Monday, February 29, 2016

Anger Can Be Healthy For Betrayed Wives

To the innocent wives suffering Betrayal Trauma ❤

Is ALL anger bad? Should we always avoid anger at all costs? Why would Christ show anger with the money changers if it's so wrong?

Lds. org states:
"Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Dealing with it in healthy ways is an essential life skill to learn." - New Era


An lds. org article about living with an alcoholic parent states:
(To the friend of the abused)
  "Drunk people do disgusting things. They may even abuse their children.
   Your friend will be both shamed and angered by these actions. And she may feel guilty about her anger. Let her know that she has a right to be angry.
   Just help her direct and control that anger so it doesn’t cause her serious trouble."
(To the abused)
 "..Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone in your circumstances would feel that way.
   And if you haven’t been able to forgive him, keep trying, but don’t feel guilty about that either.
   Forgiving is not an easy virtue to master, and nobody’s timing you." - Living with an alcoholic parent by Anne Lawrence


The American Psychology Association states "Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems."

So....which is it? Is anger bad or good? Or.....can there ALSO be a healthy type of anger?

There was a study showed once on the BYU channel about anger and they found there are 3 types of anger. To summarize in my own words, two types were unhealthy, the 3rd was healthy.

 1. "Aggressive" type anger causes you to lash out in your anger and say mean things to intentionally hurt someone etc etc. This also includes abuse, road rage, punching stuff, vindictiveness, lifelong bitterness & resentment = they deemed that unhealthy.

2. Passive type anger causes you to withdraw and hold the anger in and mask it and in often cases, internalize it. This type of anger also produces passive aggressiveness. They deemed this also unhealthy.

3. The healthy type of anger is a VULNERABLE type of anger. 1 & 2 are void of all vulnerability. When we can vulnerably express our anger then the anger brings us to action. We become proactive about changing our situation. Whether it's changing our surroundings or changing ourselves. I believe THIS is ALWAYS healthy. Because it's not the type of anger we can become stuck in. Its not that we can't feel it for a long time, especially if the matter that we feel angry about keeps re-occurring, but it's not a naturally lasting type of anger. I believe it will go away on it's own once we are proactive about changing our situation.

An example of this type of anger can also be given from the story of Christ when he was angry at the money changers.
  "God’s actions are interpreted at times as arising out of anger because he applies consequences, including punishment, for violation of his laws. But when we look at God’s punishment, we find that it is just—there is no element of hostility or revenge. This is certainly true in the case of Christ driving the money changers from the temple. He did so with sternness, but his motivation was from a desire to serve God and bless his children, not a desire to harm others." -Burton C Kelly Ensign

Psychologist Jared Dinehart brought up a great point when talking about the necessity and usefulness of anger. He asked what would happen if we DIDN'T have the emotion anger at all?
Would people walk all over us? Could anyone could come into our homes and steal whatever they wanted? What if someone came in and raped and killed our family? Without the emotion anger, what would we do?

"Research reported in the Journal Hormones and Behavior, 2010 found that anger stimulates the left frontal lobe in the brain which is associated with a motivation to be close and connect (positive affective processes)"

"Anger continues to have strong psychological survival value. Anger is the strongest sign that urges you to stand up for yourself. Anger gives you the impetus to make sure you are not treated like a doormat. Anger protects your self-identity, self-worth and entitlement to life on equal terms."

How many of us wife's have been through situations where we are angry at the lies, addict behavior and abuse and finally say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, which leads us to form strong boundaries, or to separate, or even divorce in order to protect ourselves?

Lili, founder of states: "Anger can be essential here in helping you restore the boundary that your husband violated. Please don’t allow yourself to be talked out of your righteous outrage by well-meaning friends, family members, 12-step “support” groups for partners of sex addicts, by religious leaders or even by therapists who don’t understand the particularly powerful impact this kind of soul wound carries.
Anger can be what ultimately helps you say, “No” even as society is saying, “Yes! Sure, why not? No harm is done with a man looking at pornography, a man isn’t really cheating when he worships his favorite porn idols” and other nonsense like that. Keep your “No” strong as it will help you determine and then enforce what you need to feel safe in your relationship and valued."

I'm not a fan of the belief that "anger is bad, try and avoid it, don't feel angry, try to just let it go". In many church cultures it can often naturally be very shaming to some people and can cause them to dismiss their feelings which can lead to slower healing.

I believe vulnerably feeling our emotions leads to healing them. Love and acceptance of our ourselves and our emotions, no matter what they are, leads to healing because shame can't thrive there.

Allowing oneself to feel emotions + being proactive about situation (even if its honesty about being angry with God ❤) = Naturally healing the anger. No "manual" force necessary.

What's even more healthy is loving and accepting yourself when you ARE angry. Even if we did something we know was a little on the #1 side ha. This trauma is a learning experience after all. However, I am NOT condoning aggression or violence. But you can still love and accept yourself while still vulnerably acknowledging that your behavior wasnt the most productive. An example would be "Hmm...Its OK that I'm angry for my husband lying to me. OF COURSE I'm angry. My feelings are valid and OK. I have every reason to be angry when I feel my life is in danger. But throwing that book at him and calling him a lying asshat maybe wasn't the most productive way of going about that ha. Maybe next time I will do ______ and ______ to better show my anger in a way that will better help ME."

Bring on the healthy anger! Ain't no shame. Vulnerability is beautiful ❤

Why Anger is Necessary - It's How You Use It That Counts

Negative Emotions Are Key To Well Being

PoSARC A Needed Change

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