Thursday, October 25, 2018

Codependency Harms

History of Codependency

The term codependency (or co-addict) was a word made up by a bunch of addicts from Alcoholics Anonymous, founded in 1935, and was then used by Al-Anon (Sister of AA) when it was formed in 1951. The word later became widely popular by therapists and also authors like Melody Beattie in the 1980's. Addicts basically believed their loved ones were acting just as crazy as an addict by displaying similar behaviors (what they considered to be obsession, controlling, neediness, paranoia, ritualizing etc.) and so they assumed their loved ones must be "addicted" to the addict, therefore needing the exact same 12 steps as the addict (same wording and everything). This is why Al-Anon and S-anon and COSA etc. were created, to help treat all the obsessed dysfunctional family members of addicts --- also so they'd no longer hinder the addicts recovery. These 12 step manuals subtly teach family members the belief that they have just as many issues and are as diseased as the addict 😒

However, over the years more therapists have come to realize that family members of addicts WEREN'T actually exhibiting addict or diseased behaviors, but were instead experiencing trauma/PTSD, just like a rape victim or war veteran. Family members didn't have a disease, they were simply INJURED --- the cause is external and not a direct result of one's internal issues. (Click HERE to see if your trauma meets the PTSD diagnosis). 

The codependency label is not only an incorrect label to automatically apply to wives of sex addicts or abuse victims, but has the possibility of being very dangerous because it places undue blame on wives for their completely natural reactions to being injured by their husband's choices. Most behaviors thought of as codependency (hypervigilance/ obsession, worrying about what a spouse thinks, lack of boundaries, being controlled by an addict, "loving" the addict more than they love you, etc.) are instead natural NORMAL symptoms of a trauma injury, much like screaming out in pain or being full of fear after being run over by a semi truck, and they are NOT because wives are doing something "wrong". We wouldn't tell someone who was just run over by a semi truck that their natural reaction to pain means there's something mentally wrong with them, would we? πŸ’— 

Top 4 Myths of The Codependency Model 


Myth #1 Wives Allow Their Husband's To Mistreat Them (Ie. Wives are partly to blame for doing nothing to stop it)


Codependency blames victims of trauma
 

Did any of us really ALLOW our husbands to do this to us? I often see innocent victims use language like "allow" or "permission" and it got me thinking. 

Honestly, I had to look up the definition of Allow just in case 😊

   Allow:
      "Give (someone) permission to do something."

   Permission
      "Consent ; Authorization" 

   Consent:
      "Compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another specifically: the voluntary agreement or acquiescence by a person of age or with requisite mental capacity who is not under duress or coercion and usually who has knowledge or understanding" 

I find it interesting that under consent it states "who is not under duress or coercion". So I want to ask again, did any of us really allow or give consent, without coercion, for our husbands to treat us this way? Did we have FULL knowledge and understanding of what our husbands were doing? 

Myth #2 A Wife's Lack Of Boundaries Is Proof She Has Internal Issues


Raise your hand if you grew up mentally prepared to marry someone who would lie, betray and gaslight you? How can a person implement boundaries if they have no idea they married someone who was lying and gaslighting them? Or they've never been taught how? Or were manipulated and gaslit into believing they were crazy and didn't have the power to? So many addicts/abusers tend to SUBTLY convince their wives that they are the ones who did something wrong or it's their fault. It's the frog in the pot analogy (the one about how to boil a frog, ie. You have to put it in cold water first so it doesn't jump out, and slowly turn up the heat so it doesn't notice etc. etc.). 


Being abused and gaslighted is like being a frog in boiling water
Many women have no idea they are slowly being boiled alive. They might feel something is wrong, but again, after being gaslit women tend to wonder if they are the ones that are crazy and they just need to "do better". But once they DO find out the truth they're being boiled alive, they are so exhausted (oh my goodness DEBILITATINGLY EXHAUSTED) and still so confused that the man they trusted the most could do such things, that many times they have a hard time "jumping out". ESPECIALLY if they have never learned "how to jump out". 

It's like your husband ran you over with that dang semi truck and you're broken all over, and then someone tells you that you now have to climb Mt Everest, even though you feel like you're dying and can't walk anymore and you've never even been on a stinkin mountain in the first place let alone climbed one. 😜 

Learning boundaries and how to stand up for ourselves is a process, and just because it takes us a while to stand up and climb the mountain because, again, WE'VE NEVER CLIMBED AND OUR LEGS ARE BROKEN 😜, can we really say a wife consented to the continuing abuse just because she's exhausted from getting run over and can't walk yet? Or is in the process of learning how to walk/climb? Because I'm pretty darn sure 99.9% of wives would have walked away in disgust had their husbands treated them so badly or had known about all their husband's lies the first day they met them, which shows that if a wife has a hard time setting boundaries it's more a direct result of the craftiness and subtleness of ABUSE, not because shes consenting to it. Consent requires knowledge and understanding, without being under coercion or duress πŸ’—

Dr. Omar Minwalla explains it wonderfully here :
"The induction of fear into the psychological and relational system is one of the specific traumatic symptom processes of discovery trauma.  A discovery does not in any way mean a full awareness of reality or the truth for the partner or spouse.  It means a degree of awareness that there is reality incongruence and the open possibilities of a deceptive, compartmentalized, sexual or relational system, with no ability to confirm the extent or nature.  This can often induce severe panic, terror, and intense fear, horror, or helplessness.  It opens up an entire world of actual possibility, with no reliable source of reality, as it has been systematically denied and withheld from the intimate partner, with intention."
&
"The impact of chronic patterns of psychological manipulation, over time, is the slow erosion or weakening of one’s relationship between the victim’s psyche and their intuition.  Sometimes there can be a progressive reliance and eventual dependency on the perpetrator’s reality as the victim’s adapted “survival instinct” (Minwalla, 2012; Herman, 1997).  Thus, if the ability to utilize one’s own intuition is so compromised and abused, and/or if the victim has been manipulated into deep dependency and reliance on the perpetrator’s definition and mandate of reality, then the victim may be not be able to generate emancipation impulses, based on instinctual self-generation.  The idea of “just leaving” is not reality-based for certain partners and spouses who have been victimized and abused via gaslightling, which constitutes a specific type and form of psychological abuse and torture, and a significant SAIP, often highly relevant to sex addiction disorders and a partner’s traumatic clinical configuration."


Myth #3 "Most couples match each other's codependency in a relationship, that's why they get together, they are equally as unhealthy" - Brannon Patrick, podcast by The Addicted, The Betrayed, The Expert. 
Buddy elf screaming no. Blaming victims of abuse is wrong


This is such a dangerous belief to automatically apply to most couples and points to a clear lack of understanding of PTSD. Most wives are NOT equally as unhealthy as their addict husbands. To imply that a wife must've been as unhealthy as an addict who gaslights, abuses, exploits, and continuously lies simply because she married him only puts undue blame on a wife and risks further traumatization. Again, most wives wouldn't have married their husband's had they known they'd be treated so poorly, and most wives definitely did not subconsciously want someone who would mistreat them. When you combine 70-80% of men now days looking at pornography, along with an addicts ability to deceive and gaslight, the odds are simply against all women. ALL women. 


Read this, I explain more on this concept here: Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Sex Addicts?





Myth #4 The Codependency Model Isn't The Same As It Used To Be. It's Better Now.
Codependency doesnt fit just like a square peg in a round hole doesnt fit.


Nowadays many people/therapists have sugar-coated the term codependency (or made up their own definitions) to make it seem like it's just a mild negative behavior that describes just about anybody, but sadly regardless of how definitions change, the pathological treatment and foundation for codependency has largely remained the same. Ie. Codependency is a disease. Your own personal issues/addiction/disease to the addict/person is causing your symptoms, and you need to stop allowing it to happen to you, etc. I'm not saying the codependency model has never helped anyone in any way. It definitely has, and for many years it was the only available help to many women. I've just personally noticed that when it comes to wives of sex addicts or abuse victims the codependency model makes them feel greatly empowered at first but then they have slower healing later on because it keeps them stuck in shame due the incorrect blame placed on them. It also can shame women out of "snooping" or putting up strong boundaries surrounding filters/monitors on internet devices and teaches a "mind your own business/Dont focus on him" attitude, further putting a wife and children in danger. 


Codependency is simply outdated and shouldn't automatically apply to wives of sex addicts or abuse victims. They are in trauma, and trauma victims and addicts require different treatments. No point in trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, ain't nobody got time fo' that πŸ’—
Codependency is like a square peg in a round hole. It blames victims.

"MUST READ" ARTICLES πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

Sex Addiction Induced Perpetration Goes Untreated 

13 Dimensions of Sex Induced Trauma

Podcast With Dr Omar Minwala. Are Pornography & Infidelity Abusive to Your Spouse? 

A Needed Change

I Am Not A Co-Addict (Codependent) and Neither Are You

Blaming the Victim: Domestic Violence and the Codependency Model (PDF) 

Stop The Abuse Of Partners of Sex Addicts

Sunday, July 15, 2018

EMDR Therapy To Treat Addiction

What Causes Addiction? 


Addiction tree

I believe there is always a CAUSE of an addiction. I don't think it just magically happens to random people, its not a lottery. I see addiction like a tree with deep roots. Many addiction treatments out there simply focus on fixing the symptoms of the addiction (ie. Acting out, negative behaviors, lying etc) which are the branches and leaves of the tree. Which is GREATπŸ‘. But when you only cut branches off the tree, what happens? = It eventually grows more branches. It might take days, months, or years to grow back, but the tree and its roots are still alive. If someone struggling with an addiction wants to get into long term Sober Recovery (And I mean LONG term Recovery. Years and years with zero acting out. Recovery requires sobriety). Its crucial to dig deep and fix the ROOT CAUSE of the addiction, which studies show could be many many different things like trauma, untreated ADHD or mental illness, genetics, or more often than not all of the above. Sadly though many (or most) people who struggle with addiction aren't aware, or their brains even forgot about any trauma they experienced. But it's good to remember that lack of knowledge or loss of memory does not automatically mean a person does not have trauma. I think addiction in and of itself is evidence that SOMETHING deeper is fueling it.

One way to help treat the cause of addiction is through EMDR Therapy by a qualified counselor who understands trauma & addiction. It has personally helped me immensely, and also my husband immensely. If you know anyone who has struggled with addiction, please pass on this info πŸ’—

Monday, December 4, 2017

My Boundaries

For those interested in what my current personal boundaries look like πŸ’—. For How to Set Boundaries go HERE :

Boundaries trauma

Boundaries are very important to me. I want to live in a peaceful loving and safe environment, and out of my love of my marriage, out of my love for my husband, out of love for myself, and out of love of my children, these are things I mentally and physically need in order to stay safe and maintain health and stability. 

Monday, October 2, 2017

Helpful Consequences, Repentance and the Process of Becoming Worthy


Are Consequences and Repentance Required for Worthiness?

 LDS Mormon Quotes


Repentance from pornography required for worthiness


Why Are Consequences Helpful? 


If Alma the younger never felt the pains of hell, and was racked with the eternal torment in remembrance of all his sins, do you think he would have had such a great change of heart? Would he have understood all that he had done wrong? I myself never would have gotten sober without going through the pains of hell.

Many times bishops, leaders and loved ones unknowingly enable an addicts addiction which can cause them to believe their trangression wasnt serious ---ie. "I can look at pornography and still go to the temple and take sacrament? Oh, what I did must not be that bad". Leaders and loved ones may think they are helping by encouraging the addict to continue going to the temple or taking the sacrament despite a recent relapse, slip, or discovery of ones sexual sins, but instead they may be unknowingly hurting them. Remember consequences are for our benefit. They are good and can help bring about lasting change.
 

What Can Church Leaders Do to Help?


"The bishop represents the Lord in extending forgiveness for the Church. At times he must administer bitter medicine. Alma told Corianton, “Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment” (Alma 42:16). I would not want to live in a world where there was no repentance, and if punishment is a condition of that, I will willingly accept that. There is the idea abroad that one can send a postcard of prayer and receive in return full forgiveness and be ready at once for a mission or for marriage in the temple. Not so. There are payments to be made. If a bishop offers comfort only and, in misguided kindness, seeks to relieve you of the painful but healing process in connection with repentance, he will not serve you well."

Can Someone View Pornography and Still Attend the Temple Worthily??



Pornography and the Law of Chastity

 LDS Mormon Quotes

 

pornography and temple worthiness


What is Pornography?

 
Definition of Pornography :
"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media,including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet. It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: “Thou shalt not … commit adultery … nor do anything like unto it”"
&
"Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
LDS.org



What is Worthiness?

  
"Personal worthiness is an essential requirement to enjoy the blessings of the temple. Anyone foolish enough to enter the temple unworthily will receive condemnation."
Richard G Scott, LDS. org

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Judge Others

LDS Church Says To Judge Others

"Thou shalt not judge" is a common accusatory (and quite shaming) misconception I hear quite often. Except we are not commanded to "not judge", and are actually commanded to judge righteously. Its sometimes hard to judge what our own safety is if we don't judge what the danger is. We must learn to judge and discern evil threats. The scriptures and the church can help us navigate this πŸ‘


Friday, April 28, 2017

Video Games

CORRELATION BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION

Watch this video on the science behind pornography addiction. Video games reward the same areas of the brain. They hijack dopamine/the reward circuit. So if you are a pornography or sexual addict,  doing ANYTHING that promotes isolation along with fantasy,  while also creating novelty and rewarding the same areas of the brain as porn, is a bad bad bad combination. Whether they are getting their drug high and isolation, fantasy,  and novelty hit from porn or from video games, neither are going to be good for the addict brain.

Friday, March 17, 2017

How to Do Self EMDR

If it's been scientifically proven that Adverse Childhood Experiences (aka Trauma) can cause diseases and mental illness, then why can't we also help heal those diseases and mental illnesses by healing the childhood trauma? After all, the brain is a very amazing thing and can adapt and change. 

Don't believe me? Check out the story of Kendal Levine (watch video halfway through HERE) who was thought to remain in a vegetative state, OR the boy, HERE, who was born without a brain and wasn't expected to live but ended up growing a brain, OR Louise Hay who grew up being abused and later healed her own cancer. 
  **Read more about the CDC's findings on ACE's HERE

Self EMDR

Here's how to do POSITIVE self EMDR to help with trauma and help you love yourself. No therapist is needed because there's no digging into scary trauma, its just about getting the EMDR to open up your brain and better receive the affirmation **WARNING: Do not do this with traumatic memories without a therapist. I am not liable for anything that happens **



Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Caffeine

Your Brain on Caffeine

Im going to write about something that may be upsetting to some people.

I'm going to talk about the dangers of caffeine.

So, if caffeine and you are best friends and it's something you aren't ready to hear yet, I suggest walking away now because my husband quit cold turkey the day he learned all this 😁


Let me ask you something.....Why do you think caffeine is added into soda and other beverages in the first place?

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Cause of Addiction

Addiction Tree

The CAUSE of Addiction

Addiction Tree

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Wearing Lingerie


I know this can be a touchy subject so as an addict, and my husband also being an addict, I'm going to explain the reasons why I personally don't wear lingerie anymore.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Should My Husband Take A Polygraph?

If Your Husband Struggles With a Sexual Addiction Should He Take a Polygraph?


I love polygraphs.


I believe all sex addicts should take an annual polygraph.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Does Masturbation Cause Sexual Dysfunction?

Scientific and Personal Reasons of Why Masturbation Can Cause Sexual & Erectile Dysfunction.


Does Masturbation Cause Erectile Dysfunction



I started masturbating when I was 5 yrs old. I had no religious church induced shame nor any parental induced shame over masturbation because I didn't even know that I was masturbating until my late teens. My parents never knew I masturbated. They didnt have sex/masturbation talks with me about what was right vs wrong, nor did I hear much about masturbation/sex at church. And even after I DID found out that what I was doing was masturbating, I thought it was healthy and that it caused no harm. I'd say to myself "Yea right, like touching myself is going to hurt myself or anyone else haha, that's so STUPID. Its helping me learn my body and practice for when I have sex. Those are good things! πŸ‘"...

It wasn't until 7 yrs ago when I got sober that I started looking back and discovering that no matter how OK I thought masturbation was, it still in and of itself brought shame. And I never in a million years would have believed masturbation could have caused such negative horrible effects on my bodies ability to function properly.

Ive already wrote the post about what the LDS Church thinks about masturbation HERE, so now I'm gonna talk about the medical side of masturbation and how contrary to current popular belief, the studies actually show it is NOT healthy for the body, and masturbation DOES cause Sexual Dysfunction in both men and women.

First like always, let's look at some official definitions of Masturbation. You know, just for clarity. πŸ˜‰

Sunday, July 31, 2016

LDS Mormon View On Masturbation


"Masturbation is sex with self. Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."
- LDS author Andrew Pippanne, creator of the website rowboatandmarbles.org


One cannot masturbate and still enter the temple worthily and the LDS Church has been extremely clear on this. Going to the temple unworthily not only hurts oneself, but it hurts one's family and children . Just because an unlearned bishop, ward member, friend, therapist etc. doesn't specifically "ask" it in a temple interview, gives permission, or says its natural and OK, that doesn't mean God gives permission. It is a sin to enter the temple unworthily. But before we go into everything the LDS church says about masturbation, lets first break down what "Being Worthy" actually means.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Questions To Ask Your Husband

If you just found out about your husbands addiction and are going through the full disclosure, these questions may be helpful to ask.




Friday, June 17, 2016

Is There Something Wrong With Me That Attracts Sex Addicts?


Do You Attract Addicts? 


I used to believe so. And yes, this may be the case with some people.

BUT hear me out.

If statistics say 70-80% of men are looking at porn now days (and those are only the ones who admit it)........

Then you could be the most healthy person in the world and guess what? The odds are still against you. :(

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Commanded To Forgive

 Must We Forgive Those Who Harm Us And Is Forgiveness The Same As Trust?

LDS.org Quotes

The quotes below have brought me comfort. At first, I honestly didn't even know what the word "forgive" really meant, despite hearing the word so often growing up.  I think it's important to remember that forgiveness doesn't have a timetable. There's no allotted time ---- "Oh, your husband cheated on you? You have 6 months to forgive"---- ha. No no it doesn't work like that.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

70% of Men Look At Pornography

Pornography Statistics



These are some more recent statistics from all around the world (and some old stats taken before smart phones) that show a general pretty consistent 70-80%-ish range of men look at porn at the very LEAST once a month. Addicts are notorious for lying about the frequency of porn use, kinda makes you wonder what the REAL percentage is.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Gaslighting is Abuse.

What is Gaslighting?

 Quotes & Resources

1.
Oxford Dictionary states:
"Gaslight - Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity"

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Is Sex a Responsibility?

  Is it Your Responsibility to Have Sex With Your Husband? 

Quotes From LDS Mormon Church Leaders

Many wives struggle with feeling like it is their responsibility to have sex with their husbands. Thankfully, I believe the LDS Church is very clear on this subject.

If anyone ever tries to convince you that your husband needs sex and that it is your duty as a wife to be "available" for him, please refer them to these lds. org quotes.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Is the Addict Label Helpful or Hurtful?


 

Many people believe that using the term "sex addict" is detrimental, and should no longer be used when treating sex addicts because it causes them to feel too much shame.

I can definitely see how someone could feel shame by calling themselves a sex addict. I can also see how someone could feel shame by saying "I look at pornography all the time and can't stop".

Monday, February 29, 2016

Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤


Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?


Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era

&

An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence https://www.lds.org/liahona/1989/08/drunk-again-living-with-an-alcoholic-parent?lang=eng

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Why Do Addicts Lie?

Why does your addict husband lie?


Because their brain believes complete honesty will kill them.

Haha no, seriously.

It seems silly to think that the brain would really think it would die from being honest.

Hear me out...

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Great Movie & Book Review Sites For Parents

Movie Content Reviews
 
Movie/ TV
Imdb.com


Movie
http://www.kids-in-mind.com
 

Movie/ TV/ Books/ Games/ Music
http://www.pluggedin.com


Sunday, January 3, 2016

STOP Those Annoying Advertisments & Friend Suggestions

 Make Your Computer Safer!

Here is a list of ways to Opt-Out of many different types of "Interest Based Ads". I suggest opting out of all of them for every browser (chrome, Firefox, etc), and on every computer and/or iOS/Android device.

Ever go shopping online for something, for example let's say "shoes", only to then see ads for shoes pop up everywhere online afterward?
Yep. Those are called Interest Based Ads. Companies track your data (age, location, online history, your online likes and interests etc etc) and they use this data to send you advertisements customized to YOU and your computer's Advertising ID/IP address

Lame, right?


While this feature may seem harmless to someone who doesn't care to see innocent shoe ads, sadly this feature can be very dangerous to unsuspecting victims when there is someone viewing pornography in the home. No one wants their kids to get online and see those dang inappropriate sex/dating ads all because a family member was surfing porn an hour earlier ha, ok? No bueno :)

While using these steps to protect your computer won't completely remove the threat of unwanted exposure (Don't get me started the havoc pornography viewing has on the nasty spam emails that can get sent to everyone who uses the computer and the computer viruses pornography causes), these will definitely help reduce accidental exposure.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

PTSD Diagnosis Criteria

  Is My Betrayal Trauma Actual PTSD?



(****Attention: Before you automatically rule yourself out after reading Criteria A, read the definition of Sexual Violence at the bottom)





"CURRENT DIAGNOSIS OF PTSD IS BASED ON 8 CRITERIA FROM THE DSM-5 :


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Addiction Dictionary : Definitions of Common Addiction Terms


ADDICTION - 1. "Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior/rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences."
2. LDSmag. com Addiction Definition:
Addiction exists when the repeated use of a mood altering substance or behavior (of any kind) has created a dependency on itself so intense that the person doing the behavior cannot find the will-power to quit, even when the behavior is causing serious damage to one’s relationships, health, employment, and personal sense of serenity and spirituality.
3. LDS. org Church Guide Definition:
Addiction is a persistent dependence on a harmful behavior or substance. It can disrupt the ability to listen to the Spirit and limit agency. Many who struggle with an addiction suffer from shame or a sense that they are unlovable. They may feel discouragement and despair that recovery is not possible. Yet with God, nothing is impossible"
(Note: *** Lack of fequency is not always an indicator of addiction. Acting out can be once a day, once a week, once a month, or even once a year etc. and still be an addiction)

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION -  1. Pornography addiction is a behavioral addiction characterized by compulsive, repeated use of pornographic material until it causes serious negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.         
  2. Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts
  3. A condition that has been defined as a psychological addiction to, or dependence upon, pornography, characterized by obsessive viewing, reading, and thinking about pornography and sexual themes to the detriment of other areas of the viewer’s life
  4. Prolonged viewing or pornography - books, magazines, movies, or Internet pornography - that has destructive effects on the life of a person"

SEX ADDICTION - Is a term used for any addiction that is sexual in nature. Therapist Doug Weiss CSAT PhD states "Since pornography is sexual, we consider a person who is addicted to porn a sexual addict or sexual compulsive."
Includes but not limited to, sex, pornography, or masturbation addiction, prostitutes, brothels, voyeurism, or sexual fetish addictions etc etc

ACTING OUT - Intentionally seeking out any erotic and sensual stimulus, even if "accidental" at first. DEFINITE lines of acting out: Pornography, Masturbation, Infidelity, Emotional infidelity, Inappropriate relationships with opposite sex, Chatting, Flirting, Sex ad browsing, Forcing anyone to have sex (yes, even if it’s your own wife), & Massage brothels.

PORNOGRAPHY - 1. Any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. This includes scantily dressed women in bikinis, lingerie or revealing clothes, scantily dressed woman in comics, cartoons, or art, sexual content in books, risky material in movies, TV shows, phone apps, or games. For many men this also includes scantily dressed women at the gym, women's UFC fights, & the dancers during sports games.
2. LDS .org Church Definition of Pornography -
  "Pornography is any visual or written medium created with the intent to sexually stimulate. If the work was not intended to stimulate but nevertheless causes sexual arousal in an individual, it constitutes pornography for that person."
&
  "Pornography is any entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate sexual feelings. So even a mainstream television program or advertisement can be pornographic. If images trigger sexual feelings in you, you should avoid them."
&
"Pornography by definition is the display of that which is obscene and licentious."
Elder C. Gary Bennett
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/06/i-have-a-question?lang=eng

MASTURBATION - 1. To stimulate yourself sexually. In other words, to have sex by yourself, with yourself.
2. Get sexual gratification through self-stimulation
3. Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse."
4. Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies.
5. Lds author Andrew Pippanne/Rowboat&Marbles Masturbation Definition:
"Masturbation is sex with self.Sex with self is sex with someone other than your husband or wife to whom you are legally and lawfully married.Therefore, masturbation is a violation of temple covenants."
6. Lds .org Spencer W Kimball:
" Masturbation is not physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal emission or wet dream. "
(***Note they use the word "usually" and not "always". Sexually stimulating oneself with, or without orgasm, is still masturbation.)

S.L.I.P -- "Sexual Sobriety Lost its Priority" - A slip is a one-time unexpected unplanned break in abstinence. Slips are significant events that call for immediate attention because they can easily lead to relapses. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

RELAPSE - A relapse is the recurrence of symptoms of a disease or to resume acting out after a period of abstinence. Since it is acting out in ones addiction it requires a restart in sobriety. (Learn more HERE)

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Root of Defensiveness Picture


Friday, October 30, 2015

Codependency vs. Trauma

I first learned about the term codependency from the book Codependant No More. I like the book Codependent No More. It taught me some very interesting good concepts that I loved. It helped me be more aware of myself. But does the term Codependent automatically apply to spouses of sex addicts too?

Most likely not.

Instantly labeling a spouse of a sex addict "codependent" the moment she finds out the world has flipped over can run the risk of indirectly putting inappropriate blame & shame on the spouse, and can in turn indirectly cause the spouse to tolerate and enable the addict, which puts themselves in further danger.

PTSD Trauma vs. CODEPENDENCY


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Unconditional Love and Boundaries

Unconditional Love Requires Boundaries

Enabling is NOT Unconditional Love

 

"And know ye that ye shall be judges of this people, according to the judgment which I shall give unto you, which shall be just. Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." 3 Ne. 27:27
un·con·di·tion·al:
        1. without condition or limitation; absolute.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Recovery: What It Is and What It Isn't

What Is Recovery?

Wanna know what the grande ol' mystery to Recovery is? The answer we all search for when figuring out if our husbands are in Recovery? Yes?

This may be hard for some to accept.

You ready?



Sunday, August 2, 2015

Does Your Loved One Have These Symptoms?

Does your sexually addicted loved one have any of these ADHD symptoms?:


Lots of anxiety

Racing thoughts (mind won't shut off)

Mind goes so fast it becomes flooded and too overwhelmed, which often leaves one feeling tired and sluggish (aka. Feeling of running in water)

Poor reality testing skills, and avoids reason or logic.

Feels depressed and hopeless from feeling overwhelmed.

Simple tasks bring lots of anxiety (groceries, walking dog, paying bills, social activities, talking about feelings, yard work, dealing with kids etc)

Often gets "glazed over" look when being spoken directly to.

"Lazy"

Impulsive

Forgetful

Loses things easily

Constantly late

Disorganized

OVER-organized

Overwhelmed by responsibilities

Always moving and restless (tapping toes, nail biting, tidying up, bouncing leg while sitting, cleaning, fidgety etc.)

Tendency to become absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding. aka "hyper focused".

Underestimating the time takes to complete tasks

Interrupts or intrudes on others.

May have zero concept of boundaries and other's personal space.

Sense of underachievement

Doesn’t deal well with frustration

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability/Defensiveness

Emotional Dysregulation/ Mood swings (which can sometimes mimic bi polar)

Trouble staying motivated

Poor planning abilities, unable to follow through consistently or complete tasks. Ie. Making plans one day, and then completely changing their mind the next, therefore things only getting done depending on mood.

Hypersensitivity to criticism

Short, often explosive, temper

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Bored easily

Doing a million things at once

Poor sleep patterns, often not rested.

Difficulty in making up their mind, or making choices without undue anxiety.

Impatient, continuing difficulties in delaying gratification.

Overly demanding may become self-destructive and aggressive.

Unable to follow simple tasks and directions if the task does not hold an interest.

Gives up easily on tasks, assignments.

Can't keep a job

OR

Overworks and uses working as an escape/ At the end of the day they can't leave "work" AT work.

Friday, July 17, 2015

I-Statements

 How To Communicate

"We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice — that is, until we have stopped saying 'It got lost', and say, 'I lost it.' ” - Sydney J. Harris
Let's face the facts. Communicating is FREAKING hard. It can leave us feeling exposed, and being vulnerable is terrifying and uncomfortable.

Frankly, most of us were never taught how to communicate properly are often using the skills we learned as children from our parents...... who also didn't know how to communicate properly. :)

I-statement's are a helpful communication tool wrapped in pure golden magical goodness. They are statements or responses that refrain from saying "you" or "your" as much as possible. They force us to think about how we are really feeling.

I-Statements -

Dispute resolution conversation openers that can be used to communicate clearly and boldly about how we feel and how we want something to be, without putting the other person on the defensive. They are also used to acknowledge and take ownership of our own feelings.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Real Cause of Addiction.

And It's Really Not What You Think...


I felt I needed to write about this article going around,

The Real Cause of Addiction, AND It's Not What You Think :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
(***Warning: Be careful of the thumbnail articles on the right hand side of the article. Sometimes they are risky)

Thursday, July 2, 2015

How To Respond To An Addict


First off, his behavior is not your fault.

What?

HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


Saturday, May 2, 2015

90 Day Program Craziness


Don't hate me. 

I'm gonna say it...

I cant stand the 90 day program. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Choosing a Therapist

"Do I need a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist?"

I don't (don't hate me) believe a CSAT is necessary. Beneficial? Maybe...for an addict? But not necessary. I think the trick to finding a great therapist is by researching and asking the therapist lots of questions about what they believe, NOT by solely going off of a CSAT certification training that some addict created himself.


For a therapist, I would choose a Psychologist who knows about trauma and addiction over a LPC counselor who is CSAT certified ANY day. I mean, there ARE many many great LPC's who know a TON about trauma and addiction from their own life experiences and who intuitively "get it" so they are great at digging into the past, but they are harder to find. HOWEVER, if your only option is a LPC or a LPC CSAT certified, maybe try the CSAT.



Sunday, March 29, 2015

LDS Church's View On Emotional, Sexual & Physical Abuse: Quotes & Definitions

What Is Abuse


I think many of us hear abuse and we instantly think it only means being physically beaten and that unless we are being physically hit then it's not as serious. Sadly this is not so, Emotional Abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse (Learn more about emotional abuse HERE). MANY of us aren't aware of the LDS church's stance and definition of abuse, even some of our own bishops and ward leaders.

Ive compiled a list of quotes from lds.org regarding ALL types of abuse straight from handbooks, manuals, conferences, apostles, & prophets. The Church takes this matter very seriously. Please pass this info along, even quote them to your ward leaders if needed.

Knowledge is truth and light!



LDSChurch's view on Emotional, Physical, & Sexual Abuse :




* Abuse and Cruelty -


"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.

If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop. Instructions for the bishop are provided in Handbook 1.

Abuse Definition


Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Affirmations Heal

What are affirmations?


I'll explain in a way that helped me understand them (I used to think they were hippy BS haha).


We all have learned some incorrect beliefs about ourselves in our lives somewhere along the way, whether in childhood, as teens, or as adults etc. I call these Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs ---- "I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I'm not important, I don't deserve good things, I'm unlovable, I'm unsafe because I don't deserve to be safe. I can't do anything right" etc etc etc.



We ALL have them in varying degrees one way or another.

Now, how would it make you feel if a loved one called you names like stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, unlovable etc?


It would hurt your feelings right? 



I believe when we put ourselves down we are doing the same thing to ourselves. It hurts us. Except we've done it to ourselves for so long we've become desensitized to it so we don't realize how much it's actually harming ourselves. This in turn becomes MORE damaging because it is often done on a subconscious level, and VERY VERY frequently and habitually. Just because we can't consciously feel it, doesn't mean it's not doing the same amount of damage and is not hurting us.


Debilitating Negative Core Beliefs can cause addictions, diseases, disorders, physical and emotional pain and can literally wreak havoc in our bodies. 


So how do we counteract these negative beliefs? If putting ourselves down by subconscious thoughts and phrases can tear us down and hurt our body, mind, & spirit........then couldn't we also correct those negative beliefs by counteracting them with positive phrases?



I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM SAFE.


Luckily you don't have to believe affirmations for them to work at first.


When I started saying affirmations I definitely didn't love myself. I didn't feel safe. It felt like my insides were screaming "NOOOO YOUR LYING!!!!!! How dare you say it is safe!!!!!! LIAR!!!!" , and the more I said affirmations, the more those screams became like the wizard of oz witch haha "NOOOOO I'm melting I'm melting".

My affirmations were literally a direct "attack" against my negative beliefs. My negative beliefs saw the affirmations as a huge threat. So I had to say the affirmations a lot for the idea to slowly sink in enough for me to even CONSIDER believing them.



Affirmations also sound too simple to be effective. When someone first told me about them I thought they were a big load of bull, "Ha ya right, like saying I love myself is gonna help me feel better or help my body to feel better. That's stupid"...(as I muttered in my head " Ya freaking looney psycho tree hugger..." 😜).



IT IS SAFE TO FEEL.


As you start saying affirmations, don't be surprised if you feel alll sorts of whacky diverse emotions like embarrassment, stupidity, shame, guilt, depression, apathy, rage, or the urge to cry or even to laugh! THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!!


These emotions are PROOF that the affirmations are working and doing good because the positive words triggered the negative belief into "defense" mode. If the affirmation was no threat to the negative belief, it'd have no reason to defend itself. So keep saying them, stay strong!


Also when using affirmations, try to use all positive words. Our subconscious minds don't always differentiate between what context a negative word is used in. Example: "I am not mad at myself".....some part of our body will still hear "mad at myself" and "I am not".  


If you're religious you can start the first one off saying God/Heavenly Father "______" and then say the affirmation so its like your confirming it before God, thus making it more real. Then alternate between saying them over and over outloud (in the mirror if your feeling brave) or fill up an entire page writing them down over and over. THE MORE YOU DO THEM THE BETTER ITLL WORK  This is what helps me make the affirmations work better : How To Do Positive Self EMDR

Another great tip if affirmations seem too hard is to say "I want" before your affirmation. That way it won't make you feel like you're lying to yourself, and It will still be just as effective. Ex. "I want to take care of my body". 

Affirmations are also GREAT to do in front of your kids so they can learn by example!


   I WANT TO LOVE EVERY PART OF MY BODY. I WANT TO SEE MYSELF AS BEAUTIFUL.



Affirmations have changed my life in more ways than I can describe. Something so simple as saying WORDS has changed my life and has healed so many wounds that I thought were impossible to heal. 


What I love most about affirmations is that they are also a form of loving and honoring God since HE created us. He commanded us to love.....But that also applies to ourselves right? We aren't exempt from this commandment. We are a literal part of God. Our spirits know this. Our spirits know our importance and self worth, and our Negative Core Beliefs are a direct opposition to God and WHO WE ARE as children of God. Instead, what better way to honor Him than to honor His creation!


I sincerely hope affirmations help you. YOU are important. YOU deserve good things πŸ’—


Plus, you got nothing to lose by trying, right? πŸ˜—πŸ™‹‍♀️




Example Affirmations: 

I love you _____ (say your name.  YES it feels silly,  but for some reason it works really well when speaking to your child self)

I love and approve of myself
It is safe for every part of my body to relax and feel peace.

I am safe.

All is well.

It is safe for me to care for myself

I digest with ease

I want to release my weight

I want to take care of my body

I want to love taking care of my kids

I want to love taking care of my house

I want to feel safe

I want to see my body as beautiful

My mind is full of love, peace, and clarity

Life will always provide for me

It is safe for me to feel

I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably

I willingly release with joy

I see myself and what I do with eyes of love

I boldly speak how I feel with ease

It is safe to be me

I relax and recognize my self worth

Harmony and peace, love and joy surround me and indwell me. I am safe and secure.

I am safe in the here and now

It is my birthright to live fully and freely.

I lovingly balance my mind and my body. I now choose thoughts that make me feel good.

The movies of my mind are beautiful because I choose to make then so. I love me.

I am safe and secure at all times. Love surrounds me and protects me. All is well.

I am Divinely protected and surrounded by love. I now create a safe new future.

I give myself permission to be all that I can be and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and my children.

It is safe for me to be alive

***** I am important. I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.

I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

I am totally adequate at all times

It is easy for me to reprogram the computer of my mind. All of life is change and my mind is ever new

I trust my Heavenly Father. All I need is always taken care of.

I know I am worthwhile. It is safe for me to succeed.

It is with love that I totally release the past. I am free. I am love.

I am safe. I am at peace with life.

I am loving and lovable.

I release the pattern in me that created this. I am worthwhile. I DESERVE good.