from down, DON'T EVEN THINK about having any negative emotions that could lead to yelling, profanity, or even telling your children, church leaders, or basically ANYONE, because that would be viewed as a threat by your addict husbands 😳😳😢</p><p>Again, you can always tell when advice/treatment is from the codependency or a victim blaming model by asking yourself this question: "Would they say the same thing if instead I was brutally raped by a stranger?". 💗</p><p><br /></p><p>3. Patrick and Stefanie Carnes believe masturbation can be healthy for some sex addicts. Which is like saying an alcoholic can have a few healthy glasses of wine with dinner. Here's a Google doc with screenshots: <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WUtLnsfmtJtV2F-prT4_YOKSfO_dRaejlVJ0HudDpM0/edit?usp=drivesdk">https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WUtLnsfmtJtV2F-prT4_YOKSfO_dRaejlVJ0HudDpM0/edit?usp=drivesdk</a></p><p><br /></p><p>4. Someone informed me recently that IITAPs pastoral PSAP course (it's like the CSAT course, but pastoral) was full of victim blaming as well. The CSAT therapist Marnie Ferree who was running the betrayal trauma portion of the PSAP course (which was only 1.5 hours out of a 64 hour course 🙄 You can become a betrayal Trauma expert in only 1.5 hours, yeah👍🙌🤣) told everyone in the class that the codependency/co-addict model is correct, but that the "trauma /abuse people" took over and changed the codependency /co-addict meaning (no they didn't, it hasn't changed 🙄), and thats why Stefanie Carnes changed some of the wording in her books but kept the treatment of codependency/co-addiction. She also stated that people like Dr Omar Minwalla went "too far". </p><p>This completely validated what I've been saying for years: The people in the Carnes empire are NOT trauma or abuse/violence informed, and are NOT truly teaching about betrayal trauma . They are only saying they are in order to not be blacklisted by the growing number of educated women & therapists who are anti-victim blaming. Stefanie Carnes' whole coming out video in 2013 where she basically said "I no longer believe in codependency, I never felt it fit. It's trauma, not codependency" (paraphrasing) were just pretty words, because she was only talking about the WORD, not the belief behind codependency, and it's TREATMENT. And even then, she still chose to use the word codependency in her books🤦, my guess is so she didn't piss off the outdated pro codependency crowd. I believe her "trauma awakening" was all a stunt so the Carnes empire didn't lose business. She's still actively using the victim blaming codependency model.</p><p>Feels like widespread gaslighting, eh? </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-TdTn9ds6PKfSwHs9NKOc0BtEiPBZuU-DQ7GpT9sFVAHTFtzdwAHB8qu4acf-3f0Fj1evgd-VoLANVbp33oCccT0h7SBlwu7gxEXnE2wST0I2oz_9bu76XeI1sO4BfLU6IE9L6O_5Xy_QaHzYf9OByOaVI6gpLyyMVS3CSKi0PF1KRalByKMEX7zo/s1075/20210222_175455.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1009" data-original-width="1075" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-TdTn9ds6PKfSwHs9NKOc0BtEiPBZuU-DQ7GpT9sFVAHTFtzdwAHB8qu4acf-3f0Fj1evgd-VoLANVbp33oCccT0h7SBlwu7gxEXnE2wST0I2oz_9bu76XeI1sO4BfLU6IE9L6O_5Xy_QaHzYf9OByOaVI6gpLyyMVS3CSKi0PF1KRalByKMEX7zo/w200-h188/20210222_175455.png" width="200" /></a></div><br /><p>What's also sad is even therapists taking their courses are convinced it's trauma informed because again, that's what they're told. You then try to convince the therapists that the information they learned about betrayal trauma at the CSAT certification is misinformed, and of course most of them don't listen to you since "they are the trained professionals after all, and learned from the best experts in the industry". </p><p>It's a giant mess.</p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">** FYI, when I say Carnes empire, I mean everything that Patrick & Stefanie Carnes built. Here's a few :</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;"> - IITAP - The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- SASH - Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- CSAT - Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (and ASAT, Associate)</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- CMAT - Certified Multiple Addiction Therapist</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- CPTT - Certified Partner and Trauma Therapist (and APTT, Associate) </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- PSAP - Pastoral Sex Addiction Professiona (like CSAT but pastoral) </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- AFAR - American Foundation for Addiction Research </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- GentlePath (intensive, books, publishing company, etc) </span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- PineGrove Gratitude program</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">- The Meadows addiction treatment</span></p><p><br /></p><p>5. Here's more harmful things the Carnes have said about abuse victims, like saying victims are "addicted to trauma". It's nauseating....</p><p>Trauma Bonding: </p><p><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></p><p>More of a deep history of how "trauma bonding" was created. It was largely based on someone who turned out to be a fraud and a liar: </p><p><a href="https://www.facebook.com/1115055381/posts/10226934807292243/?app=fbl">https://www.facebook.com/1115055381/posts/10226934807292243/?app=fbl</a></p><p>Carnes saying parents are sexually attracted to children, & also where he talks about a father raping his daughters and refers it as "intensely active sexually". Not rape, abuse, molestion, etc or any of the accurate terms, but "intensely active sexually", as if it's consensual or just some ordinary sexual action 🤮:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4U8PAL2KnG_nQHUlyF9HZDHCf7pvoUF_4t3f_0yYRdMBLl0Iu-y96HFBMgt67KvdSY666KLyNRTI3wc5A_Zh6tu-Cx2eYrVCxUBouZbQlDCu-0bjCdua5l1IzM6AgbtxtE-R5n9F5jKQXu1g4Ig7O6cXw-3K6DKKzXCIyYbs2YTCRsabn5UHs0yPU/s1080/Screenshot_20220726-114107_Kindle.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="916" data-original-width="1080" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4U8PAL2KnG_nQHUlyF9HZDHCf7pvoUF_4t3f_0yYRdMBLl0Iu-y96HFBMgt67KvdSY666KLyNRTI3wc5A_Zh6tu-Cx2eYrVCxUBouZbQlDCu-0bjCdua5l1IzM6AgbtxtE-R5n9F5jKQXu1g4Ig7O6cXw-3K6DKKzXCIyYbs2YTCRsabn5UHs0yPU/s320/Screenshot_20220726-114107_Kindle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p>My Facebook post about it :</p><p><a href="https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02T9ZPtHDJCui472dFmw7RdSbx25JvB93ricxY8dLUNexH7NAshrEEdu7pduqZvQmZl&id=1115055381">https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02T9ZPtHDJCui472dFmw7RdSbx25JvB93ricxY8dLUNexH7NAshrEEdu7pduqZvQmZl&id=1115055381</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-29002673443482322762022-03-17T13:22:00.013-07:002022-11-15T16:43:02.364-07:0090-99% of Men Regularly View Pornography <h1 style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: normal; text-align: left;">Pornography Statistics:</span></h1><div><span style="font-weight: normal; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">"94.2 % [men] had viewed pornography in the last six months. </span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Additionally, 82.4% indicated that they currently were regular users of pornography, or had been at some point. Median response for frequency of use over the last six months was 3–4 times per week. Median response for average session length was 15–30 minutes."</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*** "religious participants did not report using pornography any more or less frequently than their non-religious counterparts." </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Self-Perceived-Effects-of-Pornography-Consumption-Miller-Hald/2d18935d550c560c0962b7c58cd9c1a688866cdc">https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Self-Perceived-Effects-of-Pornography-Consumption-Miller-Hald/2d18935d550c560c0962b7c58cd9c1a688866cdc</a></span></p><span><a name='more'></a></span><div><br /></div><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Consumption rates of men were generally consistent (91–99%) across time frames" </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">&</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"91.5% of men and 60.2% of women herein reported having consumed pornography in the past month."</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Note* Pornography definition included written, pictures & video. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ingrid Solano et al. J Sex Res. 2020 Jan.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30358432/">https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30358432/</a></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(^^^ this is also the study that is cited in Fight the New Drugs article that said 90-99% </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-consumption-rates-among-young-adults-underreported/">https://fightthenewdrug.org/porn-consumption-rates-among-young-adults-underreported/</a></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> ) </span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">98.1% of men have viewed pornography in the past 6 months. 80.3% of those men view pornography at least once a week. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Note : Sample from adults in relationships</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29281588/">https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29281588/</a></span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">92% men watched pornography in last 6 months. 82.5% in the last month. 63.4% in the last week. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Pornography-consumption-in_tbl2_6756843">https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Pornography-consumption-in_tbl2_6756843</a></span></p><div><br /></div><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A study with 434 adult men found that 99% of study participants looked at porn at least occasionally.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563215302612?via%3Dihub">https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563215302612?via%3Dihub</a></span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">86-96% consumption rates among men </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3396722/#!po=5.73770">https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3396722/#!po=5.73770</a></span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">College students from 6 different universities: "9 out of 10 (87%) young men and nearly one third (31%) of young women reported using pornography [at LEAST once a month]" </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; height: 222px; overflow: hidden; width: 351px;"><img height="222" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/Z6dLnA5MiqHvJ3THbjrBICZWR-6RxXIWs9tH9n0FKML30Hc2sqZhyMvej-eIMX9BdMYFa0Dqb7HfEGeo1t3AVuAvLAzDGphewNmTIaWRPXzsfaMXFoxxF2ZCzR7DAjC-AD3oHg6f" style="margin-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" width="351" /></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/247721479_Generation_XXXPornography_Acceptance_and_Use_Among_Emerging_Adults">https://www.researchgate.net/publication/247721479_Generation_XXXPornography_Acceptance_and_Use_Among_Emerging_Adults</a></span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*** “43 percent of men and 9 percent of women report watching pornography in the past week" — The Relationship in America data. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> * Note - The question the study asked was “When did you last intentionally look at pornography?“. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">&</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Relationship in America data also shows more than 50% of men ages 25-40 viewed pornography in the last WEEK, and that pornography use on a weekly basis is sometimes higher or lower depending on the religion. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NPR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; height: 466px; overflow: hidden; width: 379px;"><img height="466" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/xjChER1CK03prb402z5F-kkNTCXoU0iWY8fKt4DRemr0ngMbsQUtZML5k5dnzqCtDNT5CnhiWDsi2h-e7ZN6gvIxesqPTSLpJF0n6vwT0DTVBs4lRQpjiX3iEDxNF1GcDNYhaj6G" style="margin-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" width="379" /></span></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://relationshipsinamerica.com/pdf/Relationships%20in%20America%202014.pdf">https://relationshipsinamerica.com/pdf/Relationships%20in%20America%202014.pdf</a></span></p><div><br /></div><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">90% of men and 60% of women reported viewing pornography in the past month &</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">" 46% of men and 16% of women between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week" . (study with 5165 adults) - Regnerus, Gordon, & Price, 2016</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886">https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886</a></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(this study was also cited by M Seehuus et al 2021)</span></p><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Here's an older list that I gathered years ago that shows 70-80% of men regularly view porn across the world -</b></span><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2016/04/pornography-addiction-statistics-70.html?m=1" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2016/04/pornography-addiction-statistics-70.html?m=1</a></div><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A few statistics from the article :</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 8 out of 10 (79%) men between the ages of 18 and 30 view pornography at least monthly</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 2 out of 3 (67%) men between the ages of 31 and 49 view pornography at least monthly</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 1 in 2 (49%) men between the ages of 50 and 68</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2014 Stats by Self identified Christian men:</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* The number of Christian men viewing pornography virtually mirrors the national average</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 77% of those ages 18-30 view porn at least monthly. 36% daily.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 64% men view porn at least once a month (54% for born-again Christian men, 14% admit daily)</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* Approximately two-thirds of Christian men (65%) admit to viewing pornography at least one time while at work in the past 3 months. The numbers are lower for born-again Christian, with 44% viewing porn at work in the past 3 months. Christian men between 31-49 years old have the highest rates, with 77% admitting to viewing porn at work in the past 3 months. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- Proven Men did a nationwide survey of Christian men using a cross section of the population based upon gender, age, race, geography and other demographics. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"The Barna Group established that the sampling error for the entire survey is ±3.1 percentage points at the 95% confidence level." </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NPR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://www.provenmen.org/pornography-survey-statistics-2014">https://www.provenmen.org/pornography-survey-statistics-2014</a></span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*** * In 2007 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 90% of Christian men admitted that they were feeling disconnected from God because lust, porn, or fantasy had gained a foothold in their lives. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* 87% of university students are having sex over webcams, instant messenger or the telephone</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">* The average teenager spends three to four hours per day watching television and 83% of the programming most frequently watched by adolescents contains some sexual content</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NPR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.grabstats.com/statmain.aspx?StatID=657">http://www.grabstats.com/statmain.aspx?StatID=657</a></span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*** 64% of Christian church LEADERS struggle with sexual addiction </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NPR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://freedomeveryday.org/beta/sexual-addiction-articles/viewArticle.php?articleID=94">http://freedomeveryday.org/beta/sexual-addiction-articles/viewArticle.php?articleID=94</a></span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*** 68% of Christian men and 50% of pastors confessed to viewing porn WEEKLY in a recent survey.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NPR</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Christian News Wire, June 11, 2014</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.roadtograce.net/current-porn-statistics/">http://www.roadtograce.net/current-porn-statistics/</a></span></p><br /><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*** = Religious Study</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NPR = Not peer reviewed </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">PR = Peer Reviewed </span></p><br /><br /><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span><span><!--more--></span>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-61632011334820268912022-02-05T18:33:00.020-07:002023-12-20T13:16:55.575-07:00"Victim" Is Not A Weak Shameful Word <p><i>"Victim mode", </i></p><p><i>"Victim Mentality", </i></p><p><i>"Victim Mindset" </i></p><p><i>"Stop playing a Victim", </i></p><p><i>"It's tempting to be the victim"- </i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Leslie Vernick, author of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage</span>, </p><p><i>"Be a survivor, not a victim", </i></p><p><i>"You're a victim, but you don't have to live there. You have a choice", </i></p><p><i>"Victim thinking is actually self centered"</i> - <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal </span></p><p><i>"You are only a victim for a nanosecond"</i> - <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Pia Mellody via Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal </span></p><p><span><i>"Where there is choice... it is impossible to be a victim." </i>- <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal </span></span></p><p><i>"After the actual event of being victimized, you are no longer a victim in the present moment"</i> - <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Vicki Tidwell Palmer CSAT, Moving Beyond Betrayal </span></p><p><br /></p><p>These phrases and beliefs should NEVER be used with actual victims. I'm tired of the word "victim" being wrongly used as a weapon or way to control/silence victims under the guise of "empowerment". Can you imagine someone saying these things to a victim who just lost their entire home to a natural disaster? :<i> "Stop playing the victim, get out of your victimhood. It's not presently happening to you anymore, you're no longer a victim of natural disaster. Stop being self centered. You have a choice"</i>?? That would be incredibly insensitive and outright mean. </p><p>Contrary to popular belief, being an actual victim is <i><u>not</u></i> a feeling, a mood, or state of mind. There's no connotation of weakness in the dictionary definition of "victim". See?:</p><p></p><blockquote>Victim Definition: <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"to be hurt, damaged, or killed because of something or someone; a person who is cheated or fooled by someone else" </span></i></blockquote><p></p><p>"Victim" is simply a word that describes that something bad happened to us that wasn't our fault. That's all. Ie. Victim of a car crash, victim of assault, victim of natural disaster, etc. It's not who we are. When we talk about the word "victim" as if it's a negative label, feeling, mood, or state of mind, we are only fueling the belief that there is something wrong with the word "victim". Why WOULDN'T we want a word that means what happened to us wasn't our fault? That's a <i>good</i> thing! </p><p><br /></p><p></p><blockquote><p><i>"I use the terms victim and perpetrator..they're situated actions terms, they're not identity terms..I know a lot of people prefer survivor and that's cool, but the word victim at least denotes that a crime has been committed against you. The word survivor does not. So there's something in the word victim that is important."</i></p><p><i>"The word victim contains a criminal act."</i> <i>- Dr Allan Wade, Centre For Response Based Practice </i></p></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>But, can these phrases be used accurately in <i>any</i> context? Yes, these phrases are commonly and accurately used to describe a perpetrator who is pretending to be a victim of the person they victimized. For example, by definition "victim mentality" means that someone who is <i><u>not</u></i> a current victim is <i>playing</i> a victim :</p><p></p><blockquote>Victim Mentality : <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case <span style="background-color: #fcff01;">in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances</span>." </span></i></blockquote><p>However, again, phrases like this should <i>never</i> be used on someone who is actually a victim. Only people/perpetrators who are pretending to be a victim. For anyone to tell an actual current victim that they are in "victim mode", "victim mentality", etc. is LITERALLY TELLING THEM THEY AREN'T A VICTIM AND ARE JUST ACTING LIKE IT! </p><p>By acknowledging that I'm a victim, I'm acknowledging that I'm injured and it's not my fault. Again, this is good. But to imply I'm only "playing" a victim, it insinuates that I have fault in my injury, or am not <i>that</i> injured and am just being dramatic. Which is disgusting, incorrect, and wrong.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Please stop pathologizing & stigmatizing the word "victim" . It's not a dirty shameful weak word. I can be a survivor of abuse and also a victim of abuse. They don't contradict.</h3><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;">These articles below are amazing 🙌💗</span><br /></span></span><span><a name='more'></a></span></h3><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjExDZnil2gmeb3aUFijEMPyaSV3PCFDsPYuWR9TkU9LMec0tHnvq93JKKRM6QcP3Sww3UWf9aWk2ljztuaW-pfHOKIFH7PwfouOXMg1QDCNm-acGTGrJyUWENdp6X4v9iqdyVs8-AeA7h9YtwGETxM3a4GRahJdsvjDSoQyBs8NH1sBQT-CKr5BDk0=s960" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sassysexystrong" border="0" data-original-height="802" data-original-width="960" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjExDZnil2gmeb3aUFijEMPyaSV3PCFDsPYuWR9TkU9LMec0tHnvq93JKKRM6QcP3Sww3UWf9aWk2ljztuaW-pfHOKIFH7PwfouOXMg1QDCNm-acGTGrJyUWENdp6X4v9iqdyVs8-AeA7h9YtwGETxM3a4GRahJdsvjDSoQyBs8NH1sBQT-CKr5BDk0=w320-h267" title="Makemyburdenlight" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjqHgQj46y0W1J4ChF54RKk0L8Hn7CIn9-vCl1WM6qKXxoAgOhCrH6NSK8LrtsrEEPouJaNiYYo0x5KAb4qYX4TQy7g-EojOmiuXx7ulDmoBgRT3S3B-vaGIuE_FydXdYhe68cu-TJsbl5ZzvtXFuNAQ25q2dQ44r7YDexuH3_8JuE3-8LBZpHujIlT=s940" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sassysexystrong" border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" height="269" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjqHgQj46y0W1J4ChF54RKk0L8Hn7CIn9-vCl1WM6qKXxoAgOhCrH6NSK8LrtsrEEPouJaNiYYo0x5KAb4qYX4TQy7g-EojOmiuXx7ulDmoBgRT3S3B-vaGIuE_FydXdYhe68cu-TJsbl5ZzvtXFuNAQ25q2dQ44r7YDexuH3_8JuE3-8LBZpHujIlT=w320-h269" title="Makemyburdenlight" width="320" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>"There’s no shame in being hurt by what we’ve experienced. The shame is in hurting us. Telling victims not to ‘be victims’ and show or admit their hurt further traumatizes victims. They have nothing to be ashamed of."</p><p>.. </p><p>"I understand: we want the person who has been wronged to somehow come out the victor. It appeals to our sense of not having to take action ourselves, ‘cause somehow magical space-karma will solve the situation fairly for us.’ Sorry: life isn’t like that."</p><p>.. </p><p>"Those that make others victims are the problem. Not the victims. Forget ‘victim mentality’, show me the a**holes with ‘perpetrator mentality’ because they are the problem here. Not me."</p><p>.. </p><p>"‘Victim’ is a word that describes an individual who has been wronged. It doesn’t describe their response. I stand with all victims. The ones that fought back, the ones that died, the ones that put the experience behind them and got on with other things, the ones that put on a tough front, the ones that wonder why they don’t cry any more, even the ones that prefer to call themselves ‘survivors’ and the ones, like me, who occasionally scream at well-meaning people in train stations and then feel terrible about it.</p><p><br /></p><p>There isn’t a right way to respond to being a victim. All there is a right way to stop being a perpetrator. Maybe that’s the word people should be ashamed of."</p><p>#KateSmurthwaite</p><p><a href="https://newint.org/features/web-exclusive/2018/05/09/telling-victims-not-to-be-victims"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://newint.org/features/web-exclusive/2018/05/09/telling-victims-not-to-be-victims</span></a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"Fact: If you experience trauma or abuse, you are a victim. </p><p><br /></p><p>Opinion: The way society uses the word victim is abusive and shames or blames them - which makes proper healing impossible." </p><p>.. </p><p>"If you react negatively in any way to the idea of being a victim, you’ve proven my fact thesis that in our minds, victim is a bad thing. And that's not ok.</p><p><br /></p><p>We think victim is a dirty word because we tag a f*** ton of negative crap onto it when it should just be a benign description. </p><p><br /></p><p>My straight up, full on, unapologetic opinion and possibly newly identified fact: The language we use around the word victim and the way we use the word victim, NEEDS to change."</p><p>#sassysexystrong </p><p><a href="https://sassysexystrong.com/blog/victim-is-not-a-dirty-word"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://sassysexystrong.com/blog/victim-is-not-a-dirty-word</span></a></p><p>(Images are from this article ^) </p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"Historically, the word “victim” and “victor” have the same root origin; the prefix, vict, is Latin and means “to conquer.” Yet a rape culture that perpetuates victim-blaming has made the term more of an insult than an accurate identifier that indicates one person has endured a trauma at the hands of another person (or persons). "</p><p>.. </p><p>" In the wake of this cultural degradation, a new term has emerged. Victims are now lauded as sexual assault “survivors”; superhuman beings who have overcome their traumas and surpassed their overwhelming anguish to proudly proclaim that they’re not defined by their assaults. While I’m not in the business of telling anyone how to identify — and have even called myself a survivor on many occasions — this term doesn’t sit well with me. “Survivor” isn’t indicative of how I feel on any given day. It doesn’t accurately describe my ongoing experience as someone who was assaulted. In my opinion, it paints a misleading picture of victimhood, and healing, while silently promoting a super-human response that encourages victims to “get over” an unspeakable violation. All so that those around them can feel more comfortable when faced with the realities of such a heinous act."</p><p>#DanielleCampoamor</p><p><a href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a20138398/stop-using-survivor-to-describe-sexual-assault-victims/"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a20138398/stop-using-survivor-to-describe-sexual-assault-victims/</span></a></p><p><br /></p><p>&</p><p><br /></p><p>"What’s wrong with being a victim?</p><p><br /></p><p>Obviously, becoming a victim is undesirable. We don’t wish for bad things beyond our control to come along and interfere with our plans. But once the bad thing has happened, why are we so allergic to using the simplest, most accurate language to describe the condition of being post–bad thing?"</p><p>#kateharding</p><p><a href="https://time.com/5789032/victim-survivor-sexual-assault/"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://time.com/5789032/victim-survivor-sexual-assault/</span></a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-55550603179522086452021-10-01T22:59:00.001-07:002021-10-01T22:59:12.659-07:00Most Women In Porn Are Trafficked <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8d5IU1oMA4u7CHggudTzRP0c8RQ2FpmzLu_wUHC607IIquQ4nA6BZOHRceIsxkfrVSW0Rr8iOXrLf9FNEEVF-rbPJg_1HViOqnfYOXtEXSwnJhLA7zVVayqpplx6S0sFUyBLNM-30VNU/s1000/shutterstock_359051402.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Makemyburdenlight" border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8d5IU1oMA4u7CHggudTzRP0c8RQ2FpmzLu_wUHC607IIquQ4nA6BZOHRceIsxkfrVSW0Rr8iOXrLf9FNEEVF-rbPJg_1HViOqnfYOXtEXSwnJhLA7zVVayqpplx6S0sFUyBLNM-30VNU/w200-h200/shutterstock_359051402.jpg" title="Stop human trafficking" width="200" /></a></div><p>We already know research shows that most women in prostitution are trafficked, but how many women in pornography are trafficked? Based on these statistics it looks to be roughly at least 54-68%. Hopefully these statistics can shed more light. Sadly, many women don't know they are trafficked, and some are even groomed and brainwashed into believing they chose it, so it's incredibly hard to find statistics on something you can't always directly ask the victim about. There's no way to know if every woman in porn is consenting or forced to say they consented. Even IF it were something smaller, like say 10% of the women in porn who are trafficked, since the average amount of clicks per person on just a single porn site is 11 clicks, then that would mean every person would be viewing at least 1 woman's rape. That's still way too many. But 54-68%? 😭 <b>WATCHING FUELS THE DEMAND OF THEIR ABUSE. </b></p><p>First, in order to understand how the statistics apply we must first understand the definition of trafficking and all it entails :</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p>Department of Justice - </p><p>"The United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime defines human trafficking as any situation in which “force, coercion, abduction, fraud, deception, abuse of power or vulnerability, or giving payments or benefits to a person in control” are used to exploit another person. If any of these qualifiers are present, it’s human trafficking."</p><p>&</p><p>United Nations - </p><p>"Trafficking in persons" shall mean the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability or of the giving or receiving of payments or benefits to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of exploitation. Exploitation shall include, at a minimum, the exploitation of the prostitution of others or other forms of sexual exploitation, forced labour or services, slavery or practices similar to slavery, servitude or the removal of organs;</p><p>(b) The consent of a victim of trafficking in persons to the intended exploitation set forth in subparagraph (a) of this article shall be irrelevant where any of the means set forth in subparagraph (a) have been used;</p><p>(c) The recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of a child for the purpose of exploitation shall be considered "trafficking in persons" even if this does not involve any of the means set forth in subparagraph (a) of this article;</p><p>(d) "Child" shall mean any person under eighteen years of age.</p><p>&</p><p>"Sex trafficking is when a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud or coercion OR when the person induced to perform the act is under 18 years old. A commercial sex act means any item of value is traded for any sexual service (prostitution, pornography, or sexual performance)." <a href="https://www.ncrct.org/sex-trafficking-resources-2/">https://www.ncrct.org/sex-trafficking-resources-2/</a></p><p>"To make and sell pornography is virtually always to exploit the prostitution of another person. Pornographers are almost all third-party sellers of the prostitution of other people; few sell pornography of themselves." ..Palermo Protocol's 2000 </p><p>"Trafficking in persons" shall mean the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability or of the giving or receiving of payments or benefits to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of exploitation. Exploitation shall include... the exploitation of the prostitution of others or other forms of sexual exploitation ....</p><p>Pornography is clearly covered as sex trafficking under this definition. For pornography, women and children are recruited, transported, provided, and obtained for sex acts on account of which, typically, money is given to pornography pimps and received by lesser pimps. Then, each time the pornography is commercially exchanged, the trafficking continues as the women and children in it are transported and provided for sex, sold, and bought again. Doing all these things for the purpose of exploiting the prostitution of others-which pornography intrinsically does-makes it trafficking in persons."</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://repository.law.umich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi%3Farticle%3D1241%26context%3Dmjil&ved=2ahUKEwi1t_e-mZPyAhWoJjQIHY5xAugQFjAWegQIORAC&usg=AOvVaw2-OEibSQhZ-RCzGQlKilvU">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://repository.law.umich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi%3Farticle%3D1241%26context%3Dmjil&ved=2ahUKEwi1t_e-mZPyAhWoJjQIHY5xAugQFjAWegQIORAC&usg=AOvVaw2-OEibSQhZ-RCzGQlKilvU</a></p><p><br /></p><h2 style="text-align: left;"><u>STATISTICS</u></h2><p>"Professional porn performers who are tricked, forced, or coerced into performing a sex act on their “no” list, or having sex with a performer on their “no” list are then—by legal definition—victims of sex trafficking. </p><p>The average life expectancy of someone in commercial sexual exploitation is seven years; in other words, a 14-year-old would be dead by age 21.90 The mortality rate is 200 times higher among women being trafficked for sex than a non-exploited person of the same age. Those who were involved in the sex trafficking industry reported the severe violence to which they were subjected. In interviews with over 100 survivors of trafficking, 95.1 percent reported some form of violence or abuse including being forced to have sex, punched, beaten, kicked, threatened with a weapon, strangled, etc.9+ Many of these acts are inspired by violent pornography since 88 percent of scenes in pornographic films contain acts of physical aggression. " - The Link Between Pornography, Sex Trafficking ... Family Research Council</p><p>89% of women in the sex industry said they wanted to escape, but had no other means for survival. - Dept of Justice </p><p><a href="https://2001-2009.state.gov/r/pa/ei/rls/38790.htm">https://2001-2009.state.gov/r/pa/ei/rls/38790.htm</a></p><p>&</p><p><a href="http://cherishedla.org/faqs">http://cherishedla.org/faqs</a></p><p><br /></p><p>"The results of a Treasures client survey revealed that 75% of women who have worked in porn also report having worked in prostitution and escorting.[57]</p><p>According to the same survey, 83% of women who have worked in porn report having also worked in strip clubs."</p><p>" 70% of female trafficking victims are traffickedi nto the commercial sex industry, including porn, stripping and legal brothels."</p><p>"A Treasures client survey of women who have worked in strip clubs revealed that 65% identified as victims of sexual exploitation. [103]"</p><p>"Several of the women who said they were not exploited or “unsure” of whether they were exploited noted that they entered stripping as minors and or had pimps that coerced them into stripping. It is likely that the percentage is actually higher"</p><p>"The same survey of women who have worked in strip clubs revealed that 31% identified as victims of sex trafficking. [104]"</p><p>"In a content analysis of the 50 top selling porn movies:</p><p>88.2% showed physical aggression towards women, primarily spanking, gagging and slapping.</p><p>48.7% showed verbal aggression, primarily name calling.</p><p>The majority of perpetrators were male with 94.4% of the aggression directed towards women and girls. [52]"</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.marylandchildrensalliance.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/SEXINDUSTRYTREASURES-TRAFFICKINGSTATS_STATISTICSDownload.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjjrdG7hMjyAhU6JzQIHbnnBnUQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0YvA7uosOxzWM5_Lj5egii">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.marylandchildrensalliance.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/SEXINDUSTRYTREASURES-TRAFFICKINGSTATS_STATISTICSDownload.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjjrdG7hMjyAhU6JzQIHbnnBnUQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0YvA7uosOxzWM5_Lj5egii</a></p><p>&</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://xyonline.net/sites/xyonline.net/files/2018-04/Bridges%252C%2520Aggression%2520and%2520Sexual%2520Behavior%2520in%2520Best-Selling%2520Pornography%2520Videos%25202010.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjHoN3qvPLyAhXgGjQIHdJ1CIAQFnoECAYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw1KPN8Z06P053HMCa1Laumt">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://xyonline.net/sites/xyonline.net/files/2018-04/Bridges%252C%2520Aggression%2520and%2520Sexual%2520Behavior%2520in%2520Best-Selling%2520Pornography%2520Videos%25202010.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjHoN3qvPLyAhXgGjQIHdJ1CIAQFnoECAYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw1KPN8Z06P053HMCa1Laumt</a></p><p><br /></p><p>"90% of prostituted women interviewed by WHISPER had pimps while in prostitution (Evelina Giobbe, 1987, WHISPER Oral History Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota).</p><p>62% reported having been raped in prostitution. 73% reported having experienced physical assault in prostitution. 72% were currently or formerly homeless. 92% stated that they wanted to escape prostitution immediately. (Melissa Farley, Isin Baral, Merab Kiremire, Ufuk Sezgin, "Prostitution in Five Countries: Violence and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder" <a href="http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prostitution/prostitutionfacts.html">http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prostitution/prostitutionfacts.html</a></p><p>"A study [91] revealed that the women working in strip clubs experience the following:</p><p>Physical assault (i.e. kicked, bitten, slapped and spit on): 100%</p><p>Attempted vaginal penetration with fingers: 61%</p><p>Attempted vaginal penetration with objects such as</p><p>bottles or cell phones: 33%</p><p>Attempted rape: 17%</p><p>Verbal threats: 44%"</p><p><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3508959/">https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3508959/</a></p><p>&</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.marylandchildrensalliance.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/SEXINDUSTRYTREASURES-TRAFFICKINGSTATS_STATISTICSDownload.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwj90fWPt_LyAhU6JTQIHb8LB90QFnoECAYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0YvA7uosOxzWM5_Lj5egii">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.marylandchildrensalliance.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/SEXINDUSTRYTREASURES-TRAFFICKINGSTATS_STATISTICSDownload.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwj90fWPt_LyAhU6JTQIHb8LB90QFnoECAYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0YvA7uosOxzWM5_Lj5egii</a></p><p><br /></p><p>85% of aggression was present in pornographic scenes by male directors :</p><p><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230165226_A_Comparison_of_Male_and_Female_Directors_in_Popular_Pornography_What_Happens_when_Women_are_at_the_Helm">https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230165226_A_Comparison_of_Male_and_Female_Directors_in_Popular_Pornography_What_Happens_when_Women_are_at_the_Helm</a></p><p><br /></p><p>"Physical aggression was present in 73 percent of the films, and rape scenes were present in 51 percent, with the woman as the victim every time." - Marripedia quoting this study: <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/229491094_Dominance_and_Inequality_in_X-Rated_Videocassettes">https://www.researchgate.net/publication/229491094_Dominance_and_Inequality_in_X-Rated_Videocassettes</a></p><p>Strip clubs:</p><p>" The most prevalent form of violence reported by participants while at work was sexual assault, with</p><p>84% (n=27) reporting they had experienced unwanted groping, rape, forced or coerced unwanted sexual acts. The next most common forms of abuse reported by participants while at work included verbal abuse 63% (n=20) meaning any name calling, threats, criticizing or aggressive outbursts, harassment 59% (n=19) including stalking, intimidation, and racial discrimination, and physical assault 53% (n=17) involving hitting, slapping, witnessing a homicide, and being hit by objects. The most infrequent form of violence reported at work by participants was financial abuse with only 34% (n=11) reporting they had experienced someone else having control of their money or belongings and using it against them. One participant reported experiencing “other” form of violence, which they identified as “grooming”. This response was followed up in an interview that will be discussed further."</p><p><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/335005848_Exotic_Dancers_Experiences_with_Occupational_Violence_in_Portland_Oregon_Strip_Clubs">https://www.researchgate.net/publication/335005848_Exotic_Dancers_Experiences_with_Occupational_Violence_in_Portland_Oregon_Strip_Clubs</a></p><p><br /></p><p>Other interesting studies:</p><p>Thoroughly disputing the Fisher & Grenier study which claimed pornography didn't lead to aggression, and why pornography does in fact lead to aggression and sexist attitudes towards women :</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/comm/malamuth/pdf/00arsr11.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjP3qiY9pPyAhXCHjQIHekMAawQFjAbegUIkwEQAg&usg=AOvVaw2nYfnAy-SPmQtv3v9lzp-x">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/comm/malamuth/pdf/00arsr11.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjP3qiY9pPyAhXCHjQIHekMAawQFjAbegUIkwEQAg&usg=AOvVaw2nYfnAy-SPmQtv3v9lzp-x</a></p><p><br /></p><p>".. Just as throwing money at victims of sexual abuse does not make it a job, taking pictures of it does not make it freely chosen or desired.' It makes it pictures of paid rape-rape in the real, if regrettably seldom in the legal, sense.</p><p>.. the distinction between forced prostitution and "voluntary" prostitution2' has similar dimensions of unreality. The point of the distinction is to hive off a narrow definition of force in order to define as voluntary the conditions of sex inequality, abuse, and destitution that put most women in the sex industry and keeps them there. By the same token, to analyze so-called voluntary prostitution as "work" and trafficing/forced prostitution as "crime'' is, among other things, to decide that there is a class of women to whom human rights laws against sexual harassment at work-and other laws inconsistent with the realities of force inherent in being prostituted -will not apply. If this is work, what can it mean to prohibit sexual harassment at work when the sexual harassment is the work? This is a form of sex/violence distinction, two things that this industry of sexual violation makes into one thing."</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://repository.law.umich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi%3Farticle%3D1241%26context%3Dmjil&ved=2ahUKEwi1t_e-mZPyAhWoJjQIHY5xAugQFjAWegQIORAC&usg=AOvVaw2-OEibSQhZ-RCzGQlKilvU">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://repository.law.umich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi%3Farticle%3D1241%26context%3Dmjil&ved=2ahUKEwi1t_e-mZPyAhWoJjQIHY5xAugQFjAWegQIORAC&usg=AOvVaw2-OEibSQhZ-RCzGQlKilvU</a></p><p><br /></p><p>" 70% of underage trafficking victims say pornography was made of them, and 63% of underage sex trafficking victims are advertised or sold online.." </p><p><a href="https://www.catalystministries.net/blog/2017/11/27/an-inseparable-tie-pornography-and-sex-trafficking">https://www.catalystministries.net/blog/2017/11/27/an-inseparable-tie-pornography-and-sex-trafficking</a></p><p>Legal reasons why pornography can be tried as trafficking :</p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi%3Farticle%3D1244%26context%3Dnulr_online&ved=2ahUKEwi1t_e-mZPyAhWoJjQIHY5xAugQFjAQegUIkAEQAg&usg=AOvVaw0sSO5BGHk2XVupoxcErF3B">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi%3Farticle%3D1244%26context%3Dnulr_online&ved=2ahUKEwi1t_e-mZPyAhWoJjQIHY5xAugQFjAQegUIkAEQAg&usg=AOvVaw0sSO5BGHk2XVupoxcErF3B</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-27657840191912895592021-09-20T14:22:00.003-07:002023-02-05T01:47:16.633-07:00Is Being Pressured Into Sex Considered Rape? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKo0GbiTkN2AKBUKWKaOUCg6aRfj0T9EA4ohdStKSO7je_w5IJ40Wa3WVAuHGo4Z_whI178taHEABsz3RnhMIOypRg29P36iQp9RI0zyxZ-5vvfcDXCj_M-f9wtbcevLjg1OA7Y_Ulz64/s300/sad-woman-and+worried-man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Makemyburdenlight.com" border="0" data-original-height="199" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKo0GbiTkN2AKBUKWKaOUCg6aRfj0T9EA4ohdStKSO7je_w5IJ40Wa3WVAuHGo4Z_whI178taHEABsz3RnhMIOypRg29P36iQp9RI0zyxZ-5vvfcDXCj_M-f9wtbcevLjg1OA7Y_Ulz64/s16000/sad-woman-and+worried-man.jpg" title="What is rape?" /></a></div><h1 style="text-align: left;">What is Rape & Sexual Assault? </h1><p>Everyone PLEASE read this. You may think you know what rape and sexual assault means, but the reality is the majority of people in this world don't fully understand what it is. Sex is only supposed to be between any consenting adults who WANT to have sex, and feel SAFE enough to have sex. That's it. If either of those aren't on the table, then sex shouldn't happen. </p><p>First let's have a refresher on what consent is in order to understand what sexual violence entails. The definition of consent often gets misunderstood because people assume that if you go along with something without a fight, or don't say the word "no", then it's consent, which isn't true. I used to think rape was a person forcing themselves on another person while they were kicking and screaming and saying no, but it's much more than that. <span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Here's the dictionary definition of "Consent" :</p><p></p><blockquote>"Compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another specifically: the voluntary agreement or acquiescence by a person of age or with requisite mental capacity who is not under duress or coercion and usually who has knowledge or understanding" </blockquote><p></p><p>** Notice the "who is not under duress or coercion and usually has a full knowledge or understanding". If you're being pressured into sexual acts because you're afraid of the backlash that happens, or if you're so confused by the constant pressure and being worn down that you just end up feeling like "fine, whatever, just get it over with so I don't have to deal with the confusion and exhaustion", etc that is NOT consent. </p><p>Department of Justice definition of Rape :</p><p></p><blockquote>“The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” </blockquote><p></p><p> ** Notice how nowhere in the definition does it say "force" is a requirement. </p><p>Now onto the CDC definition of Sexual Violence. I'm not listing the entire quote below because it's really long. But you can see it for yourself on the website :</p><p></p><blockquote><p>"Sexual violence is defined as a sexual act committed against someone without that person’s freely given consent. Sexual violence is divided into the following types:</p><p> " * Non-physically forced penetration which occurs after a person is pressured verbally or through intimidation or misuse of authority to consent or acquiesce</p><p> * Unwanted sexual contact</p><p> * Non-contact unwanted sexual experiences</p><p>Nonphysically forced penetration - which occurs after a person is pressured verbally, or through intimidation or misuse of authority, to consent or submit to being penetrated - examples include being worn down by someone who repeatedly asked for sex or showed they were unhappy; feeling pressured by being lied to, or being told promises that were untrue; having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors; and sexual pressure by use of influence or authority.</p><p>Unwanted sexual contact – intentional touching, either directly or through the clothing, of the genitalia, anus, groin, breast, inner thigh, or buttocks of any person without his or her consent, or of a person who is unable to consent or refuse. Unwanted sexual contact can be perpetrated against a person or by making a person touch the perpetrator. Unwanted sexual contact could be referred to as “sexual harassment” in some contexts, such as a school or workplace.</p><p>Noncontact unwanted sexual experiences - does not include physical contact of a sexual nature between the perpetrator and the victim. This occurs against a person without his or her consent, or against a person who is unable to consent or refuse. Some acts of non-contact unwanted sexual experiences occur without the victim’s knowledge. This type of sexual violence can occur in many different settings, such as school, the workplace, in public, or through technology. Examples include unwanted exposure to pornography or verbal sexual harassment (e.g., making sexual comments)."</p></blockquote><p></p><p><a href="http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/definitions.html" target="_blank">http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/definitions.html</a></p><p><br /></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">What about RAPE BY DECEPTION? </h2><p>While not technically illegal yet (though, neither was rape of a spouse until the early 90's, yet that doesn't mean all the times before weren't rape), it's still wrong, and it's still rape because no consent is given.</p><p>Rape by deception happens when our spouses cheat on us (through porn or in person), lie to us about it, and then continue having sex with us knowing full well that we wouldn't want to have sex if we knew the truth. And I just noticed that the description of Rape By Deception also goes along with the CDC's definition of sexual violence when it states "feeling pressured by being lied to, or being told promises that were untrue".</p><p> I love this article 💗 :</p><p></p><blockquote>"When people lie to obtain money, we call it theft. When they lie to enter private property, we call it trespass. When they lie to obtain sex . . . we have no idea what to call it. Some call it lawful seduction. Others call it criminal rape. An Israeli court recently aligned itself with the latter camp when it convicted an Arab man of rape-by-deception for falsely claiming that he was a Jewish bachelor in order to have sex with a Jewish woman. So too did a Scottish court when it convicted a transgendered man of “sexual intimacy by fraud” for failing to reveal his gender history to his girlfriend. In contrast, a grand jury in New Jersey sided with those who call lying to obtain sex an act of lawful seduction when it refused to indict a man for sexual assault for having sex with his fiancée after lying about his nationality, profession, and marital status. In response, New Jersey Assemblyman Troy Singleton sought to amend the state’s rape laws to include a crime of sex obtained by fraud or deception. Assemblyman Singleton challenged those who opposed the bill to ask themselves: should the law “afford less legal protection to a person’s body than it does to that person’s property?” After all, he asked, “if it is a crime to deceive individuals out of their property, how can it be lawful to deceive them out of their bodies?”</blockquote><p></p><p><a href="https://ylpr.yale.edu/solving-riddle-rape-deception">https://ylpr.yale.edu/solving-riddle-rape-deception</a></p><p>&</p><p><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201712/rape-deception?amp">https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201712/rape-deception?amp</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-65212810090673611052021-05-05T13:10:00.011-07:002021-09-07T09:39:50.727-07:00Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg69BtJcyaSWoV0GCRZ326XzJhhX5kL8KQ9zfaQueMeBYJ2cQlla2jd491vuMw9hfW5QJRaU8tha2JhrrnjbycYmyGNevYoyPO01i9m3Q_v5INsF2CmHyxqjM8FbnZRItdnGnuhZ70rPP4/s1080/Screenshot_20210505-122108_PicsArt.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Victim Blaming" border="0" data-original-height="1068" data-original-width="1080" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg69BtJcyaSWoV0GCRZ326XzJhhX5kL8KQ9zfaQueMeBYJ2cQlla2jd491vuMw9hfW5QJRaU8tha2JhrrnjbycYmyGNevYoyPO01i9m3Q_v5INsF2CmHyxqjM8FbnZRItdnGnuhZ70rPP4/w320-h316/Screenshot_20210505-122108_PicsArt.jpg" title="Spot the red flag" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>I can't count the many times I've heard women say "I ignored the red flags", or "I painted the red flags green", or have heard the question "Why do abused women ignore the red flags in the beginning?". Maybe some women really do ignore red flags, I'm not implying it's not possible. But do the majority of us actually ignore red flags? Is that why a woman ended up with an abuser!?</p><p>I don't believe so, because many times there really AREN'T red flags. We may look back and think they look like red flags, but were they actual red flags at the time? Let's take a look at what it means to "ignore a red flag" :</p><p>Ignore - </p><p><i>"to</i><i> intentionally not listen or give attention to; </i><i>refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionallyn; </i><i>pretend not to notice someone or something; r</i><i>efrain from noticing or recognizing" </i></p><p>Pretend - </p><p><i>to claim, represent, or assert falsely; to make believe</i></p><p>Red Flag - </p><p><i>Warning of danger; w</i><i>arning or indicator, suggesting that there is a potential problem or threat; </i><i>something that indicates or draws attention to a problem, danger, or irregularity</i></p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>For example, my husband knew I was a recovering addict before he married me. He knew my problems. He knew about my past cheating, porn, lying, gaslighting, etc. Could those have been labeled as red flags that he ignored? I don't think so, because as far as he knew, I was sober. And I was, and still am. </p><p>But what if I chose to lie about being sober back then, or I choose now to relapse in my addictions and cheat on him? Someone could easily tell him "Well, she DID tell you she was an addict and a cheater, so why did you ignore those red flags?" etc. But was there any actual red flags back then? Nope. </p><p>Many times I don't think alot of the "red flags" people talk about are legit red flags. I think they just LOOK like it in hindsight. Back then, women assumed their partners were healthy functioning adults (because thats how they presented themselves when they entered the relationship). And in a healthy adult, many things aren't red flags. If someone takes their phone into the bathroom, or extra long showers, or stays at work late, or has a really stressful day and is impatient, etc - would we call those red flags if a healthy adult did them? No. So why do alot of things from a womans past suddenly become "red flags she ignored" simply because she found out in the future that a person lied to her? Yes, she can see current red flags now that she knows the TRUTH, and all those things listed could be current red flags of an abuser because she knows the truth. But I don't think knowing the truth suddenly makes the things in the past automatic red flags (and by then the abuser "chopped off" her legs, which makes walking away a tad more difficult, eh?). </p><p>Calling things from the past a red flag implies that it's something that COULD have been seen and noticed. Therfefore also implying the victim ignored something she should/could have seen. And if she ignored something she should/could have seen, then that is also putting blame on her for ignoring it (Ex. If we ignore looking at the traffic lights when going through an intersection, and we get into an accident, who's fault is it?). And I don't think that's accurate or fair - if a woman didn't know it even existed, how could she have ignored it? If we can't consent to something we didn't know, how could we ignore something we didn't know? If you legit didn't hear what I said, would it be accurate to say that <i>you</i> ignored me? The wording we use to describe things has a huge effect on how we see things, and how others see us. </p><p>Again, I'm not saying NO ONE ignores red flags. It definitely happens. For example, if you tell a woman that a man is a CONVICTED child molester and she dates him anyway, then yes, I'd certainly be more inclined to say she ignored that neon flashing red flag 😊 But if he never told her he was a child molester, can we say that she ignored red flags every time he was super nice and interactive with children, even though many healthy adults are also nice and interactive with children? No, I wouldnt say that is a "red flag" she ignored.💗</p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span><br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-40272846333632220802021-05-05T11:56:00.039-07:002024-02-28T05:29:29.756-07:00Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency <p> Who here wants a new name for codependency? Oh right, no one. "Prodependency" is another victim blaming term, made up by sex addiction therapist Dr. Robert Weiss. Besides all the other issues I have with Rob Weiss (like the fact he believes porn is healthy for some people and publicly locked Gail Dines and anti porn activists for being TOO anti porn🙄), the problem with Prodependency is that it's basically the same as codependency, minus a few beliefs, and then stealthily rebranded in a shiny new package. Let's break down 1 book, 8 videos, more articles and research papers than I could count, all in just one post. </p><p>What does Rob Weiss say that prodependency IS? :<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Prodependence means,<i> "Attachment relationships that are healthfully interdependent, where one person’s strengths support the vulnerabilities of the other and vice versa, with this mutual support occurring automatically and without question."</i></p><p>&</p><p>Prodependency <i>"views loved ones of addicts as heroes for continuing to love and continuing to remain attached despite the debilitating presence of addiction." </i></p><p>&</p><p>Prodependency <i>"asserts that loving addicts or other chronically troubled people healthfully requires a different form of love than that with healthy adults."</i></p><p>&</p><p>Prodependency is <i>"without blaming, judging, or pathologizing, instead offering empathy, concern, boundaries, comfort, and direction." </i></p><p>&</p><p>Prodependency means <i>"not addicted to people" - </i>Rob Weiss, Family Recovery Solution </p><p>&</p><p>Prodependency <i>"is not a label" - </i>Rob Weiss, IITAP symposium</p><p><br /></p><p>👆 Sounds great so far, right? No huge red flags.. until you dig further into prodependency and see the alarming contradictions/myths, per numbers 1-6 below. These are direct quotes from Rob Weiss in reference to "prodependence" :</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk5ji6_YYUwZPxLEdIQo-3-Uu6MtlKzKqqyFz_eiW7G3RX1cIk1GjofmiT8BgMntUmBDAMPBtsOnYdqb34-n-vbvIXd83FaFoS-VMLOUrSJwj-Xwx2xcVwHg4K22gpzi1oGcBJz5fMFXs/s275/images+%252823%2529.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Victim Blaming" border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk5ji6_YYUwZPxLEdIQo-3-Uu6MtlKzKqqyFz_eiW7G3RX1cIk1GjofmiT8BgMntUmBDAMPBtsOnYdqb34-n-vbvIXd83FaFoS-VMLOUrSJwj-Xwx2xcVwHg4K22gpzi1oGcBJz5fMFXs/s16000/images+%252823%2529.jpeg" title="Prodependency" /></a></div><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"># 1.Co-addicted. You are addicted to your addict partners….. addiction? 👇👇👇</h3><p><i>"..the word codependency came from a word that Claudia Black named in the 70s, which I really liked and thought that was great, and the idea was Co-addiction. Because where I think codependency goes wrong is it doesn't say "I'm obsessed and addicted with my husband's drinking problem, I can't get the drinking off my mind". That's Co addiction. Where I feel just driven and focused on their problem, and I can buy that"</i> - YouTube</p><p><i>"I don't stick by you as an [co-]addict because there's something wrong with me. I may stick by you as an [co-]addict because I learned how to stick by people in my childhood and so I know how to do it, but that's not pathology." </i>- YouTube </p><p><i>"I think certainly Al-Anon is a wonderful program. And Al-Anon, by the way, never implied that you were addicted to your husband or wife, it always said you were addicted to the obsession of their drinking. So Al-Anon got it right from the beginning." - </i>Gateway Foundation webinar</p><p><br /></p><p>👆 Claudia Black confirmed in an email she did NOT create the label "Co-addict". Also, Robs description of Co-addiction is not entirely accurate, Co-addiction and codependency mean the same thing and come from the same place. And calling a betrayed partner an "addict" (especially saying she's "addicted" to her partners addiction) for any reason IS pathologizing the victim, which puts blame on the victim. </p><p>FYI, Al-Anon thought wives were just as mentally ill as the addict:</p><p><i>"1940s- Early 1950s - Wives of alcoholics are increasingly depicted in the professional alcoholism literature as having chosen alcoholics in order to meet their own dependency needs.."</i> - Bibliography for Studies of the Family Impact of Alcoholism, Al-anon</p><p>&</p><p><i>"Since the middle 1970's, psychosocial theories in alcoholism have advanced the idea of co-alcoholism which views spousal behavior as enabling or supporting of alcoholic patterns in mates. In a pamphlet distributed by the National Council on Alcoholism in 1973, Ruth Fox describes the wife's personality disturbance as being 'even more serious than her alcoholic husband's'."</i> - The Wife of the Alcoholic, by Decker, Redhorse, Green, Starrett.) </p><p><br /></p><p>*See my victim blaming post #1 <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Codependency</span></a>. All things regarding co-addiction apply to codependency as well. </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"># 2. Congratulations, you are just as dysfunctional and emotionally challenged as your addicted partner👍 👇👇👇</h3><p><i>"There's an idea in Psychology that we are probably going to be attracted to people who have emotional challenges similar to ours, I think that's true. And I wrote the last chapter of "Prodependence" called 2's don't marry 7's [*8's].“</i> - Rob on YouTube w/ AB&E</p><p><i> “And the reason I named it that is because a lot of people will say 'Oh, well she's just going to end up with someone just like him… if she leaves him and doesn't work on herself.'. And you know, the thing is, that's true for all of us. We are all going to run into people who are at a similar level of our emotional processing and functioning, and that is who we are going to be attracted to."</i> Rob on YouTube w/ Susskind</p><p><i>"As we do with physical appearance, we can also give ourselves and others an emotional rating of one to ten. And once again we can state, rather unequivocally, that twos don’t tend to partner with eights." - </i>Robs book Prodependence </p><p><i>"..we find people we can relate to and feel comfortable with, people whose dysfunction mirrors or meshes with our own.... As long as we are “close enough” on the one to ten scale of emotional wellness, we are right for one another." -</i> "Prodependence"</p><p><br /></p><p>👆 Out of curiosity I did a poll and asked betrayed partners of addicts to rate their own emotional intelligence on a scale from 1-10, and asked if their numbers matched that of the addicts emotional intelligence (*give or take one number above or below). 98% of betrayed partners said their emotional intelligence did NOT match that of the addict. </p><p>But how could this be? According to Rob Weiss this doesn't happen. Which confirms my theory : How can a woman be just as messed up as the sex addict partner when she didn't know he was dysfunctional to begin with? Most of us thought our partners were healthy and honest. We thought they'd love and respect us. We thought they'd treat us the way we treated them. Like I said in my anti <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Trauma Bonding</span></a> post, it's more likely that the odds of finding honest men are against ALL women. It's not a woman's fault the addict partner lied and exploited her trust. </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"># 3. Partners of addicts have childhood trauma, and they facilitate and perpetuate the addicts addiction…… but SHHH, we just don't tell them that yet 🤫 👇👇👇</h3><p>**Note:Perpetuate - Dictionary Definition - cause to last indefinitely ; prolong existence of ; make continue </p><p>Facilitate - Dictionary Definition - to make something possible or easier ; to help cause something**</p><p><br /></p><p><i>"The primary shortcoming of the codependence model is that it suggests loved ones of addicts are re-enacting unresolved early-life trauma by partnering with or raising an addict. In my experience, that may or may not be the case. Either way, telling these individuals early in the treatment process that they are damaged by trauma and that’s why they’re partnered with an addict and behaving in ways that are enabling (maybe even causing) the addiction is usually not something they’re ready to hear or process—even if it’s all completely true.</i>" - Interview w/ Partner Hope </p><p><i>" Yes, loved ones of addicts are part of the system that perpetuates the addiction, but telling them that too early in the healing process causes them to feel blamed and shamed, greatly increasing the likelihood that they will turn away from much-needed assistance." - </i>Prodependence</p><p><i>".. caregiving loved ones might (and occasionally do), as a way of keeping the relationship intact, behave in ways that enable and perpetuate the addiction." </i>- "Prodependence" </p><p><i>"Even when caregiving loved ones have been “doing it all wrong,” experience has taught me that it’s usually not a good idea to tell them that or to blame them in any way for facilitating and perpetuating someone else’s dysfunction" -</i> "Prodependence" </p><p><i>"Basically, loved ones of addicts are told that their efforts to help are counterproductive and facilitating (maybe even escalating) the problem. And that might in fact be the case." -</i> "Prodependence" </p><p><i>"Living in the extremes—doing too much too often or detaching completely and forcing the addict to struggle without assistance—is not healthy for anyone. Living in one or the other of these extremes perpetuates the addiction, along with insecure attachment, family dysfunction, and an unhappy life."</i> - "Prodependence"</p><p><i>"[Loved ones] are for the most part not ready to look at their deeper personal issues, nor are they able to usefully reflect upon the possibility that these issues might be a contributing factor to the overall problem." -</i> "Prodependence" </p><p><i>"It's not unusual for people in crisis of any kind to regress into earlier states and ways that they were acting when they were growing up, ways they were acting when they were experiencing earlier trauma. So when I am dealing with a partner, spouse, or parent of an active addict, and I see them doing crazy things, is that evidence of their past trauma? Probably. Is that a sample of what they grew up with? And could that be something they might work on? Sure. But.. what I say in Prodependence is, it's about timing.. If you are in a crisis, it is not the time to work on your trauma history….Get them through the crisis of the addiction. Meaning that their partner is now sober, or they are no longer in a relationship to that person." </i>- YouTube w/ Susskind</p><p><i>"But digging deeper into a caregiving loved one’s history in the early stages of healing is counterproductive. Caregivers don’t respond to this because they’re not ready to hear about it or deal with it. That’s just not where they are." -</i> "Prodependence"</p><p><i>"They [caregivers] may be doing this in unhelpful ways because that’s what their early life family dysfunction and trauma taught them to do, but they’re still trying. And telling them they’re traumatized and damaged and making bad decisions and entering bad relationships and staying in bad relationships because they’re messed up by trauma does not help them or give them a sense of hope." -</i> "Prodependence"</p><p><i>" I don't think anyone stays with someone to act out the trauma from the childhood, I just don't. I think they may end up acting out the trauma from their childhood because of the nature of what's going on in the relationship. But that's not why they're there."</i> - YouTube w/ Susskind</p><p><br /></p><p>👆"Even if it's all completely true"!!!! 😳😲🤣 WTF? I don't know about any of you, but I personally prefer to seek treatment from someone who KNOWS it's not my fault. Who <i>knows</i> I'm not a part of the problem. Not someone who believes I AM part of the problem, but thinks I'm just not ready to "hear it yet"🤦🤦🤦. Can you imagine a rape victim getting help from someone with this mentality "Oh dear, yes the clothes you wore definitely attracted the rapist, but don't worry, I'm just not going to tell you that until you're ready to hear it"... 😳</p><p>Victims need someone to BELIEVE them first; then they need validation and encouragement for how they feel. </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"># 4. Women, get your crap together so you stop harming and imprisoning your addict partners!! Their sobriety depends on YOU! 👇👇👇</h3><p><i>“Her lack of boundaries and attempts to manage her husband and his alcoholism were a far cry from the healthy, prodependent interaction that he (and she) needed. In time, her “protection” became a prison in which she and her husband were confined." </i>- "Prodependence"</p><p><i>"At the same time, loved ones can work to improve the ways in which they relate to, connect with, and care for the addict. To this end, they must learn to care for themselves as well as the addict, and to set and maintain better boundaries.“ -</i> "Prodependence"</p><p><i>“.. caregivers need to consistently be safe people for this to occur, and in the early stages of a family’s healing, it’s likely that they’re not—usually because they lack the necessary boundaries“. -</i> "Prodependence" </p><p><i>"In my opinion, caregiving loved ones should be coached to continue caregiving, to continue fighting to stay attached. Because with addicts, healthy attachment is a key facet of recovery." -</i> "Prodependence"</p><p><i>"Facing the dragon alone just doesn’t work very well….addicts turn to addictive substances and behaviors because they’ve been taught that others either cannot or will not support them in healthy ways. A loved one detaching from them when they need that person the most does nothing to counter this self- destructive, addiction-driving belief." -</i> "Prodependence" </p><p><i>" When an addict finally learns that he or she can trust loved ones to be there in healthy and supportive ways, the addict has a secure base that he or she can turn to in the chaos. And that makes staying sober much easier. It also makes uncovering, processing, and healing from the early life traumas that underlie the addiction (because they’ve poisoned the well of attachment) considerably easier, though that process can still be incredibly difficult." - </i>"Prodependence"</p><p><i>"And on some level, codependency's strong emphasis on detachment and self-actualization, even at the expense of the relationship, I think was wrong. I think if you're not being physically abused, and you're not being mentally abused, and this person is trying to get better, then you probably picked them for the right reasons, and you have every reason in the world to stay."</i> - YouTube w/ Susskind</p><p><i>“Enmeshment and control are not good for the addict or the family, but neither is detaching with love and just plain walking away“ -</i>"Prodependence"</p><p><i>“Is this a situation where the best thing would be to do more and not less? Despite everyone’s desire to see the addict assume responsibility for himself or herself, could this be a situation where more of you (as a caregiver) is needed? Could it be time to hold steady on the reins and not let go?“ -</i> "Prodependence"</p><p><br /></p><p>👆 This is called "Addict Centricity", where everything revolves around helping the addict or saving the relationship, even the betrayed partners treatment, instead of being about the safety of the betrayed victim. </p><p>Why is the focus not on helping the injured victim stay safe? Rob Weiss really wants victims to put MORE into the addict? The addict who is lying, exploiting, gaslighting, abusing, etc?? And yes, 99% of partners of sex addicts have been abused in some way by the addict partner, yet Rob wants victims to help the addict abuser? </p><p>Plus, when has love and support EVER changed an addict? There's gotta be some addict out there for whom this has worked, for this belief to stay alive after centuries. WHO ARE YOU!? WHERE ARE YOU HIDING!?!?!?!? </p><p>If love and support helped addicts get sober, then the majority of the betrayed victims I've come across would have addict partners in recovery. I've never met such loving and understanding women in my life. Sadly, all the love in the world DIDN'T WORK. The truth is addicts don't change "until the fear of the problem becomes greater than the fear of the solution". Addicts change through pain and loss, not love. </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"># 5. Who in their right mind would want to be called their partner's caregiver!?!?🤦♀️👇</h3><p>Dictionary Definition of Caregiver : "a family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person.; A person who gives care to people who need help taking care of themselves." </p><p>Our addicted partners aren't disabled. They aren't sick. It's not like some of them wake up and are like, "Oh my, I am just so ill, I can't help but put my penis inside of another woman" 🙄. While yes, I do believe sex addicts have a brain disease, it's however a <u>self inflicted</u> disease caused by their CHOICES, not the reverse. The damages they are causing to their brain isn't "making" them cheat, lie, abuse, etc. That's ridiculous. They CAN choose to get treatment if they want to. If we as a society keep treating addicts like wounded birds who can't help acting out or do anything for themselves, they will continue to believe they can't do anything for themselves. </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"># 6. Interesting random contradictions 👇</h3><p>Statements by Rob Weiss:</p><p><br /></p><p><i></i></p><blockquote><i>" I don't think anyone is ever prodependent. It is not a label….. " </i></blockquote><p></p><p>&</p><p></p><blockquote><i>" Do we then need to turn around and give them a bad label?" </i></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Contradiction: </p><p><br /></p><p><i>"That's the craziness of someone you might call codependent. I would call them Prodependent."</i></p><p><br /></p><p>👆 I thought it wasn't a label? 🤔 </p><p><br /></p><p>*</p><p>Statements by Rob Weiss:</p><p><br /></p><p>[With Prodependency]<i></i></p><blockquote><i> "There are no long looks into anyone’s past…</i></blockquote><p></p><p></p><blockquote><p><i>There is no mention of dysfunction or problems…</i></p><p><i>There is no mention of Michelle [caregiver] being “part of the problem.”</i></p><p></p></blockquote><p>&</p><p><i></i></p><blockquote><p><i>"..therapists [using prodependency] should avoid attempts to: </i></p><p><i>•Look at the client’s role in the addiction and the family’s problems. </i></p><p><i>•Explore the client’s childhood and family history. </i></p><p><i>•Diagnose the client (as codependent, bipolar, borderline, or anything else) as a way of explaining the client’s distress.</i></p></blockquote><p><i></i></p><p><br /></p><p>Contradiction :</p><p><br /></p><p>Everything stated in #3 above </p><p>&</p><p><i>"..prodependent treatment for loved ones of addicts goes as follows: </i></p><p><i>•Assess for any genuine pathology (depression, anxiety, PTSD, mood disorders, and the like). </i></p><p><i>•If, over time, the client seeks deeper understanding of his or her trauma history, that door can be opened, but only after the crisis stage has passed and the client’s life is stabilized."</i></p><p><br /></p><p>👆 Wait? I thought Rob said there would be NO diagnosing!?!? 😜</p><p><br /></p><p>*</p><p><br /></p><p>Statements by Rob Weiss:</p><p><br /></p><p><i></i></p><blockquote><i>" Codependence tells loved ones they’re traumatized and damaged and driving the dysfunction in their family"</i></blockquote><p></p><p>&</p><p></p><blockquote><i>"Codependency is a trauma-based theory of human relationships, which by definition says that 'if I partner with an addict it's because there's something wrong with me'. It says 'if I'm going to attach to a broken person because of my childhood issues, I'm always going to join with someone that will let me down and hurt me, and that repeats my childhood issues as it is'."</i></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Contradiction : </p><p><br /></p><p>Again, everything I stated in #3 above. </p><p>*</p><p><br /></p><p>Statement by Rob Weiss: </p><p><br /></p><p><i></i></p><blockquote><i>"Codependence, as a deficit- based trauma model, views loved ones of addicts as traumatized, damaged, and needing help" </i></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Contradiction :</p><p><br /></p><p><i>"..her highly recommended therapist offers a bit of emotional support, and then does what she’s been taught to do, which is to turn to a disease model for treating loved ones of addicts (codependence) that mirrors the disease model used to treat addicts."</i></p><p><br /></p><p> 👆 First, notice how he says a "Deficit-based trauma model", which confirms he believes victims have a deficit that causes them to be traumatized. Furthermore, Rob Weiss says codependency is a "Trauma Based Model" all the time. However, Codependency is NOT a trauma based model. Codependency is a DISEASE deficit based model. The cause is internal. Even earlier recognitions of some type of "trauma" within codependency (1900's-1970's) were still based in the belief that partners had a mental illness that drove their behaviors. </p><p>TRUTH: The trauma model is the belief that something happened to you that wasn't your fault, and now you're injured and acting normally to an abnormal situation . The cause is external, not internal. There's zero victim blaming in the trauma model. If there's any victims blaming, it's automatically NOT the trauma model. But sadly very little therapists are actually trauma informed, and they love to claim they are (and sadly the CSAT training lies and tells them they are, when in fact it's teaching them victim blaming crap). </p><p>Rob Weiss's "Prodependence" clearly is NOT a trauma model. It's just gaslighting bullsh**. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUdzFvuG-KbIWrDWPbQ56rGkTUp-UmHDhsPxL_TGo4E2N5Jf1h949RCVp801dPm-2It_DP78JSuM_zKljnIc9gEhTLwSxrT0sx098f3qLcSTlfXfLJgaT_LEs4WUNrK3_6Q-2tbiBwtH4/s1200/cheshirecat.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUdzFvuG-KbIWrDWPbQ56rGkTUp-UmHDhsPxL_TGo4E2N5Jf1h949RCVp801dPm-2It_DP78JSuM_zKljnIc9gEhTLwSxrT0sx098f3qLcSTlfXfLJgaT_LEs4WUNrK3_6Q-2tbiBwtH4/w426-h640/cheshirecat.png" width="426" /></a></div><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span>
<br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br />
<span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span><!--/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_bodytext_210505_134010_199.sdocx--></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-39110149708848693002021-05-05T11:29:00.021-07:002023-12-09T19:59:14.595-07:00Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded<p> The term "Trauma Bond" is just as victim blaming as <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1">codependency</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1">reactive abuse</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">stockholm syndrome</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">learned helplessness</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1">Drama Triangle</a>,</span> etc, and just as dangerous for abuse victims. To be clear, I'm <i>not</i> referring to the bond that happens between two victims sharing their trauma together, ex. bonding after natural disasters, victims in support groups, etc. That definitely happens and is a good thing. I've met the best of friends through the journey of healing trauma from abuse. I'm officially referring to the term "Trauma Bond"</p><p>"Trauma bonding" was coined by Dr Patrick Carnes, (The same guy who states parents are naturally sexually attracted to their own children 🤯😳🤮 To learn more, go <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/06/why-carnescsat-empire-is-victim-blaming.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">HERE</span></a> ), and promoted by his daughter Stefanie Carnes who has taken over his empire. According to Carnes, "Trauma Bonding" essentially means that :</p><p>1. Victims don't leave abusive relationships because victims are compulsively SEEKING to be abused. </p><p>2. Victims are addicted to trauma. </p><p>3. Victims are addicted to being abused and are also abusers themselves. </p><p>4. Victims are just as messed up as the abuser. </p><p>5. Victims are "Codependent" </p><p>6. Victims end up being abused because they are just acting out past childhood traumas. </p><p>7. Victims are in the Drama Triangle (The Drama Triangle means someone isn't really a victim and is only <i>pretending</i> to be a victim.) </p><p>Etc. </p><p><br /></p><p>Basically the label "trauma bonding" believes there is something inherently wrong with the victim, and THAT'S why they were abused. Not because of the perpetrators/abusers choice to abuse and injure the victim, but because the victim has underlying issues that "led" them to be abused and become "trauma bonded". These are not only false uneducated narratives, but there's zero evidence that victims get addicted to trauma OR abusers. The fact is, perpetrators abuse because they CHOOSE to abuse, and the responsibility solely relies on them. </p><p><br /></p><p>Carnes was influenced by the writings of people who were influenced by Bruno Bettelheim. But get this, Bettelheim turned out to be a complete fraud🤯 (To read more about Bettelheim go <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2023/01/bruno-bettelheim-shocking-history-of.html?m=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>)</span>. He was never a psychologist. He was just a Freud wanna-be who lied about his credentials and education, and ended up molesting hundreds of women and children put into his care at both the college he was a director at, and the hospital he ran for autistic children. And tons of professionals to this day (like Bessel Van Der Kolk, who's victim blaming and has been accused of abuse) STILL cite Bettelheim's "scholarly" whackadoodle papers. 🤦♀️</p><p><br /></p><p>Sadly the label "Trauma bond" has become extremely popular, yet most people and professionals either don't have a clue about the patriarchal/misogynistic victim blaming foundation it was created in, or, they fully agree with it. </p><p>Here are a few quotes that further show why it's victim blaming :</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBeCUAbIPG6X4Z69T_ENp7YWgUn1g0kWg730bLIuSHqXRIUKRKkHISk-YcSix9IzcLZnJ8bYfQ3Mm8LXeOmhzxMmfjwXgMKwYYXC3LcMSvsdcO4JrCLKq-9rF1iBzgw2Gx_VOHw2zZ22U/s493/20201229_175856+%25282%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Victim Blaming" border="0" data-original-height="416" data-original-width="493" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBeCUAbIPG6X4Z69T_ENp7YWgUn1g0kWg730bLIuSHqXRIUKRKkHISk-YcSix9IzcLZnJ8bYfQ3Mm8LXeOmhzxMmfjwXgMKwYYXC3LcMSvsdcO4JrCLKq-9rF1iBzgw2Gx_VOHw2zZ22U/w320-h270/20201229_175856+%25282%2529.jpg" title="Trauma Bonded" width="320" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>* ".. partners will be tempted to stay in exploitive relationships that are unhealthy because they are addicted to the trauma. We use terms like love addict or relationship addiction or traumatic bonding to describe situations in which a person cannot let go of a partner who is destructive to oneself or others." - </span>Mending Shattered Heart, Stefanie Carnes </span></i></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>* "Noted neuroscientist Louis Cozolino suggests that codependence is rooted in “stress addiction” because of trauma. When noted researchers speak of addiction to the trauma, the world is full of examples. Just think of ones you know: </i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>… spouses who stay in battering situations…. </i></span></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>… sexual abuse victims who work as prostitutes" -</span> Mending Shattered Hearts, Stefanie Carnes </span></i></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>*.."Common Dynamics in Addicted Relationships:</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>Trauma Bonding</i></span></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>..Partner believes or tolerates addict’s lies and manipulations…Partner stays in a relationship that s/he knows is abusive…Partner tolerates exploitation…Partner may be repeating patterns from past relationships." </span>- Facing Heartbreak by Stefanie Carnes </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"> <span>* "It is very important for codependents to understand the elements of trauma bonding. It is also critical for persons struggling with a traumatic bond to understand the nature of codependency. There is a rich set of resources and an extensive set of support groups that can help sort through denial and help manage reactive responses. Many survivors who have trouble with trauma bonding are addicts themselves. They can also participate in groups appropriate to the addictions they have."</span> - The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>* "Each of these conditions adds to the emotional bond and deepens addictive attachment", "repetitive cycles of abuse… confusion about love…. there is a history of abuse… there is a familiar role and script to be fulfilled….victims and victimizers switch roles of rescuer and abuser." </span>etc. - The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes</span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>* "Compulsive Abuse Seeking — The victim sets up relationships to repeat the same patterns of abuse. This creates familiar binds, neuro-chemistry, and coping strategies. For a relationship to work, it must comply with the original abuse scenario. What can vary is the amount of risk and intensity. Adults may combine a number of abuse scenarios to get the desired effect. At the core of every addiction is compulsive behavior. Compulsion means that you exhibit the behavior even though you know it is self-destructive. You cannot stop it on your own. Traumatic bonding is essentially a compulsive relationship with very definite patterns of compulsive behavior."</span> - The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes</span></i></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>* "Trauma Bonds</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the clients.... </i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called trauma bonds. </i></span></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;"><span>...These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work - or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity" - </span>CSAT course by Patrick Carnes </span></i></p><p><br /></p><p>Say what? These attachments cause the CLIENT (us) to "distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place THEMSELVES at more risk."???? OH ok, so it's not the abusive men that do it, it's <i>our</i> addictive bond that allows US to do it to OURSELVES. Got it...🤦</p><p>Let's break down this nonsense :</p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1.ABUSE VICTIMS ARE ADDICTED TO THEIR ABUSERS:</b></span> </p><p>No. The chemicals involved with addiction are different than the chemicals involved in bonding. As a recovering addict as well, I personally find it offensive to imply that a woman's desire for love and connection is put in the same category as the perpetrator who is choosing to harm her. There's this notion out there that seems to believe that if feeling romantic love for a partner activates only a few similar neurons in the brain as being addicted to a substance, than **POOF** it must mean you're addicted to the activity as well! 🥴 If this were true then everyone, and every thing, in the world would be addicted simply for needing human connection. Or for running, or swimming, or even giving birth (--->"Aw, you feel so happy and love your baby so much!? Congratulations, you're addicted👍👏🎉… 🙄). While studies show love and addiction ARE similar in the beginning stages (just like most rewarding things in life..), they actually don't activate all the exact same neurons in the brain, especially in the oxytocin system. <u>There's a difference! </u></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. IF ABUSED WOMEN AREN'T ADDICTED TO THEIR ABUSER, THAN WHY DO THEY STAY??: </b></span></p><p>This is a myth. Statistically most abused women do eventually leave. But even if a victim stays, it's not because something is wrong with her. She stays for various of reasons. Heck, sometimes staying is the safest option. Sometimes they stay because they can't leave, etc. For example, imagine seeing a man walk up to his wife and cut off her legs, and she's utterly confused, screaming and pleading with her husband and everyone around to help her. Would you ever say to that woman "Why don't you run away? Why do you keep taking his crap? What insecurities or childhood trauma led you to getting your legs cut off? Why were you seeking to get your legs cut off? Geez lady, you must be addicted for sticking around!" ??? No! Because that would be a horrible thing to say. </p><p>This is what abusers do. Their choices to cause harm are debilitating for victims. It literally injures women and can metaphorically chop their legs off. And despite all that victims STILL find ways to actively resist abuse and better their situations. That's AMAZING 💗 So why is everyone more focused on what's "wrong with the victim", instead of why the perpetrator keeps CHOOSING to abuse? </p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;">3. BUT SURELY SINCE SHE MARRIED THE ABUSER, SHE *MUST* HAVE ISSUES THAT ATTRACTED HER TO AN ABUSER, RIGHT?</span></b></p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></b>Wrong. Think of it this way, if she married a healthy man, no one would think twice about her loving nature, her personality, or her "bond". No one would call it unhealthy. No one would say she's addicted, seeking abuse, or responding irrational. Yet, if a man chooses to abuse her, people suddenly do. Why is that? - - > Because men have blamed victims for thousands of years and have been convinced that if you're a victim then there "must" be something wrong with you, in order to make themselves feel safe in their little homes and keep up with their "Just World" theory. (Google Just World theory. Very interesting) </p><p>We can't automatically pathologize a woman's human nature or personality and call it unhealthy simply because she's with an abusive man. He wasn't always an abusive man. She's solely in a relationship with someone who turned out to be an abuser because the abuser lied, and because misogyny still dominates the world, making the odds of finding a healthy man against <i><u>all</u></i> women. That's it. It's that simple. We aren't human lie detectors, we can't know when someone is lying 24/7. Abusers even fool therapists, friends, family, police, etc. Should we pathologize them as well and tell them there's something wrong with them for believing the abuser? There's nothing inherently wrong with a woman who is abused. She's simply injured and exhausted. She didn't "bond" to him because she's addicted, unhealthy and has childhood trauma, etc. She bonded to him because she was bonding to someone she loved and was led to believe was a good guy. I guarantee she wasn't like "Ope, he's a jerk and is going to ruin my life, I better partner with him, that sounds fun!👍" 😶. She was doing what humans are meant to do... and he chose to lie. </p><p>I'm not saying an victim isn't experiencing anything chemical caused by the abuser. But I see it more like starvation. If an abuser tortures and starves a victim, especially with random intermittence, is it at all shocking that the victim becomes utterly obsessed with food, thinking about it all the time, depressed, tired, irritable, etc? No, that would be a completely normal response that the human body would naturally go through. It has nothing to do with how healthy a person is, being addicted, or their childhood experiences. It's a built in bodily response to not getting something our bodies <u>need</u> for survival. We wouldn't blame the starving victim for being hungry, we would blame the abuser for starving her. </p><p>So why is it any different for a victim who is being starved of other physical needs, like love, connection, and safety? </p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;">4. VICTIMS LACK BOUNDARIES AND SELF ESTEEM, OR THEIR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA LED THEM TO BELIEVE ABUSE IS ACCEPTABLE, THAT'S WHY THEY ENDED UP BEING ABUSED. </span></b></p><p>If this were true then we wouldn't see victims resisting abuse, yet ALL victims resist abuse (since no one wants to be abused). And that resistance is proof that victims <i>do</i> have enough self esteem, boundaries, etc. </p><p>This is a story about a woman who resisted abuse throughout her life in many ways . Dr Allen Wade then explains why her forms of resistance are proof that she didn't lack self esteem, boundaries, or any other incorrect cliches about victims. </p><p></p><blockquote>Quote : "So the conversation became about honouring her [the clients] many forms of resistance, and that was the therapy..There's no psycho education. I'm not trying to teach her to have boundaries. I don't believe she lacked self-esteem. I don't think she was socialized into submission, I don't think she's complying with femininity scripts, etc., none of that. Because if those things were true you WOULDN'T find her resisting in all these multiple ways would you? If she was socialised into submission, how could she have been resisting all these ways? If she lacked self-esteem, how could she esteem herself enough to tell those bastards to fuck off in the bar? Do you see what I mean? So all of those kinds of cliches about victims begin to melt away when you begin to look at how they actually respond and resist."</blockquote><p></p><p>-Identifying & Honouring Resistance/ Example of Resistance (5min) <a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6xcw8UQYXfc">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6xcw8UQYXfc</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>As long as there's victim blaming, studies show perpetrators aren't be held accountable. If we as a society want perpetrators to be held accountable and for victims to stop being harmed, then we MUST stop blaming victims, especially with our language and beliefs. </p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span><br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-77360819675347982352021-05-05T11:22:00.008-07:002022-08-22T23:52:30.161-07:00Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"<p> I'm not against everything regarding learned helplessness. Martin Seligman's study is fascinating (disgusting), though I don't feel it is entirely accurate. I'm also not against the idea of victims feeling helpless; this is a normal human emotion. I am against the term "Learned Helplessness" being applied to abused/betrayed victims. That is victim-blaming. Let me explain the history: </p><p><br /></p><p>Learned Helplessness is a term coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in 1967. He wanted to understand depression. In his study, he took dogs, put them in Pavlov slings, and attached electrodes to their hind legs (see pictures below). The electrodes delivered an inescapable and uncontrollable shock to half of the dogs he referred to as the "yoked group". He then took the yoked group of dogs and put them in a shuttle box with an electrified floor and a half wall in the middle and continued shocking them in hopes that the yoked group would jump over the half wall to escape, which would end the shock. Instead, 60% of the yoked dogs whimpered and yelped and eventually just laid down during the remaining 60 seconds of the shock. He concluded that the reason the yoked dogs didn't jump over the half wall to escape was because they had literally learned helplessness. (Though, Seligman did mention that at the end of a shock session, if the door to the opposite shuttle box was opened, the dog "will often come bounding across to escape from the box altogether", Seligman 1967. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyVkIkdpytv5j9sdJZIotPpYqH9uipHqfnD6Nbc8TL9djG1qAIJXhKLfAsnRVd7TGmybY9E94fLYqlgSLrH4igquY2_klK_O2UE15mQOc-av-Z6BDasp3N4kB864by7iHnWwjUw30NnGALWNl5y7wrV3seczmUEXLvafhUgkTOEs19qXQFtdmsZCBm/s489/Screenshot_20220822-234729_Office.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="489" height="118" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyVkIkdpytv5j9sdJZIotPpYqH9uipHqfnD6Nbc8TL9djG1qAIJXhKLfAsnRVd7TGmybY9E94fLYqlgSLrH4igquY2_klK_O2UE15mQOc-av-Z6BDasp3N4kB864by7iHnWwjUw30NnGALWNl5y7wrV3seczmUEXLvafhUgkTOEs19qXQFtdmsZCBm/s320/Screenshot_20220822-234729_Office.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>Why Seligman didn't consider that as evidence yoked dogs DO escape, I do not know. That sounds like an escape to me. 🤷</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>Similar studies have been replicated with humans and rats that supposedly support the learned helplessness theory. With rats, the yoked group of rats actually escaped shock and weren't helpless, unlike the dogs. So researchers decided to make escaping the shock more difficult, and then the yoked rats finally exhibited the same learned helplessness as the dogs. With humans, regarding a study by Thornton & Jacobs 1971, Seligman stated, "Following in-escapable shock, college students sat and took the shock. When asked why they did not respond appropriately, 60% of the subjects reported they had no control over shocks, so why try." (However, Thornton & Jacobs did another study in 1972. This time, college students who received inescapable shock "significantly increased their scores on a test of mental ability". Contradicting, eh? 🤔🤣). </p><p><br /></p><p>Regardless of what study it is, or what a professional says, the concept of learned helplessness is seen as the CAUSE of not moving, not escaping, enduring a shock, not doing a task, not doing well on a test, feeling stupid, not leaving an abusive relationship, etc. But, uh, isn't the "cause" actually created by the person who is inflicting the harm?? If I punched you in the face, would people say that your pain is caused by the nerve endings in your skin signaling to your brain? No, the cause is me punching you. Or, if you were hit by a drunk driver, would we say you got into an accident because you hit the gas pedal when the light turned green? 🤦</p><p><br /></p><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Learned Helplessness Is Victim Blaming </span></h2><p><br /></p><p>Sadly, learned helplessness was applied to women in the 70s and 80s to explain "why abused women don't leave", and it is still largely in use (shocking, I know). Many professionals believe learned helplessness is what causes an abused woman to use unhealthy strategies of coping with the abuse, which often leads to the violence and psychological manipulation becoming more intense, vicious, and frequent. Basically, they believe the abused woman's faulty PERCEPTIONS are why they become victims, and what keeps the abuser abusing. 🙄😡 </p><p><br /></p><p>I have not come across one abused woman who did NOTHING but lay there and whimper like the poor tortured dog in Seligman's study. Actually, it's quite the opposite. In an ongoing poll, 100% of abused/betrayed wives have tried to improve their situations in order to avoid being hurt again. We. Aren't. Helpless. Animals. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that most abused women DO eventually leave and that before leaving most abused women repeatedly DO try and get help, even more frequently than friends or family trying to help (contacting police, clergy, etc). There is nothing wrong with a woman that causes her to become abused! The blame rests solely on men who choose to abuse and the patriarchal victim-blaming culture that supports those abusers. 🙌</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNv_Zd4kc5n_pcvcnOGhb7Xt5vWgl18NZDonBYcMvFU2TdP_vLvOGF4fgebReQdDFKKyiSqw4dkYqijNRpYfzjrPp3wgwrHXDuEeufP22daghvhex96rVrviyD6FhL-SSnUzUDlunz6W4/s512/unnamed.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="368" data-original-width="512" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNv_Zd4kc5n_pcvcnOGhb7Xt5vWgl18NZDonBYcMvFU2TdP_vLvOGF4fgebReQdDFKKyiSqw4dkYqijNRpYfzjrPp3wgwrHXDuEeufP22daghvhex96rVrviyD6FhL-SSnUzUDlunz6W4/w320-h230/unnamed.png" title="Learned helplessness is victim blaming" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB5eF9V5iWFErleMrSHTzkV45QjCyesm0SkMDWhn3P-_4dDo4-2AadBhGwd3mSc_eP5NvI9RRbKOKwz1aDhFSNSI7umiOjTr178pYKllujcIEiIRqMejcENPnmq2SBQd20V1N2UmnBXoA/s285/285px-Shuttle_Box_Dog_Orange.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="192" data-original-width="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB5eF9V5iWFErleMrSHTzkV45QjCyesm0SkMDWhn3P-_4dDo4-2AadBhGwd3mSc_eP5NvI9RRbKOKwz1aDhFSNSI7umiOjTr178pYKllujcIEiIRqMejcENPnmq2SBQd20V1N2UmnBXoA/s16000/285px-Shuttle_Box_Dog_Orange.png" title="Learned helplessness is Victim Blaming" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTt1jx2alQWuQn3TX3WvRNucLI6DKaD9VGLl-xKWFoiIJEV-pZemayKJHmcRCJzmpG2X_Sr5Wz6rCdSGC18tXcwtaBaTzEHzptNGTn5OvZKa3uhgLVlL3UwCjrwQZ6MZ4_SUk4qn-nRzs/s638/images+%252820%2529.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="638" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTt1jx2alQWuQn3TX3WvRNucLI6DKaD9VGLl-xKWFoiIJEV-pZemayKJHmcRCJzmpG2X_Sr5Wz6rCdSGC18tXcwtaBaTzEHzptNGTn5OvZKa3uhgLVlL3UwCjrwQZ6MZ4_SUk4qn-nRzs/w320-h240/images+%252820%2529.jpeg" title="Learned helplessness is victim blaming" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>How Psychology Taught Us To Be Helpless </p><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/blaming-victims-for-domestic-violence-how-psychology-taught-us-to-be-helpless-53636?fbclid=IwAR3cDvtB8ppSlzIPgGFw4X-iUcLIZ3DGbDpxzP34ry-EyuSJ2JQtH_HkNVE#comments-container">https://theconversation.com/blaming-victims-for-domestic-violence-how-psychology-taught-us-to-be-helpless-53636?fbclid=IwAR3cDvtB8ppSlzIPgGFw4X-iUcLIZ3DGbDpxzP34ry-EyuSJ2JQtH_HkNVE#comments-container</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span><br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-1735877966756837392021-05-05T11:15:00.005-07:002022-03-04T13:15:21.012-07:00Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome<h1 style="text-align: left;">The term "Stockholm Syndrome" is ALL CRAP. Hogwash. Nonsense. Absurd. Rubbish. Malarky. Hooey. Doo doo. Lies.</h1><p><br /></p><p>Yet there are hundreds of cited research studies, articles, movies, and theories about abuse victims founded from it, and they are all based on something that isn't even real. 😲</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>The label "Stockholm Syndrome" was made up in 1973 by psychiatrist Nils Bejerot, who was helping the police during a bank robbery by 2 men, which resulted in 4 people being taken hostage for six days. From the very start, the police botched the entire thing and recklessly put the hostages in danger, which left all 4 hostages upset and scared of the police, not the bank robbers, as the bank robbers treated them nicely and assured them they wouldn't be hurt. The robbers even let them call their families to let them know they were ok.</p><p><br /></p><p>One of the hostages, Kristin Enmark, was especially vocal in how the police were putting them in more danger. She repeatedly spoke to the police and urged them to back off, but they wouldn't listen and eventually just refused to speak with her altogether. She also requested to speak to Dr. Bejerot, who refused to speak with her at all. Enmark then decided to do a live interview on the radio to urge for help and call the police out. When that didn't work, she even called the Prime Minister, and he refused to help, even telling her, "You're going to have to be content to die at your post," to which she replied, "I don't want to be some dead hero." (Those statements were conveniently cut from the recording shown to the public).</p><p><br /></p><p>Desperate, Enmark called the radio a 2nd time and this time criticized the police AND Dr. Bejerot. And guess what Dr. Bejerot did? He decided to label her with a brand new syndrome he made up just for her (a woman he never talked to): Stockholm Syndrome.🤮 (Sidenote: His inspiration was likely rooted in works by Anna Freud -1942, and Bettelheim - 1943, who theorized that nazi prisoners identified with the Gestapo by imitating and dressing up like them, which turned out NOT to be true because Bettelheim was a big fat liar and never even had a psychology degree 😲... Oddly, people still quote him as evidence Stockholm Syndrome is real though🤦). To top it off, Bejerot perpetuated lies and publicly stated Enmark fell in love and had sex with her captors during the hostage (not true), and dismissed any comments she made calling it the effects of the "syndrome".🙄</p><p><br /></p><p>Enmark basically didn't fit the mold of how men thought a "good little victim" should act and wasn't acting traumatized ENOUGH for their liking. Thus a new sub-genre of victim-blaming was born and is still used today to blame victims, like Natasha Kampusch, Elizabeth Smart, etc. It's a way to silence victims and pathologize them for normal behaviors in order to make them look unstable, or as Enmark stated, "Syndrome is a condition of illness. I became stamped as ill and thus not credible."</p><p><br /></p><p>Enmark, Kampusch, Smart, etc. weren't ill or "bonded to their captor"🙄. If you listened to their stories, you'd know they were incredibly intelligent and calculated in their choices to survive. Actually, they are straight-up bad*sses. I freaking LOVE what they said :</p><p><br /></p><p></p><blockquote>"Looking for normality within the framework of a crime is not a syndrome...but people get annoyed when I say that." - Natasha Kambusch </blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p></p><blockquote>“Nobody should ever question why you didn’t do something... They have no idea what they would have done, and they certainly have no right to judge you. Everything I did, I did to survive." - Elizabeth Smart</blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>🙌🙌👏👏👏👏👏👏</p><p><br /></p><p>Please watch this video about Kristin Enmark by Dr Allen Wade. The story is fascinating; you won't regret it! Turn up the volume really loud. 🙌</p><p><a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4HFJkbCc">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4HFJkbCc</a></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7IhXjUcWQpPsbBRwvi1sgHRtLHOZCkKd-6zXRZI3hClp2HBymMgo_uN26Q-qKWhgTO8RrI-5UCge_ajYKh6UoHtqblGNz_FF2vGpdCMtEc7tOBM6Yo4Hkx7ruz0DPYypAQxgOB5QIUjY/s640/download+%25289%2529.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Stockholm syndrome is crap" border="0" data-original-height="420" data-original-width="640" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7IhXjUcWQpPsbBRwvi1sgHRtLHOZCkKd-6zXRZI3hClp2HBymMgo_uN26Q-qKWhgTO8RrI-5UCge_ajYKh6UoHtqblGNz_FF2vGpdCMtEc7tOBM6Yo4Hkx7ruz0DPYypAQxgOB5QIUjY/w320-h210/download+%25289%2529.jpeg" title="Victim Blaming" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span><br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-24132463534020243362021-05-05T10:59:00.006-07:002021-05-05T13:51:27.882-07:00Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)<p> The Drama Triangle is another victim blaming term when applied to trauma victims. </p><p>According to the creator, Dr. Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle is basically when two unhealthy people come together and take turns playing the roles of the Victim "woe is me", Persecutor "the bully", & Rescuer "Let me fix you", because they have psychological unmet needs, often developed in childhood. The Victim in this model is thought to be the start or catalyst of the Drama Triangle by seeking out a Persecutor who will keep them playing the Victim, and also a Rescuer who will "save" them. All three roles thrive off the drama and can get a sense of excitement from control and having felt they "won". </p><p>However, involvement in a drama triangle isn't something someone is doing to you. It's something you are equally doing WITH another unhealthy person. If you are currently the victim in a abusive/betrayed relationship you cannot be in the Drama Triangle, because the "Victim" role in the Drama Triangle isn't actually a real victim, it's someone ACTING like a victim, ie "playing the victim," as Dr. Stephan Karpman stated:</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><blockquote><br />" ...they play the role of a victim. They’re not actually the victim, they’re playing the role of a victim, which is very manipulative and playing all sorts of games to keep the rescuer helping them and to keep the persecutor criticizing them. So then, you have the drama triangle, that’s the drama." </blockquote><p></p><p>In an abusive/betrayed relationship it isn't a "two to tango" situation where the victim is equally contributing to the unhealth of the relationship, or as one sex addiction therapist, Brannon Patrick, put it, "That's why they get together, they are equally unhealthy.". 🙄 Abuse is an imbalance of power and control where one person has more control. Why would we ever tell a terrified injured person, who's world got flipped upside down by the person they love the most, that they are actively seeking and engaging in a Drama Triangle because they are unhealthy, have issues, and crave drama??</p><p>Injured victims deserve better than to be treated using modalities for perpetrators.🥺</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfgE51gHuzzQhmaG7h8GVRZJ4r0tCiqh1igBZoAiPc3X3-B-GVj60KEcSHV3ItCqpx4Iz-NMERDCXgVhBPoC0-FaKL0ZoUnH7uEt4vjh4KNe9sZmWcnSUg0qbGrrXZhmxtWAHojHuiqik/s1440/156199106_10224412990528400_2031801151639383400_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfgE51gHuzzQhmaG7h8GVRZJ4r0tCiqh1igBZoAiPc3X3-B-GVj60KEcSHV3ItCqpx4Iz-NMERDCXgVhBPoC0-FaKL0ZoUnH7uEt4vjh4KNe9sZmWcnSUg0qbGrrXZhmxtWAHojHuiqik/s320/156199106_10224412990528400_2031801151639383400_n.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span><br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-24503763823299026902021-05-05T10:54:00.015-07:002022-05-15T00:07:18.462-07:00Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz15PcVgB2QBamJEzPvEGa5mtGTOk1f_tYwbtRUTdltiU-1uuVFcJxp-Mq6Srdre29R_df2limU-LqwxAmnwvuosrPAzOikgP-mEFVUfAbdVz_UMPQQ56ZpOQ_f-vTZe7-GgaDHb0fbgI/s425/victim.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Reactive Abuse" border="0" data-original-height="282" data-original-width="425" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz15PcVgB2QBamJEzPvEGa5mtGTOk1f_tYwbtRUTdltiU-1uuVFcJxp-Mq6Srdre29R_df2limU-LqwxAmnwvuosrPAzOikgP-mEFVUfAbdVz_UMPQQ56ZpOQ_f-vTZe7-GgaDHb0fbgI/w320-h212/victim.jpg" title="Victim Blaming" width="320" /></a></div><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">"Reactive Abuse" or "Mutual Abuse" isnt a real thing. Someone always has more power and control. The reason victims do things is completely different than why perpetrators do things. By saying the victim and the perpetrator are BOTH abusers, it's not only inaccurate, it's incredibly victim blaming and not helpful for the victim OR the perpetrator. Plus, we already have a correct name for this situation, it's called self defense. Why would we ever call something abuse when it isn't abuse? </span></p><p>Think of it this way, if someone broke into your house and held you down and tried to kill you with a knife, and in your terrified state you managed to break free enough to grab a bat from under your bed and hit the attacker in the head, and that blow to the head lead to the attacker dying....... would we call YOU a murderer? </p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p>No. We call that self defense. But WHY don't we call it murder? I mean, you killed someone, it has so many "similarities" to murder because someone dies in the end, right? And I'm sure you were feeling angry, right!?!? Isn't it the same thing? NOPE. They are completely two different things because one was in a position of power and one was not, and the INTENT behind them are completely different. The attacker was intentionally trying to murder you, whereas you were just wanting to protect your life. We can not, and should not, ever compare the two. <span style="font-size: x-small;">(Yes, I know someone can unintentionally kill a person and it's called 3rd degree manslaughter, but that's due to negligence, accident, etc and isn't relevant in this analogy. Just wanted to clarify for all the people who have a technical brain like me.) </span></p><p>Furthermore, how do you think it would make you feel for someone (law, peers, family, therapists) to say that what you did was "Reactive Murder" or "Mutual murder"? How do you think those words would affect the way people view you, or how you even view yourself? Not to mention how it could put a victim in more danger BY their abuser, ie "Well, see? You are abusive too". </p><p>It's easy to assume words don't have that much of an impact, but they do. Even switching a few words around has a huge impact on how people blame a victim, without realizing it. For example, they once did a study where they had participants read "Lisa was approached by Dan at a party. Dan gave Lisa a drink spiked with Rohypnol. Later that night, Lisa was assaulted by Dan.” and participants had to basically rate the level of which they felt it was Lisa's fault. The researchers then switched the perpetrator to be the subject in the sentence, making it "Dan approached Lisa.. " instead of "Lisa was approached by Dan..", and they discovered people were less likely to subconsciously blame the victim when the perpetrator was the subject. WORDS MATTER. </p><p>So why, oh why, does society still compare the two situations when it comes to abuse? There is always someone with more control, and THAT is the abuser. Victims deserve better than to be compared with their abusers. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje2rmqTmdxQLDOwmHFxqOId9PKvUpUfx84tDxU0KXqiptMCUmo505hcQoJ2L0eW8YHbL1_Nlc8EsF65jGwc9q4YNqLb0TYf2MGKDDmixHnSTa7nSfF_RYmBlHXvdJrbPsqmMX6_A70pP_Lmjh2lOA-fRy25VT0njURDWIZTHZjZrQk5vNfTQmgufn8/s1024/Domestic+Abuse+is+NOT%E2%80%A6+Mutual+Abuse%20(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Reactive abuse" border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje2rmqTmdxQLDOwmHFxqOId9PKvUpUfx84tDxU0KXqiptMCUmo505hcQoJ2L0eW8YHbL1_Nlc8EsF65jGwc9q4YNqLb0TYf2MGKDDmixHnSTa7nSfF_RYmBlHXvdJrbPsqmMX6_A70pP_Lmjh2lOA-fRy25VT0njURDWIZTHZjZrQk5vNfTQmgufn8/w320-h240/Domestic+Abuse+is+NOT%E2%80%A6+Mutual+Abuse%20(1).jpg" title="Mutual abuse" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>This better explains the power differential :</p><p><a href="https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/am-i-abusive-too-the-myth-of-mutual-abuse/">https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/am-i-abusive-too-the-myth-of-mutual-abuse/</a></p><p>This article talks about the study I mentioned:</p><p><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/10/the-psychology-of-victim-blaming/502661/?fbclid=IwAR3h1rGZqEy5H4pWomCgVum_bIRIRPF_9wmdch891I-Qp3Qo8qWnMUKDMnE"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/10/the-psychology-of-victim-blaming/502661/?fbclid=IwAR3h1rGZqEy5H4pWomCgVum_bIRIRPF_9wmdch891I-Qp3Qo8qWnMUKDMnE</span></a></p><p>2nd photo thanks to End Domestic Abuse Wisconsin:</p><p><a href="https://slideplayer.com/amp/14462986/"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://slideplayer.com/amp/14462986/</span></a></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><span>Other Articles :</span><br /></u></span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-36206487714250128522021-05-05T10:45:00.018-07:002023-02-05T01:40:51.417-07:00Victim Blaming Post #1 Codependency<p>I will be doing a series of posts about some victim blaming terms that many people may not be aware of that are harming victims of abuse, like Codependency, Prodependency, Trauma Bonded, Stockholm Syndrome, Reactive/Mutual Abuse, Drama Triangle, Learned Helplessness, etc <-- all terms made up by men and applied to women they thought were crazy, much like Hysteria (Which sadly still exists in the DSM, they just call it Histrionic now 😳). This post will be about Codependency. </p><p>Codependency was a word made up by abusive cheating addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what THEY considered to be neurosis, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict/addicts addiction, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery which was the main goal (Read Al-Anons "To Wives" below🙄). These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict. </p><p>Sadly, there's a huge movement out there where therapists and organizations (many of the top sex addiction organizations in the world) will remove the WORD "Codependency" and instead slap the word trauma over it, without ever getting rid of the codependency treatment or victim blaming content. So it's still victim blaming, except it's masked in the word "trauma", thus making it more confusing and harder to spot, and in my mind more dangerous. An example of this is how it was publicly stated by Stefanie Carnes that only 1-2% of CSATS still use the codependency model. Yet an ongoing poll showed 74% of betrayed wives experienced a CSAT covertly using the codependency model. There's a huge difference in what is SAID, and what actually happens. </p><p>Victims deserve better than to be continually blamed. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtfYNjuUX7Fs_um3zg-YF4t0H6TwXZvgMUfTyqNyVGBIfbTF2Xiu0vi7eC2UBuSy0xs8LWSUOXXYlQlkXA7SY2A0v0ol2hDCFFe5oYnc09HkhWw_cdVJslcGLuZQolaye1yM_kiO7UYyk/s1009/IMG_20210324_192523_494.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sex addiction" border="0" data-original-height="1009" data-original-width="1009" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtfYNjuUX7Fs_um3zg-YF4t0H6TwXZvgMUfTyqNyVGBIfbTF2Xiu0vi7eC2UBuSy0xs8LWSUOXXYlQlkXA7SY2A0v0ol2hDCFFe5oYnc09HkhWw_cdVJslcGLuZQolaye1yM_kiO7UYyk/w320-h320/IMG_20210324_192523_494.jpg" title="CSAT CRAP" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><span><a name='more'></a></span><h2 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Ok, I'M Not Codependent. But Doesn't Codependency Exist?</span> </b></h2><p>No. Codependency Isn't Real. It needs to be completely abolished. </p><p>I mean sure, Codependency exists in about the same way Hysteria/wandering womb or Stockholm syndrome exists. Meaning yes it's used a lot, and the word does exist in the dictionary, but the very foundation of what it is and what it MEANS is based in things that aren't true or real and that are incredibly victim blaming. 😢</p><p>For example, when it comes to <span style="color: #0b5394;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">Stockholm Syndrome</a></span>, have you ever listened to the victims story of whom it was named after, Kristin Enmark? Hear HER tell the story (through a friend who spoke English)? It was awesome. She is a brave amazing woman. She didn't fall in love with her captor, that was all lies created by men. She was surviving. Yet some mysogynistic psychiatrist comes along and thinks she's not acting "scared" enough, and isn't behaving like he thinks a good little victim should, and so what does he do? He creates a syndrome to explain what he doesn't understand (and I personally think to get back at her for publicly snubbing him and the reckless police during the hostage😊). But guess what? He never once spoke to her in order to get her opinion or experience. She asked to speak to him and he refused to. He created a syndrome and a label founded on someone he never once spoke to 🤣🤯🤦 Oy, what a mess.. </p><p>This is what I mean when I say that the very basis for Stockholm Syndrome isn't based on anything real. The foundation is built upon lies.</p><p>Same with codependency. If you go read the roots of the codependency model before the name was created, you'll find research papers from the 1890's, 1920's, 30's, 40's etc that were all based on incorrect information about women.</p><p>Many of the beginning foundations of codependency came from Dr Karen Horney (was influenced by Freud and other men), who had some good ideas, but also some horribly whacky ideas. For example, women had issues because they wished they had a penis AND because they didn't have a penis to hold while they pee'd 🤦🤣. Have hysteria? It's because you have penis envy. A woman have issues with masturbation? It's because of penis envy. Depressed? Penis envy, etc</p><p>So should we really take any diagnosis or label seriously when it was literally born in sexist mysogynistic beliefs by people who believed women were masochists and basically bat star crazy??? 🤪 </p><p>This is why codependency was originally created. Again, they thought all the wives of alcoholics were just as addicted, diseased, and messed up as the addict, so they created the name "codependent" JUST for those darn crazy wives. Dr Fox once stated in a paper in 1955 : <i>"[the wife of an alcoholic is] the protective, maternal kind of women who marries a man whom she knowsto be an alcoholic, in order to, she thinks, help him over his addiction. But unconsciously she wants no part of his recovery. Her need is to dominate a weaker man; his recovery is an actual threat to her neurotic demand that he be weak,inferior, helpless, and dependent. . . . It may be the wife who makes sure the drinking problem remains insoluable."</i>.😬😲 </p><p>And then in 1973, Dr Fox states the wife's personality disturbance as being <i>"even more serious than her alcoholic husband's"</i>, and cites Boggs(1944), Futterman (1953), and Whalen (1953) to back her up. All of whom were incredibly victim blaming towards women as well. THIS was the majority mentality towards women before and after codependency was created. </p><p>These are just small small examples of what I'm talking about, and I'll show you more down below. I've read most of the old research studies and scholar papers myself. I've SEEN the evolution of how codependency was created, and my brain about exploded in doing so 🤯🤯🤯. </p><p>Codependency has been blaming victims for over 70 years. No, it's not a real diagnosis. We cannot and should not call a horribly sexist mysogynistic diagnosis real, simply because it became a popular label that everyone uses. No matter how much it's watered down, it's not real and is always going to be victim blaming. Codependency wasn't based on truth or facts then, and it's not based on truth or facts now. </p><p>The sexist outdated victim blaming HAS to stop 😢 Help us stop it. 🙏😢😢😢</p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">RESOURCES:</span></h3><p>- In 1924 Karen Horney wrote a paper called "On the Genesis of the Castration Complex in Women". Here's where she wrote about penis envy. While some of her views differed from Freud and I love that she opposed him occasionally, her views were still very similar at the time.</p><p>Since this paper can be hard to find to the public, here's a link with a few screenshots: <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i9hFjLlkOHCkCGv1HarCeMvzDF1AulfBO1NKYXKDsCU/edit?usp=drivesdk"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i9hFjLlkOHCkCGv1HarCeMvzDF1AulfBO1NKYXKDsCU/edit?usp=drivesdk</span></a></p><p><br /></p><p>- Karen Horney in 1945 published a paper (book) called "Our Inner Conflicts". This is where she presents some pre-codependancy ideas of what she called "Compliant Type/Moving Towards" or a "sadistic deep need". In it she gave examples of what she defined as someone with this type of neurosis. *Note, she is clear that this the person in this type is neurotic and unhealthy and acting out from a place of mental illness :</p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Dependance on others" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Self-esteem rises and falls with their [others] approval or disapproval" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"[Thinks] Love will fix all" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Needy" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Needs love, attention, protection" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Plays a victim, 'poor me' " </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Subordinate" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Invites exploitation" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Need for affection and approval" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Need for a partner friend lover spouse" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Does anything to fit in and be agreeable" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Needs to be liked wanted desired, loved, approved" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Masochistic drive" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Self-sacrificing, and selfish, undemanding" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Does what others want, never what they want" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Shoulders blame" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Overly apologetic" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Represents himself" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Can't be alone" </span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"Helpless"</span></i></p><p>Any of these sound familiar? 🤪😜🤭 Obviously many other researchers had similar notions before and after she wrote this, but this is just one of many examples. You can also find many similarities of codependency in the "Hysteria" diagnosis in the 1900's, as well. Interestingly enough, this was also the same inspiration for the Drama Triangle and many other victim blaming modalities. They all are born from the same crap place 🤣😜</p><p><br /></p><p>- "Wife of Alcoholic : Sexist Stereotypes" PDF by Decker, Redhorse, Green & Starrett. Excellent research paper 👏👏👏😍!!!! This paper gives MANY examples from several researchers of sexism and mysogyny surrounding the victim blaming of wives of alcoholics, including the label of co-alcoholism (codependency, co-addiction, and co-alcoholism all come from the same place). It's absolutely amazing that this was written in 1983, considering many therapists/researchers today still can't grasp these basic concepts. It's comforting to know that there WERE researchers back then who opposed codependency and victim blaming. Sadly their voices were drowned out and not remembered, since it wasn't the "popular" opinion 😢</p><p><a href="https://scholarworks.wmich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1617&context=jssw">https://scholarworks.wmich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1617&context=jssw</a></p><p><br /></p><p>- Excellent paper by Greg Dear called Blaming the Victim: Domestic Violence and the Codependency Model (PDF) </p><p><a href="https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=9a124f6770ae1e13006ce45c53e86960b039071f"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=9a124f6770ae1e13006ce45c53e86960b039071f</span></a></p><p>If that link doesn't work, try this one <a href="https://acrobat.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:df99cd77-95ee-3e96-a519-b820b49d6f1a">https://acrobat.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:df99cd77-95ee-3e96-a519-b820b49d6f1a</a></p><p><br /></p><p>- Co-dependency: Implications for Women and Therapy by VanWormer </p><p><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J015v08n04_04?journalCode=wwat20">https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J015v08n04_04?journalCode=wwat20</a></p><p>PDF download of the same paper by VanWormer:</p><p><a href="https://sci-hub.se/https://doi.org/10.1300/J015v08n04_04">https://sci-hub.se/https://doi.org/10.1300/J015v08n04_04</a></p><p><br /></p><p>- Here's another example of the frame of mind these men had of women back then. This is written to the wives of alcoholics, <i><b>by</b></i> AA founder Bill Wilson, but he's PRETENDING TO WRITE IT AS A WIFE 🤮 Bill felt that dealing with the addiction was a wife's "burden to bear", and despite alll the obvious abuse, she must never condemn her husband or show anger. Ew. </p><p>Here's a few tidbits :</p><p><i>"There was never financial security..... </i></p><p><i>Sometimes there were other women. How heart-breaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!.... </i></p><p><i>The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home—our hus-bands thought we were so inhospitable. “Joykiller, nag, wet blanket”—that’s what they said.....</i></p><p><i>..We have told small tots that father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed treasured crockery, and ripped the keys out of pianos. In the midst of such pandemonium they may have rushed out threatening to live with the other woman forever.... The unexpected result was that our husbands seemed to like it.. </i></p><p><i>.. Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.... </i></p><p><i>The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary. Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him— not always another man.... </i></p><p><i>Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, “This is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.”...."</i></p><p>Alcoholics Anonymous : To Wives (PDF) </p><p><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwje3vq5irPwAhVLsp4KHUeoDJkQFjAAegQIAxAC&usg=AOvVaw2Jgh_Kal2zE_3DHRshw_zU">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwje3vq5irPwAhVLsp4KHUeoDJkQFjAAegQIAxAC&usg=AOvVaw2Jgh_Kal2zE_3DHRshw_zU</a></span></p><p><br /></p><p>- Interesting article about how it's a myth that adult children of alcoholics display a similar profile of symptoms, or are syndromed. Hopefully this screenshot is clear. If not then search within the document for the word codependent. :</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdiAjf2wpJ6tnjozt-FEXJcrTaD6Fvovl9wTr-sgl0xc4V5nY2UOk1jkdw0F1kIYsbFxzwhi8QidkiltOljGSiUaoZXdYFscNO74Pm9t0gLmWF7X4-7QjYXtR5ej0sRR3qz1HcqhTJpMApfclsk5ccdSAFE73uQq7_rvDMLRQKEIgSosbv7NLylQD_/s1219/Screenshot_20220823-102257_Office.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1219" data-original-width="1079" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdiAjf2wpJ6tnjozt-FEXJcrTaD6Fvovl9wTr-sgl0xc4V5nY2UOk1jkdw0F1kIYsbFxzwhi8QidkiltOljGSiUaoZXdYFscNO74Pm9t0gLmWF7X4-7QjYXtR5ej0sRR3qz1HcqhTJpMApfclsk5ccdSAFE73uQq7_rvDMLRQKEIgSosbv7NLylQD_/s320/Screenshot_20220823-102257_Office.jpg" width="283" /></a></div><p><a href="https://www.academia.edu/35499196/Great_Myths_of_Popular_Psychology">https://www.academia.edu/35499196/Great_Myths_of_Popular_Psychology</a></p><p><br /></p><p>- William White gives a brief chronology of Al-Anon. In it you can see a few examples of the progression of the victim blaming that later formed Al-Anon 🤮 </p><p><a href="http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/al-anon-alateen-chronology/" target="_blank">http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/al-anon-alateen-chronology/</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><b><span style="font-size: large;">Other Articles To Read :</span></b></p><p><span>Are women who live with abusive partners codependent?</span></p><p><span><a href="https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/are-women-who-live-with-abusive-partners-codependent">https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/are-women-who-live-with-abusive-partners-codependent</a></span></p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></p><p>How To Tell If Your Therapist Is Covertly Victim Blaming </p><p><a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-your-therapist-is.html?m=1">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-your-therapist-is.html?m=1</a></p><p><br /></p><p>Abused Women Are Not Codependent, And Here's Why :</p><p><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-games/201809/abused-women-are-not-codependent-and-heres-why?amp">https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-games/201809/abused-women-are-not-codependent-and-heres-why?amp</a></p><p><br /></p><p>Codependency Harms : Codependency Origins </p><p><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1</a></p><p><br /></p><p>What's Wrong With Codependency </p><p><a href="https://www.btr.org/whats-wrong-with-codependency/">https://www.btr.org/whats-wrong-with-codependency/</a></p><p><br /></p><p>The Truth About 12 Steps</p><p><a href="https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug">https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug</a></p><p><br /></p><p>Examples of How The 12 step Group S-Anon Blames Victims </p><p><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2020/09/proof-s-anon-blames-trauma-victims.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2020/09/proof-s-anon-blames-trauma-victims.html?m=1</a></p><p><br /></p><p>Are Pornography & Infidelity Abusive to Your Spouse? (*while I do <i><b><u>not</u></b></i> recommend Minwalla anymore due to his victim blaming and concealment of violence within his literature, this episode is still good) </p><p><a href="https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/">https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/</a></p><p><br /></p><p>A Needed Change</p><p><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20151209031136/https://drbarbarasteffens.com/partner-sensitive-sexual-addiction-treatment-a-needed-change/">https://web.archive.org/web/20151209031136/https://drbarbarasteffens.com/partner-sensitive-sexual-addiction-treatment-a-needed-change/</a></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><span><u><span style="font-size: large;">Victim Blaming Series :</span><br /></u></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #2: Reactive Abuse or Mutual Abuse</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #3 The Drama Triangle (Karpman Triangle)</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #4 Stockholm Syndrome</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #5 "Learned Helplessness"</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #6 Trauma Bonded</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #7 : Prodependency</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 14px;">Victim Blaming Post #8: Ignoring Red Flags</span><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-8-ignoring-red-flags.html?m=1</a></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-54411711175140605832020-10-12T15:22:00.013-07:002021-02-09T08:34:36.855-07:00Prodependency Is Harmful <h1 style="text-align: left;"> "EVEN IF IT'S ALL COMPLETELY TRUE"</h1><p>Anyone else sick of sex addict men coming up with labels for traumatized women? </p><p>Let's talk "Prodependency" 😊 </p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><br /></p><p>For those who haven't heard it before, Prodependency is basically a made up word by sex addiction therapist Robert Weiss (NOT the same as Doug Weiss/Helping Her Heal. They are unrelated). Robert Weiss is an old school therapist like Patrick Carnes who also thinks masturbation can be healthy for some sex addicts, is a sex addict himself, and was huge into codependency... until he made up his own word that is. Prodependency is just codependency stealthily rebranded in shiny new stuff sold as if it's never been done before 😳. </p><p>Below are examples written by Robert weiss on Partner Hope. My favorite part is "--even if its all completely true". 😂 Ok, so we just can't CALL a wife codependent eeeeven if it's all completely true. As if THAT'S the only issue 🙌. Uh, no thanks Robert Weiss, we don't need another new name for codependency. </p><p>I don't care how someone repackages codependency, or adds shiny new stuff to it that make it more alluring, or adds content that seem true, its poop still stinks 😜</p><p>Us wives experience PTSD. Its trauma! Not Prodependency, Codependency, Co-addict, Trauma Bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, Hysteria or whatever else some sex addict MAN wants to call us wives. Let's just call it what it is, TRAUMA! We deserve better than to be blamed and pathologized 💗</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOmAAj_mXv2DRiEt4oTZlR-Ij8MIs0CuJxK_NMxoGGS5i-mssNZzCDLZdgQ5j2Ca1Jc6KJz7pywWpWphVKSSsrA3kEJ_E7zUwtk1wEs7uiwUQU-wQnK1C6eaT1CVNyv4EBMmP86bM1JsI/s1861/IMG_1602540589248.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1861" data-original-width="1074" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOmAAj_mXv2DRiEt4oTZlR-Ij8MIs0CuJxK_NMxoGGS5i-mssNZzCDLZdgQ5j2Ca1Jc6KJz7pywWpWphVKSSsrA3kEJ_E7zUwtk1wEs7uiwUQU-wQnK1C6eaT1CVNyv4EBMmP86bM1JsI/s320/IMG_1602540589248.jpg" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>I find it bizarre that he says the definition of codependency is rooted in trauma (calls it a deficit based trauma model) which isn't accurate at all. Codependency is instead rooted in the belief that someone is just as sick, addicted and diseased AS an addict. Codependency is a disease model, not trauma model. To learn more about what codependency really is, click <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1">HERE.</a> </span></p><p>He writes this too on his website prodependence.com :</p><p></p><blockquote><p><i>"Basically, loved ones of addicts are told that they are “codependent” and their efforts to help are counterproductive and facilitating (maybe even escalating) the problem. And that might in fact be the case. But even when it is, the general codependency belief that caregiving loved ones must “stop rescuing” and “detach with love” does not account for or even recognize the fact that they can’t stop caring for the addict any more than they can stop breathing. What they can do is learn to caretake prodependently—in ways that are more helpful to the addict, and by extension to themselves.</i></p><p><i>Interestingly, prodependence recommends and implements the same basic therapeutic actions as codependence—a fresh or renewed focus on self-care coupled with implementation of healthier boundaries.... "</i></p></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>So its just a more loving and gentle version of codependency. That's nice of him. </p><p><br /></p><p><u>Here he explains about Codependency :</u></p><p></p><blockquote><p><i>"Today, if you are the spouse, parent, sibling, or friend of an addict, you’ve almost certainly had perfectly loving people tell you to step away from the relationship, to stop rescuing, to stop enabling, to “detach with love,” and to “stop being so codependent.” If you’ve experienced this, you’ve likely asked, “How can I possibly abandon a person I love, especially in his or her time of need?”</i></p><p><i>&</i></p><p><i>"They also struggle with statements from therapists, friends, and family members telling them their efforts to care for the addict—perhaps taking on extra responsibilities and forgoing personal pleasures and development—indicate they are:</i></p><p><i>Obsessed with the addict and his or her behavior</i></p><p><i>Enmeshed with the addict</i></p><p><i>Enabling the addiction</i></p><p><i>Trying to control the addict’s thinking and behavior</i></p><p><i>&</i></p><p><i>"...flaws of the codependency model, which generally suggests that family members of addicts need to “detach with love” </i></p></blockquote><p></p><p>______</p><p><br /></p><p><u>Here he explains Prodependency:</u></p><p><br /></p><p></p><blockquote><p>Prodependency skills : <i>"These skills include, but are not limited to, setting boundaries, caring for oneself, and, when useful, detachment." </i></p><p><i>&</i></p><p><i>"Prodependence recognizes that loved ones of active addicts are perpetually in crisis mode. Naturally, they try to control the crisis. In the process, they sometimes panic and make bad decisions. They may overdo. They may help too much. They may help ineffectively. They may enable and appear to be pathologically enmeshed. "</i></p><p><i>&</i></p><p><i>" What about trauma? Don’t many spouses of addicts have early childhood trauma?</i></p><p><i>A: Yes, many spouses of addicts, much like addicts themselves, have had early or later-life traumatic experiences. In fact, these similar histories, both conscious and unconscious, are frequently part of what has bonded these people to one another. And some partners may act out elements of past trauma in the acute stages of the addict’s problems. This is unsurprising, considering the extremely stressful and overwhelming circumstances addictions produce. "</i></p></blockquote><p></p><p><br /></p><p>Does anyone else see the flaws here? First he states that saying codependent things to someone like "stop enabling" , “detach with love,” "they're enmeshed with the addict", "they help too much", etc are bad and harmful things to say. He says codependency is thought to be based on a person's childhood trauma they are re-experiencing. These are "bad" parts of codependency. </p><p>But then he goes on to talk about how one of the Prodependence skills are detachment, and that people with Prodependency "Naturally, they try to control the crisis. In the process, they sometimes panic and make bad decisions. They may overdo. They may help too much. They may help ineffectively. They may enable and appear to be pathologically enmeshed.". He ALSO points out that "Yes, many spouses of addicts, much like addicts themselves, have had early or later-life traumatic experiences. In fact, these similar histories, both conscious and unconscious, are frequently part of what has bonded these people to one another."......</p><p>Please tell me I'm not the only one seeing how he contradicts himself? 😂 ITS SO SUBTLE IT'S HARD TO PICK UP!!!!!!! My brain is fried from reading his stuff, because some of what he said SOUNDS so great (but something just feels so "off") .... but it really is just codependency, same basic treatment, except its packed in great sounding words and seen from a different perspective . He's just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole from the bottom up instead of from the top down, all while thinking how his view is "different". Of course it looks different, it's the same crap seen from a different angle 😜🤦♀️</p><p>I'm feeling gaslighted.. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-47233512301872157742020-09-19T18:37:00.026-07:002022-11-28T15:41:00.345-07:00Proof S-Anon Blames Trauma Victims <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu_0aSJIcXaALh3x0BW8dDb0ywUFYcR1Y8o2tfN4ontImOZZ_KmWYbYjFYT6dKBo1H8i6J9zqw2VsbEfGxfk1jMJMqB_sSHvyp4A4jZS3lra_8SFA-tKY7VW93Lulpy5fUOYLBrgQnvd4/s620/v5m38.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="464" data-original-width="620" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu_0aSJIcXaALh3x0BW8dDb0ywUFYcR1Y8o2tfN4ontImOZZ_KmWYbYjFYT6dKBo1H8i6J9zqw2VsbEfGxfk1jMJMqB_sSHvyp4A4jZS3lra_8SFA-tKY7VW93Lulpy5fUOYLBrgQnvd4/s320/v5m38.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Yes. Cat memes make me happy) </span></div><div><br /></div><div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-large;">S-Anon is victim blaming and codependency based, even if they don't use the word "codependency". </span></h1></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div>12 step groups for traumatized wives can be dangerous because they were made for addicts. Trauma victims deserve better than to be blamed and treated like part of the problem. If anyone tries to tell you that Sanon is different or that it doesn't blame the victim, refer them to these screenshots directly from S-Anons website and their latest blue 12 step book (page numbers are in red).</div><div><br /></div><div>**Added note: I'm not saying no one has ever been helped by the 12 steps. I have many Betrayed friends who's lives were saved by women in the 12 steps. 12 steps were literally all that they had back then, they didn't have better options. But now that we know better, we do better. Betrayed wives deserve the correct treatment 💗</div><p><br /></p><p>S-anon believes you are just as sick and diseased and addicted as your sex addict abusive partner. Whenever they talk about "your illness", this is what they mean:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMlifyGPpBfBwHCDnHJ4nVj29cCnKegg5X5bMHHWKAJobHjzCtCX2oV-EiY3ir8_BVHqm5OVkQ9es36ptYdI5pNPNDIRJWTFi7bybZvwVRe70TFn3TqJGMwkA4uYNYqjRgL83OnQ99sXE/s1072/Screenshot_20200920-152454.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="791" data-original-width="1072" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMlifyGPpBfBwHCDnHJ4nVj29cCnKegg5X5bMHHWKAJobHjzCtCX2oV-EiY3ir8_BVHqm5OVkQ9es36ptYdI5pNPNDIRJWTFi7bybZvwVRe70TFn3TqJGMwkA4uYNYqjRgL83OnQ99sXE/s320/Screenshot_20200920-152454.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>We chose our partners because of <i>our</i> problems? NO. We didn't. Statistically <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><u><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/03/90-99-of-men-regularly-view-pornography.html?m=1">90-99% of all men regularly look at pornography</a></u></span>, the odds are against ALL women. It's not a woman's fault a man chose to lie, cheat, and abuse:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinQ8Oiyp_S8T3t1bFQmRu1q4GVjG78qSfPnhQ9EJ9kM5sjlTfB4EhomujrwclFSAH7wnGLOsMrM8mGPcN4aZTQYqImawOWzc-V_UbRa8yTeq5PN61dNH2P7fkCqhGDQCYk7tw3A7C8dxM/s1908/IMG_1600563171376.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1908" data-original-width="1076" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinQ8Oiyp_S8T3t1bFQmRu1q4GVjG78qSfPnhQ9EJ9kM5sjlTfB4EhomujrwclFSAH7wnGLOsMrM8mGPcN4aZTQYqImawOWzc-V_UbRa8yTeq5PN61dNH2P7fkCqhGDQCYk7tw3A7C8dxM/s320/IMG_1600563171376.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>Many of us have the same characteristics as the addict abuser, and we too became ill? 🤔:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsdw5CwJ8f1avg7LHH8s2ESXQK4NEcq0Q9vvE_wdg9aKOBlJk4txfcBgN79VNhkVECxuSYzsEmaEn7OYpDTpbUqdbxRatXrSY3kiZsuWbJJcJmyeZhRlHsUrCJ5tfV6-d1SDQ6M4UNYu8/s1080/Screenshot_20200920-153035_Chrome.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="717" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsdw5CwJ8f1avg7LHH8s2ESXQK4NEcq0Q9vvE_wdg9aKOBlJk4txfcBgN79VNhkVECxuSYzsEmaEn7OYpDTpbUqdbxRatXrSY3kiZsuWbJJcJmyeZhRlHsUrCJ5tfV6-d1SDQ6M4UNYu8/s320/Screenshot_20200920-153035_Chrome.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>Yes, we must seek recovery from our "illness" ... by getting the exact same 12 step treatment as the addict abuser🤦♀️:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyEuGgiWD2qGjXqhN3Rox0Cn1EysMhzciHat_wLHUzoe8d1ukXL22AtL2LmgE2LgndGfQAgk85kojssY8-BhFQuFKjoj8FVYshn3X50yQIQ07IqIkiDeUExOjj6V1d19E66fheGX6xjcc/s1080/IMG_1600563551780.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="381" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyEuGgiWD2qGjXqhN3Rox0Cn1EysMhzciHat_wLHUzoe8d1ukXL22AtL2LmgE2LgndGfQAgk85kojssY8-BhFQuFKjoj8FVYshn3X50yQIQ07IqIkiDeUExOjj6V1d19E66fheGX6xjcc/s320/IMG_1600563551780.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">&<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsksH9axpAWtdgc5zUjQ4cBKYXzHCmCcAOSdHCOFaP5IyVMWLWo6mI3ikOliezfvVvcFSugRpNRCEudE7UwSmkf6dt7tO-3vl9iUD8ewfonIb83LFoaGNM_M1GveEf8bGW9yT1vdH9iDI/s1141/Screenshot_20200920-153429_Chrome.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1141" data-original-width="1077" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsksH9axpAWtdgc5zUjQ4cBKYXzHCmCcAOSdHCOFaP5IyVMWLWo6mI3ikOliezfvVvcFSugRpNRCEudE7UwSmkf6dt7tO-3vl9iUD8ewfonIb83LFoaGNM_M1GveEf8bGW9yT1vdH9iDI/s320/Screenshot_20200920-153429_Chrome.jpg" /></a></div><br /></div><br /><p>Our noble qualities perpetuated our illness.. (again, "our addiction"):</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgJPSM_1Pnf8jRT-6iwnglueJZdQ8lapakxl5VgRrkqcIFJsIy-curaI4Y38mjpxns5gl5HJnSCsWsC5-xQtd2Vew3LQwML3u1mUx_MPNx5CcdIyBWYHaDDyzmcpEq1rJhUw6f9w0MoRk/s1080/IMG_1600563565874.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="989" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgJPSM_1Pnf8jRT-6iwnglueJZdQ8lapakxl5VgRrkqcIFJsIy-curaI4Y38mjpxns5gl5HJnSCsWsC5-xQtd2Vew3LQwML3u1mUx_MPNx5CcdIyBWYHaDDyzmcpEq1rJhUw6f9w0MoRk/s320/IMG_1600563565874.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p>"Our illness" that led us to seek out rejection, victimization, and heartache. Not the abuser who chose to lie, cheat, and abuse us. No, it's OUR fault, our "illness" ...:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1k-DKEHPXf6VAlepgxwDKA883TiTOrIrZgzJUWyOvldNCk1w-CvDxLm34TIXa2PLXGUe8d73ksmp3BJhXwG5M_3KGxq1C8WIzhVtEXTcbUywat2z-i46eWJdx5XjuDy-rNkZ72Ebrf6A/s1080/IMG_1600563578881.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="798" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1k-DKEHPXf6VAlepgxwDKA883TiTOrIrZgzJUWyOvldNCk1w-CvDxLm34TIXa2PLXGUe8d73ksmp3BJhXwG5M_3KGxq1C8WIzhVtEXTcbUywat2z-i46eWJdx5XjuDy-rNkZ72Ebrf6A/s320/IMG_1600563578881.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>It took us a long time to see our part in the mess?? Also, we chose an addict abuser!?!? Oy, Abuse isn't a "two to tango" scenario🤦♀️ :<div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy4vFoLgkCHh4jkL-WlOP8GjZT8yETE9Le9dpcGOSbraTss6OBbEfgpfpANh2k-tISENwjgNL9ql5Kqs8mHNvY7y_qASBZaqGmvRdk7zq7cpQHZwm4TyuKiEMAduH7CWloQYC0MtPdCE/s1869/IMG_1600563623812.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1869" data-original-width="752" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy4vFoLgkCHh4jkL-WlOP8GjZT8yETE9Le9dpcGOSbraTss6OBbEfgpfpANh2k-tISENwjgNL9ql5Kqs8mHNvY7y_qASBZaqGmvRdk7zq7cpQHZwm4TyuKiEMAduH7CWloQYC0MtPdCE/s320/IMG_1600563623812.jpg" /></a></div><div><br /><p>Our "disease"..:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiepd7Fy5FU4tdmOTBM1JnEHCTKXtQ9N7jmoKfFTBZAUMGJa3xRl2h2XxoufIMLMj8NAsxJ4Rl9Ldvvll9d0T5o922xtkjM6Iap4tFABD2Yzdw53qhOl1sF1JzJWSFldwM-C_wHWzbf82I/s1071/IMG_1600563588253.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="643" data-original-width="1071" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiepd7Fy5FU4tdmOTBM1JnEHCTKXtQ9N7jmoKfFTBZAUMGJa3xRl2h2XxoufIMLMj8NAsxJ4Rl9Ldvvll9d0T5o922xtkjM6Iap4tFABD2Yzdw53qhOl1sF1JzJWSFldwM-C_wHWzbf82I/s320/IMG_1600563588253.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>Oh but make sure you don't revert back into your disease, otherwise that's considered a slip (you know, because you have an addiction😜) :</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTBZdCj6NP3EgOjyTsobZk6niydZPQTCVbNeikfA5I-JmIiPa6i02IB25oEqbc1NleJzFU_42iZbHOiOgSSv8xd7jIReohCFkdwVuJ1Q601jnnxup14o6HnB_ZJjpH6UzzaItSSdc3vCM/s1077/IMG_1600564011324.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="1077" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTBZdCj6NP3EgOjyTsobZk6niydZPQTCVbNeikfA5I-JmIiPa6i02IB25oEqbc1NleJzFU_42iZbHOiOgSSv8xd7jIReohCFkdwVuJ1Q601jnnxup14o6HnB_ZJjpH6UzzaItSSdc3vCM/s320/IMG_1600564011324.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>We often made a choice to be a victim? Apparently we are all so messed up we CHOSE to be abused! Because that makes sense...(To read why "victim" isn't a bad word, go <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/02/victim-is-not-weak-shameful-word.html?m=1">Here</a>)</span> :</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdJ1-LjITzhw8WydVZXXmn9pZLo8Euml8gJeqKzULcVg0tPKjDK9FJAcLVI91PpN2FsJHMmW7fheUvJcqQczZ7EjmNq5omCgGM0TrChpGgcIqqobZkFwF-nu2k5qQDMKcpIOAAqQjtMAo/s1181/IMG_1600563638543.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1181" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdJ1-LjITzhw8WydVZXXmn9pZLo8Euml8gJeqKzULcVg0tPKjDK9FJAcLVI91PpN2FsJHMmW7fheUvJcqQczZ7EjmNq5omCgGM0TrChpGgcIqqobZkFwF-nu2k5qQDMKcpIOAAqQjtMAo/s320/IMG_1600563638543.jpg" /></a></div><div>If you don't forgive then you are CHOOSING to reject freedom and remain a victim: </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi9mFMVmx7YzdDdP8qKq7N1dIV594fXKCInyZxkp-51hx-QtpFxIOtaxJn0kqhpyfLL5Bt3A9W173yriz3ZkvYh2ay89aPDIdT4hi7XOIYxCg-OgqgGyOpAlF8LQMTZSmmVOvKFSOoH-b9XcfX1Y1EBY0ltQnx-UOFr_2CSFyZ0ppF-sl5JsCRqBdc/s1080/Screenshot_20221128_144240.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="1080" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi9mFMVmx7YzdDdP8qKq7N1dIV594fXKCInyZxkp-51hx-QtpFxIOtaxJn0kqhpyfLL5Bt3A9W173yriz3ZkvYh2ay89aPDIdT4hi7XOIYxCg-OgqgGyOpAlF8LQMTZSmmVOvKFSOoH-b9XcfX1Y1EBY0ltQnx-UOFr_2CSFyZ0ppF-sl5JsCRqBdc/s320/Screenshot_20221128_144240.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>You drove yourself into unworkable relationships. You also put yourself into the position of victim, rescuer, and persecutor, which Sanon took from the "Drama Triangle" . To read why the drama triangle is victim blaming, read <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><u><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1">HERE</a></u></span> </div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTlKVs80KjjsJ-GnduEJqGDgpYwwvKbbFgRW2S2ggRlSNRWg7b2SHASoavDIH6a2zgGdtJ97r-Dh4DcCsfHRKhd2zXm3K1tT2VFoQHZ_6xk2uxypGzowhKb6qLLa0z1Ac8u6eER2Ezbr--vjzkkK6Z3Q7Oadwt0AwyCMUqriHeBh9d9LXmES0U_jdm/s1258/Screenshot_20221128_143010.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1258" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTlKVs80KjjsJ-GnduEJqGDgpYwwvKbbFgRW2S2ggRlSNRWg7b2SHASoavDIH6a2zgGdtJ97r-Dh4DcCsfHRKhd2zXm3K1tT2VFoQHZ_6xk2uxypGzowhKb6qLLa0z1Ac8u6eER2Ezbr--vjzkkK6Z3Q7Oadwt0AwyCMUqriHeBh9d9LXmES0U_jdm/s320/Screenshot_20221128_143010.jpg" width="275" /></a></div><div><br /></div>Your fault, your fault, your fault!:</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZgDMROO1TE9aQklaoQ_JadbNUKdI7-_EsAVDk-dn2rqwRay10mYe3ufiNTT3qf8ToK__K7vORlgzo-dqd6oGByhRqTALk_IxrOmO5A5uX3hV2w-I6YdIN7weohO7vw4tohcPn5DyZMMyidHllz4dxe444A6ZE4BNPUbIa2wGHQMVcfaFLzZVkuqyV/s1182/Screenshot_20221128_144514.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1182" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZgDMROO1TE9aQklaoQ_JadbNUKdI7-_EsAVDk-dn2rqwRay10mYe3ufiNTT3qf8ToK__K7vORlgzo-dqd6oGByhRqTALk_IxrOmO5A5uX3hV2w-I6YdIN7weohO7vw4tohcPn5DyZMMyidHllz4dxe444A6ZE4BNPUbIa2wGHQMVcfaFLzZVkuqyV/s320/Screenshot_20221128_144514.jpg" width="292" /></a></div><br /><div><br /><p>Suicidal because of YOUR unmanageability. You did it to yourself.:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGBxBtYMdARNKFXesvLgXKchzlDcImpOX6Z-R29kuv6ssbRbu5FBfooUmrIU259rb0S1En6c12GalkijyrLsf7MU5V87x1rl7rfuPgJxmT00WQIZi1PJJOTAT-DKw9UlNvGORhL4f9gz6LWggPaYgtpJfPZrtwwOojNafCUlmBoLMGDObCGn5XIaWR/s1583/Screenshot_20221128_143200.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1583" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGBxBtYMdARNKFXesvLgXKchzlDcImpOX6Z-R29kuv6ssbRbu5FBfooUmrIU259rb0S1En6c12GalkijyrLsf7MU5V87x1rl7rfuPgJxmT00WQIZi1PJJOTAT-DKw9UlNvGORhL4f9gz6LWggPaYgtpJfPZrtwwOojNafCUlmBoLMGDObCGn5XIaWR/s320/Screenshot_20221128_143200.jpg" width="218" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>There's more examples of awfulness, I just couldn't.... <span style="font-size: x-large;">😳🤢🤦♀️</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqztWVbXwmfamkbNZg-stwcRfh2mZM9gorIlX9Howl-G77VMbW7_IyFXfFSI-hP3IOPJgPr-GaKlYr_2Pc0gjRKHTZLYzslgvydnVs3V6HMbxZ66JuXyGj3dwN1EFEJLqfOCJIZ_IMV9U/s248/tenor.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="248" data-original-width="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqztWVbXwmfamkbNZg-stwcRfh2mZM9gorIlX9Howl-G77VMbW7_IyFXfFSI-hP3IOPJgPr-GaKlYr_2Pc0gjRKHTZLYzslgvydnVs3V6HMbxZ66JuXyGj3dwN1EFEJLqfOCJIZ_IMV9U/s0/tenor.gif" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p> FYI: Sometimes I hear "Well, my Sanon group wasn't victim blaming, we didn't use the Sanon blue book". But according to Sanon, if an Sanon group doesn't use the 12 steps, Sanon blue book, and abide by the 12 traditions, then they are not following the Sanon requirements and rules, and therefore "the group is not operating as an Sanon group" - Sanon.</p><div dir="rtl" style="text-align: right;"><br /><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div><p></p></div></div>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-57469143694593837052019-11-23T01:47:00.013-07:002023-08-17T16:35:55.592-07:00How To Tell If Your Therapist Is Covertly Victim Blaming<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://fineartamerica.com/featured/praise-him-in-the-storm-emily-smith.html" target="_blank"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><img alt="https://fineartamerica.com/featured/praise-him-in-the-storm-emily-smith.html" border="0" data-original-height="765" data-original-width="1600" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbwWHvA18s9pVF2SFDAPRUYxYIUNieWt1G8-2hhcJ0hcLO4wH28VOjZL_BisiwrG5EMCFN-T-VsE4KOa1RpOl9m-PkPXed5igyH0-u-gvFlG0-HC2IRV1gsBH6EJMGv7y1FzCe0hk7obs/s640/20191126_125905.jpg" title="Art by Emily Jean Smith" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: black; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> A recent poll suggests that 93% of betrayed wives have had an experience with a therapist blaming them by using the codependency model in the last five years. Another ongoing poll indicates 74% of wives have had experiences with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) who still use victim blaming modalities like the codependency model. This is shocking because CSATs "claim" they've been trained in the trauma model and the facilitator of the CSAT training, Dr. Stephanie Carnes, has even recently stated on a podcast that only 1-2% of CSATs still use the codependency model. Why the discrepancy? </span><br />
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: black; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sadly many therapists SAY they understand trauma and use the trauma model</span>, but will still covertly use the outdated
<a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1" target="_blank">codependency model</a> (they just won't mention the actual word
"codependency"), and other victim blaming labels like, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1" target="_blank">Trauma Bonding</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1" target="_blank">Stockholm Syndrome</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1" target="_blank">Prodependency</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1" target="_blank">Drama Triangle</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1" target="_blank">Learned Helplessness</a>, <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1">Reactive Abuse</a>, etc. This leaves many unsuspecting traumatized
wives following the codependent/victim blaming beliefs, and in danger of being re-traumatized by
a well-intentioned therapist.</div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: black; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This doesn't automatically mean every therapist
who gives out this advice is "bad," it just means they don't yet
fully understand trauma and need further education so they don't continue to
inadvertently harm their patients (and I mean more trauma education <i>outside</i> of the Carnes sphere, like maybe Response Based Practice, perhaps?😊). I’m not saying to instantly leave your
therapist, I’m just saying to educate yourself on victim blaming language and
ideas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="color: black; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Knowing these warning signs can help protect you
so you can better know when to stand up for yourself. </span><span face=""segoe ui symbol" , "sans-serif"" style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI Symbol"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">💗</span><span face=""arial" , "sans-serif"" style="color: black; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: black; font-size: x-large; font-weight: normal;">What is the victim blaming language that
you should be aware of? Here are the most commonly used phrases and ideas, followed at the end by a break down of each one :</span></h2>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="color: black; font-size: large; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><i style="font-weight: normal;"><u>If a therapist ever:</u></i></span></h3>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">1.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Implies <i>you,</i> the victim, have been
abusive in any way, or that you both have been abusive to each other, aka.
"<a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1" target="_blank">Mutual Abuse" or "Reactive Abuse</a>"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">2.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Refuses to acknowledge
that a lot of the sex addicts behavior is abusive to his partner and family, believes calling the addicts
behaviors abusive is "too shaming" for the addict, refrains from
using the word abuse, doesn't acknowledge the gaslighting, minimizes husbands
behavior, tells you to forgive your husband and move on (ie. the "past is
in the past,”), etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">3.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Doesn’t put your safety
FIRST. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">a.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Discourages you against
separation or divorce or anything that will help you be safe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">b.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Doesn't understand how
the addict’s acting out or negative behaviors are extremely dangerous to you
and/or your kids. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">4.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Discourages
internet/device monitoring or filtering (aka discourages anything that
resembles “snooping” or “policing”), says monitoring is controlling or
"What's the point? You can't control him, he's going to find a way to act
out anyway. He should be the one to do that himself," etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">5. </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Tells you that you're Trauma Bonded, have Stockholm Syndrome, learned helplessness, are addicted to your spouse, etc. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">6.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Uses the Karpman <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1" target="_blank">Drama Triangle</a> (or pursuer/rescuer/distancer/victim-aggressor type language) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">7.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Implies your emotions
are shaming.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">a.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Advises you not to show
anger or strong emotion after he relapses or abuses you, “It'll only shame him.”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l3 level4 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">b.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Believes your reactions
are what caused him to act out or feel shame & insecurity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: 1.0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l3 level4 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">c.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Blames you in <u>any</u> way
for your husband’s actions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">8.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Says or implies that you
are NOT a victim, insinuates being a victim is negative and weak, talks about the word
“victim” as if it's a mood, stance, or state of mind, implies you're in victim-mode or victim mentality, tells you to stop
“playing the victim”, or "It's tempting to be a victim", etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">9.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Wants you to join a
12-Step group. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">10.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Tells you you’re both
equally unhealthy:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">a.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Uses words that implies
you and your husband BOTH played a part in this or are on equal ground (ie.
“We’re all sinners,” “It takes two to tango,” etc.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">b.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Asks you to list out
YOUR faults so “you can be accountable too”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">11.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Discourages you from
asking certain details about his disclosure, implying it’ll only cause you more
“pain”, (ie. Handling you with kid gloves), and/OR tells the addict that they
don't have to tell you details of their acting out “because it might be too ’triggering’ for them to
re-live.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">12.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Says you chose him on
some level because of your own issues. You “knew”:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">a.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Insists your issues, or
your childhood dynamic, is why you married a dysfunctional person, and/or why
you didn't see his behaviors for what they were, didn't know he was lying,
didn't set boundaries or enabled him, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .75in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo5; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">b.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">OR that he chose you
because you were weak/had a history of abuse etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">13.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Uses lingo like stay on
“your side of the street” (lane, grass, etc) and basically encourages you to
not focus on anything he's doing, implies you aren't doing "your
part" in the marriage and/or aren’t “meeting your husband in the middle”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">14.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Promotes "Prodependency"
(which is a nicer stealthier version of codependency, but still victim blaming)</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">15.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Calls <i>your</i> behaviors a
"relapse/slip". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">16.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Uses words like
"Attachment issue/ wound/ disorder" when explaining your trauma. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">17.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Doesn't want you to make
any big decisions for 6-12 months, OR wants you to wait 6-12 months for a full
disclosure<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">18.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Believes polygraphs
aren't going to help you or the addict. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">19.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Suggests you have
sexual/intimacy anorexia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">20.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Advises you not to tell
anyone about his addiction without his permission, it’s “not your story to
tell.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">21.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Encourages you to find
ways to connect to your husband (ie. date night, etc.) DESPITE the fact that
he's been rude, acting out, lying, gaslighting, defensive, pressuring you, abusive, etc., and hasn't done the necessary things to become a safe person. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">22.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Your therapy or marriage
therapy is centered around what will, ultimately, help HIM and his addiction, OR, on the flip side, your therapist doesn’t want you to ever mention him at
all, "only focus on you". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">23.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Gives you the impression
it’s your fault you don’t trust him. Tries to guilt you into believing your
husband is doing so great, ie. "Do you see him crying right now, look how
vulnerable he is, this is a man in recovery. Why are you still so apprehensive?
Why don’t you trust him? He’s doing great!" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">24.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Wants you to accept slips
& relapses and says they are a part of recovery, believes masturbation for
a sex addict is healthy, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">25.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Believes the
codependency model and the trauma model can be used together, and doesn’t have
to be either/or.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l4 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">26.<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Recommends the Facing
Heartbreak workbook by Dr. Stephanie Carnes (or any Carnes book), or uses language from it like "secret cloak-like behaviors",
“Crazy-making reactive choices” which are part of the “toxic dance”, "Dagger-like behaviors:......"A
dagger brings to mind the potential for pain and damage....emotions that are
not expressed appropriately in the relationship can "cut" the
addict....Circle all the destructive dagger-like behaviors you have used when
reacting to your partner’s sex addiction". Some of the behaviors listed in
the workbook are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 1.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 1pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo4; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Snooping<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Searching files<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Canceling magazine
subscriptions<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Searching the home<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Searching his phone<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Installing computer
Spyware <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">(FYI, this is also
called Monitoring software) <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Hiring a private
detective<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Throwing away porn
stashes<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Yelling<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Silence<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Blaming<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Gaining Weight (!!!?)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Profanity <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Telling children of
partner’s addictions<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Calling addict names <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Threats of telling
church leaders <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Monitoring progress with
anger<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .05pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 0.05pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "wingdings";">§<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span face=""arial" , sans-serif">Interrogating</span></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--></span><span face=""arial" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Demands for attention </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<h4>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Now, let's talk about why these things are
harmful for a therapist to promote:</i></span></span></h4>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]-->Self-Defense : "a countermeasure that involves defending the
health and well-being of oneself from harm." </span></blockquote>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Sometimes a therapist
will claim that a wife was being abusive, as well, when she yelled back,
slapped, or pushed her husband. Let’s get one thing straight here, there is no
such thing as mutual abuse. Someone will always have more power in the
relationship. For example, If a husband repeatedly abuses his wife for years
(mentally, emotionally or physically) and in a bout of gaslighting her during
an argument she screams at him to stop lying and throws something across the
room, this is called a self-defense reaction. No one is saying it's the
"best" response, but it's self-defense NOT mutual abuse. Let’s say
this same wife tries to walk away to get into a safer space and the husband
blocks the doorway, refusing to let her leave and she screams and pushes him?
Again, this is self-defense. Both times her safety was threatened. The problem
in that situation isn't the wife, her anger, her trauma or anything to do with
her. The problem is the abuser who is harming her. Read these :</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-2-reactive-abuse-or.html?m=1</a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">&</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><a href="https://www.loveisrespect.org/content/myth-of-mutual-abuse/"><span style="color: blue;">https://www.loveisrespect.org/content/myth-of-mutual-abuse/</span></a></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]-->It is abusive when an addict continually lies, manipulates, &
gaslights their partner. Plain and simple. This should be common sense by now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Are Porn Users Abusive? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><a href="https://www.btr.org/are-porn-users-abusive/"><span style="color: blue;">https://www.btr.org/are-porn-users-abusive/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Are Pornography &
Infidelity Abusive To Your Spouse </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><a href="https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/"><span style="color: blue;">https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">3 Reasons Why
Pornography Is An Abuse Issue </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><a href="https://www.btr.org/3-reasons-why-pornography-is-an-abuse-issue/"><span style="color: blue;">https://www.btr.org/3-reasons-why-pornography-is-an-abuse-issue/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->You are the victim. Your
husband is the perpetrator. The victim’s safety should ALWAYS come first, even
if it means separation or divorce. An addict’s acting out and abusive behaviors
are extremely dangerous to the welfare and safety of the family. I've known
mothers who have passed on an STD to their newborn child, become infertile,
ended up with cancer, had a child molest a sibling, become depressed, become
unable to do normal daily tasks, developed autoimmune disorders, etc. (the list
is endless) all because of a husband’s acting out & abuse. Pornography
itself is the only drug in existence that is evil, and from personal experience from being hooked on a drug 50x more potent than heroin, pornography is far more addictive. <u>We must take this seriously. </u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Part of this safety
includes being able to do anything and everything possible to protect one's
self and one's home from pornography and/or abuse. Wives have a fundamental
right to know what danger their husbands are putting them and their children
in. More explanation here: To Filter or Not
<a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/to-filter-or-not-part-2-is-computer.html?m=1"><span style="color: blue;">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/to-filter-or-not-part-2-is-computer.html?m=1</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">5. <u style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Stockholm Syndrome</u><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">:</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> "'Stockholm Syndrome' was invented in 1973 after a hostage taking at a bank in central Stockholm, Sweden. One of the hostages, Kristin Enmark, criticized police and government responses as dangerous and disorganized and [for being] aligned tactically with the hostage takers. </span></i></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">After the hostage taking, Kristin became the first person said to have “Stockholm Syndrome”, a new label invented just for the occasion. Since then, “Stockholm Syndrome” has become a received truth, a concept that both reflects and upholds the habit of finding pathologies in the minds of victims of violence, particularly women. Oddly, the psychiatrist who coined the term “Stockholm Syndrome” never spoke with Kristin Enmark. Neither have present day experts who present misinformation and perpetuate the myth."</span></span></i><br /><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-small; text-indent: -0.25in;"><a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4HFJkbCc">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4HFJkbCc</a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-small;"> &</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-small;"> <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1" target="_blank">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-4-stockholm-syndrome.html?m=1</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><u>Trauma Bond :</u></span><br /><span style="font-size: x-small; text-indent: -0.25in;">The term "Trauma Bond" is incredibly victim blaming and a dangerous term for abuse victims. I'm not saying people can't bond while in trauma, that definitely happens and is a good thing. I'm referring to the term Trauma Bonding created by Patrick Carnes and influenced by the bogus Stockholm Syndrome. </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">To put it simply, the whole foundation behind Trauma Bonding is that there is something wrong with the woman (victim) and THAT'S why she stays with an abuser. Ie. She has childhood trauma, and that's why she accepts the abuse / She has a mental disorder, and that's why she accepts abuse / She has insecurities, and that's why... etc etc. This is complete bulls** and is wrong. </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-small;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-6-trauma-bonded.html?m=1</span></a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"> <u>Learned Helplessness:</u></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"> <span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1" target="_blank">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-5-learned.html?m=1</a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> <u>Prodependency:</u></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> <span style="color: #2b00fe; font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1" target="_blank">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</a></span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">6.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Involvement in a Drama
Triangle is not something another person is doing to you, it's something you
are equally doing WITH another person. It implies that both people are acting
upon their own selfish needs. The reasons BEHIND the drama triangle are
completely different than an abuser-victim situation where the victim is being
injured and is not on equal ground with the abuser. Even the creator of the Drama Triangle stated that the "Victim" in the triangle is not a real victim and is just playing one. Therefore, if your spouse is abusive, you are NOT in the drama triangle. </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-3-drama-triangle.html?m=1</span></a></span></div>
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</span><!--[endif]-->It's perfectly healthy
and understandable for a wife to be angry, scream out in pain, yell expletives,
etc. after she's repeatedly been run over by a diesel truck… which her
"drunk" husband was driving. If a husband didn't want his wife to be
angry, he shouldn't have betrayed her. Furthermore, a wife’s natural reaction
to being run over is NOT what creates an addict to feel shame, to act out, or
to have insecurities. Addicts felt shame, acted out, and were insecure long
before they met their wives. Blaming the wife would be like me punching you,
and after you said "OUCH, why did you do that!???“ I started crying and
replied "Why are you so mean to me!??? Why can't I do anything right in
your eyes?". Also see #1 about self-defense. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">8.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->When did “victim” become
such a negative thing? "Victim" is simply a word used to describe a
person who has been harmed, injured, attacked, or fooled by someone or
something else. It doesn't define who a person is. It's not a mood or frame of mind. It doesn't mean weakness. Also, the term "victim mode" is for someone who acts like a victim who is NOT a victim. If you truly are a victim, by definition you cannot "act like a victim" or be in victim mode. </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> When Did Victim Become A
Bad Word?<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201504/when-did-victim-become-bad-word?amp" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201504/when-did-victim-become-bad-word?amp</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">9.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->12-Step groups for wives
are ALL codependency-based, whether they use the word or not. They were CREATED
from the belief that wives are just as diseased and addicted as the addict,
therefore, needing 12-Step just like the addict. (Yes, even S-Anon, who doesn't
use the actual word codependency, but S-anon still believes wives are just as
"diseased" as the addict.) Picture from Sanon book :</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2020/09/proof-s-anon-blames-trauma-victims.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2020/09/proof-s-anon-blames-trauma-victims.html?m=1</span></a><br />
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">10.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Just read these: </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> History of Codependency and why it isn't real</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> Codependency Harms</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> <span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1</a> </span> </span> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Do I Attract Sex Addicts </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in;"><a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-i-subconsciously-attract-sex-addicts.html?m=1"><span style="color: blue;">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-i-subconsciously-attract-sex-addicts.html?m=1</span></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">11.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->It's 100% up to the wife
how many details she wants or needs to hear. "Disclosure to the partner is
also a question of ethics. As human beings, we are all entitled to certain
rights. Among these is the right to relationship choice and freedom from
exploitation in relationship. Informed consent is a concept which entitles each
partner to all information which bears upon the other person’s well-being,
including their rightful choice to continue in a relationship. This is a
fundamental individual right. Keeping
someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation. Every partner is ethically entitled to
relationship-relevant information and the freedom to make decisions based on
this information. Relationship decisions are rightly made by both adult partners.
If the sex addict keeps secrets in order to maintain the relationship, control
is unjustly seized by the addict – a paternalistic abuse of power."
<a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20160608003650/http://newyorkpathways.com/blog/disclosure-and-sex-addiction-by-michael-reilly/"><span style="color: blue;">https://web.archive.org/web/20160608003650/http://newyorkpathways.com/blog/disclosure-and-sex-addiction-by-michael-reilly/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">12.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Again, just read these : </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">History of Codependency and WHY it isn't real</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> Codependency Harms:
<span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1</a> </span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Do I Attract Sex Addicts
<a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-i-subconsciously-attract-sex-addicts.html?m=1"><span style="color: blue;">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-i-subconsciously-attract-sex-addicts.html?m=1</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">13.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->It's kind of difficult
to "stay on your side of the street" or "mind your own
business" when your husband is flinging his crap all over you. This lingo
came from codependency-based 12-Step groups. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">14.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Prodependency was
created by Dr Robert Weiss. Here's examples of what he's said that is victim blaming ** FYI, I do <u><i>NOT</i></u> recommend Rob Weiss in any capacity </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">:</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-7-prodependency.html?m=1</span></a></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">15.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->A wife is not the same
as the addict. The wife is not the perpetrator. Her actions or intentions
behind those actions are not the same as a "slip/relapse." Addiction
lingo should not be used for wives with trauma & PTSD! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">16.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->When someone injures you
it's not because <i>you</i> have an "attachment issue". Plain and simple. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">17.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Refer back to #10. A
wife shouldn't be kept in a marriage under false pretenses. Plus, it doesn't
take an addict 6-12 months to be honest, that's ridiculous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">18.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Polygraphs have helped
so many wives AND addicts. Heck, I think the polygraph helped my husband more
than it did me. : </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> Should A Husband Take a Polygraph?
<a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/08/should-my-husband-take-polygraph.html?m=1"><span style="color: blue;">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/08/should-my-husband-take-polygraph.html?m=1</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">19.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Sadly, therapist Doug
Weiss labels wives with "Intimacy Anorexia" all the time 😔. If a wife doesn't feel safe having sex with her husband, for ANY
reason, then she DOESN'T HAVE STUPID SEXUAL ANOREXIA. She's just wanting to
stay safe! ** FYI, I do <i><u>NOT</u></i> recommend Doug Weiss in any capacity<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">20.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->It became YOUR story the
second he chose to betray you and put you in danger. You can talk to anyone and
everyone you want about what happened to you 💗💗💗. If someone mugged you, would you think it reasonable for the mugger (or anyone) to ask you not to tell people what he did to you? I think not 😊. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">21.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Why would anyone in
their right mind tell an injured victim to spend MORE time with their abuser
who is still abusive and unsafe? In what world would that ever be healthy!?!???
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">22.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Both extremes are
harmful to traumatized wives. Many sex addiction therapists are trained to help
the addict (help the addict get sober, help the wife better respond to the
addict, help the wife fix her "issues" so she doesn't trigger the
addict, etc). This is called "Addict-Centric". But, on the flip side,
some therapists also will tell the wife not to pay attention to anything her
husband is doing and only focus on herself (which is also addict-centric). But,
like #12 states, it's kind of hard to "mind your own business" when the addict is
flinging his crap all over you. Plus, even if you COULD mind your own business,
that doesn't mean you necessarily should. "Never focusing on the
addict" is like telling someone to not focus on the shark swimming
around them. It's kiinda important to
know where the shark <i>is</i> so you know where to swim away or how fast to build a
cage, eh?😜 <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">23.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->When the person you
loved the most runs you over with a diesel truck, repeatedly, <i>should</i> you trust
them!??? Trust is earned. If an addict wants to be trusted, they should prove
they are a trustworthy person. Trust is never something that someone should be
forced or pressured into. When an addict is truly a safe person, trust will
naturally come. Refer to #20. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">24.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Slips and relapses (or
ANY acting out) are NEVER a part of the recovery process. You can't act out and still be sober or IN recovery. Does acting out sometimes happen if an addict chooses to? Yes addicts sometimes choose this, it but it should <u>never</u> be expected or tolerated. </span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"> What is Recovery? Read this list :</div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"> <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2015/08/wanna-know-what-grande-ol-mystery-to.html?m=1">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2015/08/wanna-know-what-grande-ol-mystery-to.html?m=1</a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> All About Slips,
Lapses, & Relapses
<a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/what-do-slip-lapses-and-relapses-all.html?m=1"><span style="color: blue;">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/11/what-do-slip-lapses-and-relapses-all.html?m=1</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">25.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->The codependency model
and the trauma model are TWO completely different things. Entirely different.
Like oil and water. There's no way for them to be hybrid, they contradict each
other :</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> History of Codependency and why it isn't real</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2021/05/victim-blaming-post-1-codependency.html?m=1</span></a></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> Codependency Harms</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 4.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; margin: 0in 0in 4pt 0.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"> <a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1"><span style="color: blue;">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2018/10/codependency-harms.html?m=1</span></a> </span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">26.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Although, Stephanie
Carnes came out and "said" she never liked the codependency model and
is pro-trauma model now, what she REALLY has done is just slapped the word
"trauma" over the codependency model. Just switched those two words
and BAM, she's now a trauma therapist! 🙋♀️👍 In her Facing
Heartbreak workbook, behaviors like "Searching files, searching the home,
searching his phone, installing computer Spyware, hiring a private detective,
adopting a victim stance (😂huh? We ARE victims,
wth?), yelling, silence, blaming, gaining weight (Whaaat!?? 😳), telling children, telling church leaders",...the list goes
on and on. Aren't those such amazing gems? The whole workbook has little gems
like this woven into it. So ladies, shame on you for choosing to engage in such
"toxic crazy-making reactions". Don't ever try to find the truth for
yourself in order to keep yourself and your home SAFE. Don't you dare gain
weight while in trauma, that would be a dagger-like behavior and would cut the
addict and hurt both of you, and don't blame him for something he really did
do, that's bad. Also, even though you're in such horrible pain and trauma and
are so confused and gaslit you don't know up from down, DON'T EVEN THINK about
having any negative emotions that could lead to yelling, profanity, or even
telling your children, church leaders, or basically ANYONE, because that would
be viewed, by your husband, as a threat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , sans-serif"> BOTTOM LINE, if you’re still unsure, the best
way to know if your therapist is using the codependency model is to ask
yourself after the therapist gives you advice - "Would this therapist say
the same thing to me had I been brutally raped?". If the answer is
"No", then chances are the advice is rooted in victim blaming beliefs.</span><span face=""segoe ui symbol" , sans-serif">💗💗</span><span face=""arial" , sans-serif"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<a href="http://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="301" data-original-width="450" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPFgzzbXviaUtocnDZhpEZBrDVcOGPUg91x9AdoQPUSHindDrDdWhcsHbGxxBAT6TdMxFHmdvexGqNaE9yrGmMqfgjrO4t3x_SlM5UxNcZJe84iJdXNg1dNm5YfAOnLow0IIf1O_I6kg/s320/32755731-silhouette-of-six-young-women-walking-hand-in-hand.jpg" title="Women united" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>***Special thanks to all the amazing courageous women who helped me. I love my tribe💖</i></span><br />
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Resources:</span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">How To Find A Therapist </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/11/how-to-find-therapist-to-vet.html?m=1"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2022/11/how-to-find-therapist-to-vet.html?m=1</span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">&</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><a href="https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2017/05/08/finding-a-good-counselor/?fbclid=IwAR1L5qKUZEDiAiwPEOZo0ErqkQw65s5oH7IYpr50wS4LTHiJjfd1n9ZG104"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2017/05/08/finding-a-good-counselor/?fbclid=IwAR1L5qKUZEDiAiwPEOZo0ErqkQw65s5oH7IYpr50wS4LTHiJjfd1n9ZG104</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;">A Needed Change by Barbara Steffens<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20151209031136/https:/drbarbarasteffens.com/partner-sensitive-sexual-addiction-treatment-a-needed-change/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">https://web.archive.org/web/20151209031136/https://drbarbarasteffens.com/partner-sensitive-sexual-addiction-treatment-a-needed-change/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I Am Not A Co-Addict (Codependent)
and Neither Are You<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://livingwithasexaddict.com/2016/02/14/i-am-not-a-co-addict-and-neither-are-you/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">https://livingwithasexaddict.com/2016/02/14/i-am-not-a-co-addict-and-neither-are-you/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Blaming the Victim: Domestic
Violence and the Codependency Model - PDF Download<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://aic.gov.au/sites/default/files/publications/proceedings/downloads/27-dear.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjtrLCWvYTaAhUJ92MKHU52BpEQFjAAegQIRBAB&usg=AOvVaw2JYWUVYf6_8d76-UW2yDn8" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://aic.gov.au/sites/default/files/publications/proceedings/downloads/27-dear.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjtrLCWvYTaAhUJ92MKHU52BpEQFjAAegQIRBAB&usg=AOvVaw2JYWUVYf6_8d76-UW2yDn8</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">Are Pornography & Infidelity Abusive to Your Spouse? Podcast/article with Dr. Omar Minwalla (I no longer recommend Minwalla, however this article is still good) </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><a href="https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/">https://www.btr.org/is-pornography-use-abusive-to-your-spouse/</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;">What's Wrong With Codependency <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://www.btr.org/whats-wrong-with-codependency/" target="_blank">https://www.btr.org/whats-wrong-with-codependency/</a></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The Truth About 12 Steps<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug" target="_blank">https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug</a></span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;">How The Codependency Model Perpetuates Abuse</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://www.muchnessmama.com/head-above-water-how-the-codependent-model-perpetuates-abuse/?fbclid=IwAR0vSgDL2hiMSoj0hFrSgFVmfIDUCaIi77flOZUClS137-zVjNidMXBulqU">https://www.muchnessmama.com/head-above-water-how-the-codependent-model-perpetuates-abuse/?fbclid=IwAR0vSgDL2hiMSoj0hFrSgFVmfIDUCaIi77flOZUClS137-zVjNidMXBulqU</a></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/cf0b/55cfac747f511732f2739f12baa83a4cee0e.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiDjer0govmAhUSpJ4KHbdNDMcQFjAJegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw13s4gcIS__AucnvkHJFxBL">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/cf0b/55cfac747f511732f2739f12baa83a4cee0e.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiDjer0govmAhUSpJ4KHbdNDMcQFjAJegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw13s4gcIS__AucnvkHJFxBL</a></span><br />
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<a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=mRWtAgAAQBAJ&pg=PT121&lpg=PT121&dq=Futterman+codepend&source=bl&ots=yokI_YnAAB&sig=F9YbY3Ts7Ka3L5oikQOzHzLUMpc&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjH66C68ZzaAhXC64MKHUGfBrQQ6AEwA3oECGAQAQ#v=onepage&q=Futterman%20codepend&f=false"><span style="color: blue;">https://books.google.com/books?id=mRWtAgAAQBAJ&pg=PT121&lpg=PT121&dq=Futterman+codepend&source=bl&ots=yokI_YnAAB&sig=F9YbY3Ts7Ka3L5oikQOzHzLUMpc&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjH66C68ZzaAhXC64MKHUGfBrQQ6AEwA3oECGAQAQ#v=onepage&q=Futterman%20codepend&f=false</span></a></div>
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<br />Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-55426525112060704992018-10-25T12:09:00.014-07:002023-02-05T01:46:23.976-07:00Codependency Harms<div dir="ltr">
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-large;">History of Codependency</span></span></h2><div><span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The term codependency (or co-addict) was a word made up by a bunch of addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what they considered to be obsession, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery. These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict 😢</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif">However, over the years more therapists have come to realize that family members of addicts WEREN'T actually exhibiting addict or diseased behaviors, but were instead experiencing trauma/PTSD, just like a rape victim or war veteran. Family members didn't have a disease, they were simply INJURED --- the cause is external and not a direct result of one's internal issues. </span></span></div><div dir="ltr"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The codependency label is not only an incorrect label to automatically apply to betrayed victims of sex addict abusers, but has the possibility of being very dangerous because it places undue blame on wives for their completely natural reactions to being injured by their husband's choices. Most behaviors thought of as codependency (hypervigilance/ obsession, worrying about what a spouse thinks, lack of boundaries, being controlled by an addict, "loving" the addict more than they love you, etc.) are instead natural NORMAL symptoms of a trauma injury, much like screaming out in pain or being full of fear after being run over by a semi truck, and they are NOT because wives are doing something "wrong". We wouldn't tell someone who was just run over by a semi truck that their natural reaction to pain means there's something inherently wrong with them, would we? 💗 </span></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-large;">Top 4 Myths of The Codependency Model </span></span></h2>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Myth #1 Wives Allow Their Husband's To Mistreat Them (Ie. Wives are partly to blame for doing nothing to stop it)</span></b></span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7PPN3Sy0kfw_7qoqJNVF-8bSY5y1sXo2X_TWHBx_HDmPSJT8iMJ8jDEAhXTQ29De61VHAyTF5vD1OcSviOuUqR6xUSCVlxOvxrJwpAESz1AiGmgIMIK_nr1CYcPll-m6R0eynX-UKBDc/s1600/ididntwantthis.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Codependency blames victims of trauma" border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="360" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7PPN3Sy0kfw_7qoqJNVF-8bSY5y1sXo2X_TWHBx_HDmPSJT8iMJ8jDEAhXTQ29De61VHAyTF5vD1OcSviOuUqR6xUSCVlxOvxrJwpAESz1AiGmgIMIK_nr1CYcPll-m6R0eynX-UKBDc/s320/ididntwantthis.png" title="I didnt want to be abused" width="179" /></a></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Did any of us really ALLOW our husbands to do this to us? I often see innocent victims use language like "allow" or "permission" and it got me thinking.</span> </span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Honestly, I had to look up the definition of Allow just in case 😊</span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> <u>Allow</u>:</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><i> "Give (someone) permission to do something."</i></span></span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> <u>Permission</u>: </span></span><br />
<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> <i>"Consent ; Authorization" </i></span></span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> <u>Consent:</u></span></span><br />
<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"> <i> "Compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another specifically: the voluntary agreement or acquiescence by a person of age or with requisite mental capacity who is not under duress or coercion and usually who has knowledge or understanding" </i></span></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I find it interesting that under consent it states "who is not under duress or coercion". So I want to ask again, did any of us really allow or give consent, without coercion, for our husbands to treat us this way? Did we have FULL knowledge and understanding of what our husbands were doing? </span></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Myth #2 A Wife's Lack Of Boundaries Is Proof She Has Internal Issues</b></span></span></h3>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Raise your hand if you grew up mentally prepared to marry someone who would lie, betray and gaslight you? How can a person implement boundaries if they have no idea they married someone who was lying and gaslighting them? Or they've never been taught how? Or were manipulated and gaslit into believing they were crazy and didn't have the power to? So many addicts/abusers tend to SUBTLY convince their wives that they are the ones who did something wrong or it's their fault. It's the frog in the pot analogy (the one about how to boil a frog, ie. You have to put it in cold water first so it doesn't jump out, and slowly turn up the heat so it doesn't notice etc.). </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB8UgiUq7hDb-653tuC-9lHovW8kP1UIQBtdIS2tHT2f7tTxwSS2vWWT-dwcZpihwqBoPO2-nbltoQixOLsyr3Dx8K1EXiRJoglT2n8ycA3osqhjnlplmd4FIe22e6ABYMHdOGK14eeV0/s1600/1200px-Frog_and_saucepan.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Being abused and gaslighted is like being a frog in boiling water" border="0" data-original-height="797" data-original-width="1200" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB8UgiUq7hDb-653tuC-9lHovW8kP1UIQBtdIS2tHT2f7tTxwSS2vWWT-dwcZpihwqBoPO2-nbltoQixOLsyr3Dx8K1EXiRJoglT2n8ycA3osqhjnlplmd4FIe22e6ABYMHdOGK14eeV0/s200/1200px-Frog_and_saucepan.jpg" title="Frog in pot of abuse" width="200" /></span></a><span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Many women have no idea they are slowly being boiled alive. They might feel something is wrong, but again, without any evidence and after being gaslit, women tend to wonder if they are the ones that are crazy and they just need to "do better". But once they DO find out the truth they're being boiled alive, they are so exhausted (oh my goodness DEBILITATINGLY EXHAUSTED) and still so confused that the man they trusted the most could do such things, that many times they have a hard time "jumping out". ESPECIALLY if they have never learned "how to jump out". (And sometimes it's just not safe to jump out yet) </span></span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It's like your husband ran you over with that dang semi truck and you're broken all over, and then someone tells you that you now have to climb Mt Everest, even though you feel like you're dying and can't walk anymore and you've never even been on a stinkin mountain in the first place let alone climbed one. </span></span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif"><span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Learning boundaries and how to stand up for ourselves is a process, and just because it takes us a while to stand up and climb the mountain because, again, WE'VE NEVER CLIMBED AND OUR LEGS ARE BROKEN, can we really say a wife consented to the continuing abuse just because she's exhausted from getting run over and can't walk yet? Or is in the process of learning how to walk/climb? Because I'm pretty darn sure 99.9% of wives would have walked away in disgust had their husbands treated them so badly or had known about all their husband's lies the first day they met them, which shows that if a wife has a hard time setting boundaries it's more a direct result of the craftiness and subtleness of ABUSE, not because shes consenting to it. Consent requires knowledge and understanding, <u>without</u> being under coercion or duress 💗</span></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Myth #3 "Most couples match each other's codependency in a relationship, that's why they get together, they are equally as unhealthy" -<i> Brannon Patrick, podcast by The Addicted, The Betrayed, The Expert. </i></b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaDkJ2dzN73KsyyGaWQoghww5yFpg9SI5nPY362x9KhHYGXYOeCYR7jsYH1yMfzHcUtxQ1cWxO3F-2FumN7Ha2jqjZ9u8ZhCuo3erU7OZFLbY52Uo2JQSsY_leSDj3WUb613sVvl1EYWs/s1600/tenor.gif" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Buddy elf screaming no. Blaming victims of abuse is wrong" border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="500" height="100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaDkJ2dzN73KsyyGaWQoghww5yFpg9SI5nPY362x9KhHYGXYOeCYR7jsYH1yMfzHcUtxQ1cWxO3F-2FumN7Ha2jqjZ9u8ZhCuo3erU7OZFLbY52Uo2JQSsY_leSDj3WUb613sVvl1EYWs/s200/tenor.gif" title="Buddy elf screaming no" width="200" /></a></i></b></span></div>
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">This is such a dangerous belief to automatically apply to most couples and points to a clear lack of understanding of PTSD. Most wives are NOT equally as unhealthy as their addict husbands. To imply that a wife must've been as unhealthy as an addict who gaslights, abuses, exploits, and continuously lies simply because she married him only puts undue blame on a wife and risks further traumatization. Again, most wives wouldn't have married their husband's had they known they'd be treated so poorly, and most wives definitely did not subconsciously want someone who would mistreat them. When you combine 70-80% of men now days looking at pornography, along with an addicts ability to deceive and gaslight, the odds are simply against all women. ALL women. </span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><span face="sans-serif" style="font-size: small;">Read this, I explain more on this concept here:<span style="color: #990000;"><u> </u></span></span></span><b style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2016/06/do-i-subconsciously-attract-sex-addicts.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: #990000;">Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Abusers?</span></a></b></h3>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b>Myth #4 The Codependency Model Isn't The Same As It Used To Be. It's Better Now.</b></span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmWqM2T4Y3RegL7ZqSHRdhhPmoiXSVfYsQYFKECpGxFybCewJdxG9YyStftGOdwbMY6fFG4BDo3FA5LLUzlP_hQDUh5PyfdnbSzSthvcrY1WiQ1hCYjeKgV-3BGiGmWNXbnxhr7VBuwF8/s1600/square-peg-in-a-round-hole1-e1522270456187.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Codependency doesnt fit just like a square peg in a round hole doesnt fit." border="0" data-original-height="318" data-original-width="450" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmWqM2T4Y3RegL7ZqSHRdhhPmoiXSVfYsQYFKECpGxFybCewJdxG9YyStftGOdwbMY6fFG4BDo3FA5LLUzlP_hQDUh5PyfdnbSzSthvcrY1WiQ1hCYjeKgV-3BGiGmWNXbnxhr7VBuwF8/s320/square-peg-in-a-round-hole1-e1522270456187.png" title="Codependency doesn't fit" width="320" /></a></b></span></div>
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Nowadays many people/therapists have sugar-coated the term codependency (or made up their own definitions) to make it seem like it's just a mild negative behavior that describes just about anybody, but sadly regardless of how definitions change, the pathological treatment and foundation for codependency has largely remained the same. Ie. Codependency is a disease. Your own personal issues/addiction/disease to the addict/person is causing your symptoms, and you need to stop allowing it to happen to you, etc. I'm not saying the codependency model has never helped anyone in any way. It definitely has, and for many years it was the only available help to many women. I've just personally noticed that when it comes to betrayed victims of sex addict abusers, the codependency model makes them feel greatly empowered at first but leads them to have slower healing later on because it keeps them focused on the incorrect blame placed on them and what they could have done to prevent the abuse. It also can shame women out of "snooping" or putting up strong boundaries surrounding filters/monitors on internet devices and teaches a "mind your own business/Dont focus on him" attitude, further putting a wife and children in danger. </span><br />
<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span> <span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Codependency is simply outdated and shouldn't be be applied to betrayed victims of sex addict abusers. They are in trauma due to abuse, and trauma victims and addict abusers require different treatments. No point in trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, ain't nobody got time fo' that 💗</span><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJ_cozgSvAYmR5dwt496eS_DqnN7RiaDrTRspQ7xZr6mQC_rQjsi5k774kO_lU7164K5RkaZKE0cFS1UE6L0HkywURijCkad30uG8VPjs-9RsBTF8h5EgK9nc-aCiV2VhuVWY2PKq8vc/s1600/sqyare-peg-in-round-hole-cartoon-2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Codependency is like a square peg in a round hole. It blames victims." border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="473" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJ_cozgSvAYmR5dwt496eS_DqnN7RiaDrTRspQ7xZr6mQC_rQjsi5k774kO_lU7164K5RkaZKE0cFS1UE6L0HkywURijCkad30uG8VPjs-9RsBTF8h5EgK9nc-aCiV2VhuVWY2PKq8vc/s400/sqyare-peg-in-round-hole-cartoon-2.jpg" title="Codependency is like a square peg in round hole" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>"MUST READ" RESOURCES 💗💗💗💗</b></span></div>
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<span>What's Wrong With Codependency </span></div>
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<span><a href="https://www.btr.org/whats-wrong-with-codependency/">https://www.btr.org/whats-wrong-with-codependency/</a></span></div>
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<span>The Truth About 12 Steps</span></div>
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<span><a href="https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug">https://www.btr.org/truth-about-12-step/?fbclid=IwAR0qaDpSlewh2flAc0swLkQFjA4Ku2rTzsJ0EXsKWC8_w4lYi0VM9aWrxug</a></span></div>
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<span>How To Tell If Your Therapist Is Covertly Victim Blaming</span></div>
<span face="sans-serif"><a href="https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-your-therapist-is.html?m=1">https://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-your-therapist-is.html?m=1</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">A Needed Change</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0000ee; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><u>https://web.archive.org/web/20151209031136/https://drbarbarasteffens.com/partner-sensitive-sexual-addiction-treatment-a-needed-change/</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I Am Not A Co-Addict (Codependent) and Neither Are You</span></div>
<div dir="ltr"><span style="color: #0000ee; font-family: times, times new roman, serif;"><u><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20210226134504/https://livingwithasexaddict.com/2016/02/14/i-am-not-a-co-addict-and-neither-are-you/">https://web.archive.org/web/20210226134504/https://livingwithasexaddict.com/2016/02/14/i-am-not-a-co-addict-and-neither-are-you/</a></u></span></div><div dir="ltr"><br /></div><div dir="ltr"><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>- "Wife of Alcoholic : Sexist Stereotypes" PDF by Decker, Redhorse, Green & Starrett. Excellent research paper 👏👏👏😍!!!! This paper gives MANY examples from several researchers of sexism and mysogyny surrounding the victim blaming of wives of alcoholics, including the label of co-alcoholism (codependency, co-addiction, and co-alcoholism all come from the same place). It's absolutely amazing that this was written in 1983, considering many therapists/researchers today still can't grasp these basic concepts. It's comforting to know that there WERE researchers back then who opposed codependency and victim blaming. Sadly their voices were drowned out and not remembered, since it wasn't the "popular" opinion 😢</i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><a href="https://scholarworks.wmich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1617&context=jssw" target="_blank">https://scholarworks.wmich.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1617&context=jssw</a></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><br /></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>- Excellent paper by Greg Dear called Blaming the Victim: Domestic Violence and the Codependency Model (PDF) </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><a href="https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=9a124f6770ae1e13006ce45c53e86960b039071f" target="_blank">https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=9a124f6770ae1e13006ce45c53e86960b039071f</a></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>If that link doesn't work, try this one <a href="https://acrobat.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:df99cd77-95ee-3e96-a519-b820b49d6f1a" target="_blank">https://acrobat.adobe.com/link/track?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:df99cd77-95ee-3e96-a519-b820b49d6f1a</a></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><br /></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>- Co-dependency: Implications for Women and Therapy by VanWormer </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J015v08n04_04?journalCode=wwat20">https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J015v08n04_04?journalCode=wwat20</a></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>PDF download of the same paper by VanWormer:</i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><a href="https://sci-hub.se/https://doi.org/10.1300/J015v08n04_04" target="_blank">https://sci-hub.se/https://doi.org/10.1300/J015v08n04_04</a></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i><br /></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>- Here's another example of the frame of mind these men had of women back then. This is written to the wives of alcoholics, by AA founder Bill Wilson, but he's PRETENDING TO WRITE IT AS A WIFE 🤮 Bill felt that dealing with the addiction was a wife's "burden to bear", and despite alll the obvious abuse, she must never condemn her husband or show anger. Ew. </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>A few tidbits of "To the Wives" (that is still in publication today) :</i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i></i></p><blockquote><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>"There was never financial security..... </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>Sometimes there were other women. How heart-breaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!.... </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home—our hus-bands thought we were so inhospitable. “Joykiller, nag, wet blanket”—that’s what they said.....</i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>..We have told small tots that father was sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.... </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary. Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him— not always another man.... </i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i>Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, “This is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.”...."</i></p></blockquote><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><i></i></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;">Alcoholics Anonymous : To Wives (PDF) </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwje3vq5irPwAhVLsp4KHUeoDJkQFjAAegQIAxAC&usg=AOvVaw2Jgh_Kal2zE_3DHRshw_zU" style="color: #da6e05; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwje3vq5irPwAhVLsp4KHUeoDJkQFjAAegQIAxAC&usg=AOvVaw2Jgh_Kal2zE_3DHRshw_zU</a></span></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;">- Interesting article about how it's a myth that adult children of alcoholics display a similar profile of symptoms, or are syndromed. Hopefully this screenshot is clear. If not then search within the document for the word codependent. :</p><div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdiAjf2wpJ6tnjozt-FEXJcrTaD6Fvovl9wTr-sgl0xc4V5nY2UOk1jkdw0F1kIYsbFxzwhi8QidkiltOljGSiUaoZXdYFscNO74Pm9t0gLmWF7X4-7QjYXtR5ej0sRR3qz1HcqhTJpMApfclsk5ccdSAFE73uQq7_rvDMLRQKEIgSosbv7NLylQD_/s1219/Screenshot_20220823-102257_Office.jpg" style="color: #da6e05; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration-line: none;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1219" data-original-width="1079" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdiAjf2wpJ6tnjozt-FEXJcrTaD6Fvovl9wTr-sgl0xc4V5nY2UOk1jkdw0F1kIYsbFxzwhi8QidkiltOljGSiUaoZXdYFscNO74Pm9t0gLmWF7X4-7QjYXtR5ej0sRR3qz1HcqhTJpMApfclsk5ccdSAFE73uQq7_rvDMLRQKEIgSosbv7NLylQD_/s280/Screenshot_20220823-102257_Office.jpg" style="border: none; box-sizing: border-box; max-width: 100%; position: relative;" width="280" /></a></div><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><a href="https://www.academia.edu/35499196/Great_Myths_of_Popular_Psychology" style="color: #da6e05; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">https://www.academia.edu/35499196/Great_Myths_of_Popular_Psychology</a></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;">- William White gives a brief chronology of Al-Anon. In it you can see a few examples of the progression of the victim blaming that later formed Al-Anon 🤮 </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15.84px;"><a href="http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/al-anon-alateen-chronology/" target="_blank">http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/al-anon-alateen-chronology/</a></p></div>
Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-9504051885927463652017-12-04T17:43:00.006-07:002023-07-21T17:26:11.012-07:00My BoundariesFor those interested in what my current personal boundaries look like 💗. For How to Set Boundaries go <a href="https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2014/12/how-to-set-boundaries.html?m=1" target="_blank">HERE</a> :<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUKuNku2HJWhfaCWJCzdg3Uo8iEGXc3OqXqZX9aYNObVqx8BP6d_fpMMqyNFYfddWwXFin6KFJJ0MxyLQJebQxg0lW5rdaNdVkg2PpRhY8WuesjZ0jNigvWnzoeOO6GjDVG6FGWHpIIQU/s1600/Screenshot_20171204-173943.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Boundaries trauma" border="0" data-original-height="1315" data-original-width="1075" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUKuNku2HJWhfaCWJCzdg3Uo8iEGXc3OqXqZX9aYNObVqx8BP6d_fpMMqyNFYfddWwXFin6KFJJ0MxyLQJebQxg0lW5rdaNdVkg2PpRhY8WuesjZ0jNigvWnzoeOO6GjDVG6FGWHpIIQU/s320/Screenshot_20171204-173943.jpg" title="Safety boundaries" width="261" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Boundaries are very important to me. I want to live in a peaceful loving and safe environment, and out of my love of my marriage, out of my love for my husband, out of love for myself, and out of love of my children, these are things I mentally and physically <u><i>need</i></u> in order to stay safe and maintain health and stability. </span><br />
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<i><span face="sans-serif">1. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For the safety of me and the children, I cannot live with any unmonitored and unfiltered Internet device (computer, phone, TV etc) in my home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "times" , "freeserif" , serif;"><i>2. I am only able to live with and stay married to a man who is actively trying to get INTO recovery by consistently talking with safe grown men</i></span><i style="font-family: "times new roman", times, freeserif, serif;">, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparency, taking medications, being willing to take a polygraph etc. </i><i style="font-family: "times new roman", times, freeserif, serif;">If I do not see these efforts in sincere actions (not words), I will do whatever I need to keep my family safe. </i></div>
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<i style="font-family: "times new roman", times, freeserif, serif;">3. I am not able to live a healthy life with a husband who's in addict mode, or does crazy making behaviors to me or the children (this includes blaming, gaslighting, defensive behavior, minimizing, passive aggressive behavior, vindictivness etc etc). It's too detrimental to my health and literally slowly kills me. I will immediately detach from any addict mode or crazy making and proceed to further action if needed. </i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "times" , "freeserif" , serif;"><i>4. In order for there to be safety in this marriage I need all future slips/relapses/acting out etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs , OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will do whatever it is that I need to do in order to feel safe (this could be ANYTHING that my intuition directs me to do, ie. separation for an undisclosed amount of time, sleeping in different rooms, detaching etc.) </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "times" , "freeserif" , serif;"><i>5. I will only have sex with my husband when I feel safe. It greatly hurts my feelings and damages my soul when I am treated like a piece of meat. I am a human being and my body is mine and deserves to be loved and respected. For my mental health, I absolutely will NOT have sex if there is any pressure, whining, manipulation, gaslighting, groping, lude comments, if I'm feeling lusted after, if my gut intuition directs me not to, or if I feel like I'm being used for selfish desires. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "times" , "freeserif" , serif;"><i>6. Our family needs a father who is willing to financially provide for us. I am only willing to sleep in the same room with a husband who is doing everything he can to achieve this </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "times" , "freeserif" , serif;"><i>7. If you ever hurt the kids, I will call the police and will need immediate separation. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "times" , "freeserif" , serif;"><i>*** My boundaries and safety needs are subject to change at any time. If I feel prompted to change any of these boundaries, I will let you know.***</i></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzbUEnyh9pIv2dwcgSXknxhLN2A8TYsIfWyPQJ5UWG4w1_XtkKdPwv9Y2SrIA2PXXBkYnWI6F5kEFx-47GXASJqvbQzgGXlazC1vG2FSyFsTWO7mFJva8WB5KvArdYC39OwF2sdeRqmyo/s1600/Screenshot_20171204-173004.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Betrayal Trauma" border="0" data-original-height="1290" data-original-width="1073" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzbUEnyh9pIv2dwcgSXknxhLN2A8TYsIfWyPQJ5UWG4w1_XtkKdPwv9Y2SrIA2PXXBkYnWI6F5kEFx-47GXASJqvbQzgGXlazC1vG2FSyFsTWO7mFJva8WB5KvArdYC39OwF2sdeRqmyo/s320/Screenshot_20171204-173004.jpg" title="Boundaries" width="266" /></a></div>
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Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-76579705302044902292017-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:002023-02-05T01:49:31.571-07:00Correlation Between Video Games And Sex Addiction <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO4CLTIxfeXtxAKaEAl9el_CcvTcdr0h9qguBbupkXtjS1KWfy3bfKWfRrfudAAE6doy4K17R2vUy_pXx47TQmbaBSd54NGkl7WuB5ypqWlg3letSNj6o0sfB1o0rmRJcKJm6k92Lao0k/s1600/maxresdefault-1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO4CLTIxfeXtxAKaEAl9el_CcvTcdr0h9qguBbupkXtjS1KWfy3bfKWfRrfudAAE6doy4K17R2vUy_pXx47TQmbaBSd54NGkl7WuB5ypqWlg3letSNj6o0sfB1o0rmRJcKJm6k92Lao0k/s320/maxresdefault-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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CORRELATION BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION </h2>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Watch this video on the science behind pornography addiction. Video games reward the same areas of the brain. They hijack dopamine/the reward circuit. So if you are a pornography or sexual addict, doing ANYTHING that promotes isolation along with fantasy, while also creating novelty and rewarding the same areas of the brain as porn, is a bad bad bad combination. Whether they are getting their drug high and isolation, fantasy, and novelty hit from porn or from video games, neither are going to be good for the addict brain.</span></h3>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><a name='more'></a> </span>Video: Your Brain on Porn</h3>
<a href="http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series">https://web.archive.org/web/20210109055337/https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/videos/your-brain-on-porn-how-internet-porn-affects-the-brain-2015/</a><br />
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Internet and Video Game Addiction (longest list of research articles I have ever seen!!!)<br />
<a href="http://yourbrainonporn.com/garys-research-addiction-video-game">http://yourbrainonporn.com/garys-research-addiction-video-game</a><br />
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">"Internet game overuse may be associated with abnormal neurobiological mechanisms in the orbitofrontal cortex, striatum, and sensory regions, which are implicated in impulse control, reward processing, and somatic representation of previous experiences. Our results support the idea that Internet game overuse shares psychological and neural mechanisms with other types of impulse control disorders and substance/non-substance-related addiction."</span><br />
<a href="http://yourbrainonporn.com/video-game-addiction-summaries">http://yourbrainonporn.com/video-game-addiction-summaries</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Video game and porn addictions are different. They are "arousal addictions," where the attraction is in the novelty, the variety or the surprise factor of the content. Sameness is soon habituated; newness heightens excitement. In traditional drug arousal, conversely, addicts want more of the same cocaine or heroin or favorite food.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The consequences could be dramatic: The excessive use of video games and online porn in pursuit of the next thing is creating a generation of risk-averse guys who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent to real-life relationships, school and employment.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Norwegian mass murder suspect Anders Behring Breivik reported during his trial that he prepared his mind and body for his marksman-focused shooting of 77 people by playing "World of Warcraft" for a year and then "Call of Duty" for 16 hours a day."</span><br />
<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/23/health/living-well/demise-of-guys/">http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/23/health/living-well/demise-of-guys/</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Video game addiction leads to isolation, while porn addiction leads to even more problems down the line."</span><br />
<a href="https://www.google.com/amp/www.inquisitr.com/2087065/porn-and-video-game-addiction-lead-to-social-isolation-erectile-dysfunction-masculinity-crisis-according-to-new-book/amp/">https://www.google.com/amp/www.inquisitr.com/2087065/porn-and-video-game-addiction-lead-to-social-isolation-erectile-dysfunction-masculinity-crisis-according-to-new-book/amp/</a><br />
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<span face=""arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Pornography addicts discuss why they do or do not think gaming plays a huge part in their addiction:</span><br />
<a href="https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/video-games-and-porn-addiction-connection.58954/">https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/video-games-and-porn-addiction-connection.58954/</a><br />
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VIDEO GAMES ON THE BRAIN </h2>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Like all behavioral addictions, gaming addiction is considered to be an impulse control disorder, and characterized by a person’s obsession with video game play. For most who become gaming addicts, the problem often begins in elementary or middle school. For others, gaming addiction can come later in life. Consistent with behavioral addiction, it is not generally the first experience with a particular behavior that initiates an addiction, but rather underlying problems with the individual that prompt a need for escapism through the behavior.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">An important aspect of gaming addiction is the fact that video games are designed to be addictive in the sense that they are intended to be fun, hold a gamer’s interest, and compel continuation of the game. This does not make games addictive in the clinical sense as to invoke dependence, but rather to make a gamer not want to stop playing."</span><br />
<a href="http://aforeverrecovery.com/behavioral-addictions/gaming-addiction/">http://aforeverrecovery.com/behavioral-addictions/gaming-addiction/</a><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">"In other words, the time these young men spend on Xbox and Playstation does not offer them relief from the stress of joblessness and existential inertia. On the contrary, for them it’s part of Living the Dream."</span><br />
<a href="http://www.doctorschierling.com/blog/video-games-and-porn-addictions-run-wild-in-young-americans">http://www.doctorschierling.com/blog/video-games-and-porn-addictions-run-wild-in-young-americans</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"As one neat example, a 2009 study demonstrated that exposure to gratuitous violence in either a game or a movie led to a reduced willingness to help someone who was in pain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Participants in two different experiments took longer to come to the aid of an injured victim, saw a violent act as less serious, and were less likely to even hear that a fight was occurring when compared with those who played a non-violent video game or watched a non-violent movie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Additionally, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, prolonged exposure to violence increases agreement with the idea that violence is an acceptable way of solving problems. It also promotes acceptance — in children — of the “mean world” syndrome: a belief that the world is a dark and sinister place."</span><br />
<a href="http://family-studies.org/the-problem-with-exposing-kids-to-sexual-and-violent-content/">http://family-studies.org/the-problem-with-exposing-kids-to-sexual-and-violent-content/</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Dr. Maxwell Maltz underscores the connection between our thoughts and our body’s nervous system: 'Experimental and clinical psychologists have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the human nervous system cannot tell the difference between an ‘actual’ experience and an experience imagined vividly and in detail.”</span><br />
The Higher Law<br />
<a href="https://www.lds.%20org/ensign/1991/02/the-higher-law?lang=eng" target="_blank">https://www.lds. org/ensign/1991/02/the-higher-law?lang=eng</a><br />
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">"The University of Alabama conducted a similar study ...The results also indicated the aggressive behavior didn't occur just after viewing, but remained with the individuals for 'quite some time.' The study concludes with a caution for parents that immature and/or aggressive children should not have access to violent films.</span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The Macquarie University Children and Families Research Centre found that children who watch violent movies are more likely to view the world as an unsympathetic, malicious and scary place and that this stimulates aggression. It also suggests children are more likely to exhibit combative behavior while becoming desensitized to violence. Reportedly, the MRI brain scans of children who have viewed film or television violence had a similar look when compared to those who have violently acted out."</span><br />
<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201309/violence-the-media-and-your-brain">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201309/violence-the-media-and-your-brain</a><br />
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<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">"Children exposed to repeated acts of violence as if it were commonplace in daily life learn to, well, think it is commonplace in daily life. They may develop a warped view of the world as an extremely violent, dangerous and awful place. Kunkel explains how children may harbor an exaggerated or increased fear of becoming victims of violence. They can retreat even deeper into their fears and become afraid of going to school, walking down the street or even leaving the house."</span><br />
<a href="http://anxietyfreechild.com/tv-violence/">http://anxietyfreechild.com/tv-violence/</a><br />
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<h2>
INTERESTING VIDEOS :</h2>
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Video Games Change Your Brain<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=khpLlXwWBgs">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=khpLlXwWBgs</a><br />
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Violent Media on Kids<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N1Twefdhui8">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N1Twefdhui8</a><br />
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Effects of Violent Media on Child's Brain (long version)<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub-K4rt14Po">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub-K4rt14Po</a><br />
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Violent Video Bames and Kids Brains<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vrI9G1QClK4">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vrI9G1QClK4</a><br />
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Media and a Child's Brain<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yeAPXD5NeFg">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yeAPXD5NeFg</a><br />
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Monkey See Monkey Do<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G6_lQrvGA44">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G6_lQrvGA44</a><br />
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Impact of Any Violence on a Child's Brain (good)<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=brVOYtNMmKk">https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=brVOYtNMmKk</a><br />
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Effects of Television on Child's Brain<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLZ3cNi3tQ6H8FeBS9lcka6SYTb8H2LvzJ&v=v2SdEpHjrjw">https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLZ3cNi3tQ6H8FeBS9lcka6SYTb8H2LvzJ&v=v2SdEpHjrjw</a>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-59333196339554427442017-08-06T19:17:00.001-07:002021-05-05T10:22:37.999-07:00Latter Day Saint: Judge Others <h2>
<span face="sans-serif" style="font-size: medium;">What The Church Says About Judging Others</span></h2>
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<span face="sans-serif" style="font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">"Thou shalt not judge" is a common accusatory (and quite shaming) misconception I hear quite often. Except we are not commanded to "not judge", and are actually commanded to judge righteously. Its sometimes hard to judge what our own safety is if we don't judge what the danger is. We must learn to judge and discern evil threats. The scriptures and the church can help us navigate this</span> 👍</span></h4>
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Jesus said in Mat 7:1 "Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged; but judge righteous judgment"<br />
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Also the Book of Mormon teaches: “For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain … as the daylight is from the dark night."<br />
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Lev 19:15<br />
"In righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbor"<br />
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Mosiah 26<br />
"Therefore I say unto you, Go; and whosoever transgresseth against me, him shall ye judge according to the sins which he has committed; and if heconfess his sins before thee and me, and repenteth in the sincerity of his heart, him shall ye forgive, and I will forgive him also."<br />
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LDS church definition of judging:<br />
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"Judgment is an important use of our agency and requires great care, especially when we make judgments about other people. All our judgments must be guided by righteous standards. Only God, who knows each individual's heart, can make final judgments of individuals.<br />
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Sometimes people feel that it is wrong to judge others in any way. While it is true that we should not condemn others or judge them unrighteously, we will need to make judgments of ideas, situations, and people throughout our lives. The Lord has given many commandments that we cannot keep without making judgments. For example, He has said: “Beware of false prophets. . . . Ye shall know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:15-16) and “Go ye out from among the wicked” (D&C 38:42).<br />
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We need to make judgments of people in many of our important decisions, such as choosing friends, voting for government leaders, and choosing a spouse.<br />
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Our righteous judgments about others can provide needed guidance for them and, in some cases, protection for us and our families. We should approach any such judgment with care and compassion. As much as we can, we should judge people's situations rather than judging the people themselves."<br />
<a href="https://www.lds.org/topics/judging-others?lang=eng&query=judge+righteously">https://www.lds.org/topics/judging-others?lang=eng&query=judge+righteously</a><br />
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Dallin H Oaks :<br />
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"There are two kinds of judging: final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make, but upon righteous principles...<br />
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In contrast to forbidding mortals to make final judgments, the scriptures require mortals to make what I will call “intermediate judgments.” These judgments are essential to the exercise of personal moral agency.<br />
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During His mortal ministry the Savior made and acted upon many intermediate judgments, such as when He told the Samaritan woman of her sinful life (see John 4:17–19), when He rebuked the scribes and Pharisees for their hypocrisy (see Matt. 15:1–9; Matt. 23:1–33), and when He commented on the comparative merit of the offerings of the rich men and of the widow’s mites (see Mark 12:41–44).....<br />
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The Savior also commanded individuals to be judges, both of circumstances and of other people.<br />
<a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/08/judge-not-and-judging?lang=eng">https://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/08/judge-not-and-judging?lang=eng</a><br />
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<br />Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-51263899265703712612017-03-17T01:27:00.006-07:002022-04-02T17:51:53.813-07:00How to Do Self EMDR<span> </span><div><div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMG8lrX0lLvf4lZeOqGxd0LqoALcZ-yJx8cp4z48R-bRbTo00m7cW_Xt6ssRWi4G9sItesLhi8hUqqny_sc8wumyklx6Z0b9_t3dkTKfYl5Nl_nsi0psfaLojK99SnX06YHfj6f80u9y4/s1600/coleva.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="508" data-original-width="422" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMG8lrX0lLvf4lZeOqGxd0LqoALcZ-yJx8cp4z48R-bRbTo00m7cW_Xt6ssRWi4G9sItesLhi8hUqqny_sc8wumyklx6Z0b9_t3dkTKfYl5Nl_nsi0psfaLojK99SnX06YHfj6f80u9y4/s320/coleva.png" width="265" /></a></span></div>
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Self EMDR</span></h2>
Here's how to do POSITIVE self EMDR to help with trauma and help you love yourself. No therapist is needed because there's no digging into scary trauma, its just about getting the EMDR to open up your brain and better receive the affirmation **WARNING: Do not do this with traumatic memories without a therapist. I am not liable for anything that happens **<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPN0rrWRwdyzmp9WOopB7c0ABz3qtaaxeVVBlLFe1EaCaggQ93QXK4GfC2qPNlladz_b64DXal5hGX4M-3iK4fFZD705HbE5emCe1tZaqm1iV5_egv9oE9BP_b8_W41v_5OGitbbiofFw/s1600/shutterstock_127181810-copy.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPN0rrWRwdyzmp9WOopB7c0ABz3qtaaxeVVBlLFe1EaCaggQ93QXK4GfC2qPNlladz_b64DXal5hGX4M-3iK4fFZD705HbE5emCe1tZaqm1iV5_egv9oE9BP_b8_W41v_5OGitbbiofFw/s320/shutterstock_127181810-copy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a name='more'></a>Pick one of my playlist videos, or search your own, and listen to a video with headphones while you are alone (alone as you can be), preferably at the computer so you have a larger screen. Follow the target with your eyes and the entire time it is playing I want you to say an affirmation over and over. </div><div><br /></div><div>If you can't get to a computer than you can even do the EMDR yourself by finding a bright colored highlighter, pen, or object and moving it back and forth in your hand as far away from your face as possible, and side to side as far as your eyes can follow. Don't move your head, only follow with your eyes. <span style="font-size: x-small;">To learn more about affirmations and what they are click </span><a href="http://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2015/03/affirmations-heal.html?m=1" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">HERE</span></a><br />
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Kates EMDR playlist. :<br />
<a href="https://youtu.be/OVi7yX9X35A?list=PLZ3cNi3tQ6H_7BWNIr6WtuJxet1FucA7t">https://youtu.be/OVi7yX9X35A?list=PLZ3cNi3tQ6H_7BWNIr6WtuJxet1FucA7t</a><br />
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After you are done, <i>if</i> you are up for it, you can also get a blank piece of notebook paper and fill up an entire page, or even listen to one of these videos with headphones while you write the affirmation over and over and over. . (also try and doodle affirmations as much as you can😁 I love to say the affirmation out loud while I write them) :<br />
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Isochronic/Binaural tones. Choose the video that feels the best to you.<br />
<a href="https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ3cNi3tQ6H_kUqF-YgELM76dk_IBrMo2">https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ3cNi3tQ6H_kUqF-YgELM76dk_IBrMo2</a><br />
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Example Affirmations</span> :</h3>
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I love you _____ (say your name. YES it feels silly, but for some reason it works really well when speaking to your child self)<br />
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I love and approve of myself</h3>
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It is safe for every part of my body to relax and feel peace.<br />
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I am safe.<div><br /></div><div>I WANT to love and approve of myself. (sometimes saying "I want to love myself" instead of "I love myself" can be a good way of easing into affirmations. Especially if you struggle feeling like the affirmations are lies 🤗) </div><div><br /></div><div>I WANT to feel safe. </div><div><br /></div><div>I want to see myself with love. <br />
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All is well.<br />
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It is safe for me to care for myself<br />
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I digest with ease<br />
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I want to release my weight<br />
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I want/love to take care of my body<br />
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My mind is full of love, peace, and clarity<br />
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Life will always provide for me<br />
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It is safe for me to feel<br />
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I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably<br />
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I willingly release with joy<br />
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I see myself and what I do with eyes of love<br />
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I boldly speak how I feel with ease<br />
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It is safe to be me<br />
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I relax and recognize my self worth<br />
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Harmony and peace, love and joy surround me and indwell me. I am safe and secure.<br />
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I am safe in the here and now<br />
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It is my birthright to live fully and freely.<br />
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I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good.<br />
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The movies of my mind are beautiful because I choose to make then so. I love me.<br />
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I am safe and secure at all times. Love surrounds me and protects me. All is well.<br />
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I am Divinely protected and surrounded by love. I now create a safe new future.<br />
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I give myself permission to be all that I can be and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and my children.<br />
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It is safe for me to be alive<br />
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***** I am important. I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.<br />
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I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.<br />
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I am totally adequate at all times<br />
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It is easy for me to reprogram the computer of my mind. All of life is change and my mind is ever new<br />
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I trust my Heavenly Father. All I need is always taken care of.<br />
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I know I am worthwhile. It is safe for me to succeed.<br />
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It is with love that I totally release the past. I am free. I am love.<br />
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I am safe. I am at peace with life.<br />
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I am loving and lovable.<br />
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I release the pattern in me that created this. I am worthwhile. I DESERVE good.<br />
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</div></div></div>Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.com0