tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post1596029058369836247..comments2023-03-25T05:49:26.326-07:00Comments on Help For Victims Of Betrayal Abuse : Should my husband disclose details of a relapse?Makemyburdenlighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08272103698183036082noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-5120392521449785002017-05-30T13:52:17.623-07:002017-05-30T13:52:17.623-07:00I'm so sorry if I come off the complete opposi...I'm so sorry if I come off the complete opposite of everyone else but how can anyone live like this?!?! I understand HOW to move on with an addict but don't understand WHY anyone should have to do that to themself! If the above said "Honey I had sex with the neighbor girl 8 times this week, I am so sorry can I clean the house?" would be COMPLETELY unacceptable, wouldn't it? Am I wrong in this? Why is porn, a definite gateway drug which just acts as a medium since he/she isn't bold enough to find real people to have sex with, treated so lightly? If it really is not that big of a deal, why aren't couples allowed to view together or sexual indecency wrong at all? There are obvious answers to these questions which I feel also belong to pornography.Sihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02692122602831786408noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-69003070563382714092015-05-13T21:41:23.702-07:002015-05-13T21:41:23.702-07:00Omg so true. That's exactly how I feel. This a...Omg so true. That's exactly how I feel. This article and your reply are dead on. I also feel like I need details because to me they reveal so much about where he is in this process. Love this site!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-59733089601930610302015-04-16T14:13:28.142-07:002015-04-16T14:13:28.142-07:00Why do you stay with him?Why do you stay with him?Jan the Womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03721736559449117732noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-7760028125239097872015-02-12T10:48:06.138-07:002015-02-12T10:48:06.138-07:00Well said and received ! good thoughts ! thank you...Well said and received ! good thoughts ! thank you :)Hopehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01324275444199174378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-24730625893361132142015-02-11T22:52:43.471-07:002015-02-11T22:52:43.471-07:00hope, like you said, every woman has to decide. an...hope, like you said, every woman has to decide. and i think needing to really know what has happened is part of the deal for both to heal. but if you are the only reason he is confessing, then is that real honesty? i feel both a need to know and a need to see what he is really willing to own and share on his own. to me, if i have to drive his recovery, that isn't recovery, for him OR for me. it's not that i don't ask questions, but i personally found i couldnt' heal if i was dependent on what he does or doesn't tell me. to me if an addict isn't ready to really own it, i don't really trust what is being said anyway. i also think that every couple has a different path through all of this so this is just my perspective.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-78175068748753104472015-02-11T13:10:03.417-07:002015-02-11T13:10:03.417-07:00I appreciate all the points you make about it bein...I appreciate all the points you make about it being YOU , and what YOU needed . I have a little theory , what YOU need is exactly what HE needs to tell you . Your oneness is a divine mystery created the moment you became one in spirit . Every time he broke that oneness IN ANY way I believe you felt it - totally my own little opinion , but I sure think I felt it , and he did when I broke it too . When I asked for details , sometimes even gory ones , now I believe I wasn''t even getting details !! I used to get all into shame for some of the things I needed to have answered , then after years of GROSS minimizing it seems to me he was living in such a dual world he honestly did not even see it as so bad UNTIL I asked him some very tough things he did NOT want to answer . So what else is new huh ? In a way it made him go back there yes, but without it he stays in constant minimize world . But here again this is just ME and US. If confession can be it''s own kind of addiction I sure wish he would try it out ! :( Confession has hardly ever happened . Also I do have to add to the needing a counselor to help through this , I / we have spent a wad on expensive counselors - one in particular takes the man back to his commonly sought after "types"" to unravel the need this " type " is fulfilling in the hole in his soul . List of degrees , expensive and he does this commonly. <br />If taking him back there is going to wake up fantasy , I for one want to be present - it feels very violating to me to have him do that without me . Also one ministry I respect grasps the power of the addict witnessing the grief from a closer description . Sometimes I don''t know anything and just want to throw in the towel on men altogether , but living without having him answer what I need to know makes me the craziest , distracted , confused of all . I would rather cry than walk around with my " I wonders " spinning around in my head . He had long term adultery also , and their conversations are just as important to me - to see the parts of his heart he shared with her . That may not be important to someone else , but it is to me . In all this crap one thing I have gleaned and it is to TRY to stop shaming myself for my needs . To create some self respect that was literally stolen from me for most of my adult life . <br />You did a great job of explaining the details vs gory details . Do you ever feel like you did need gory details , like about a certain situation or with a particular person ? Asked in a respectful way . It varies a lot for me I guess . Thank you again , you say it so well .Hopehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01324275444199174378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9125950879300674244.post-79970087494088663132015-02-11T02:35:08.463-07:002015-02-11T02:35:08.463-07:00you have every right to know what he is doing so y...you have every right to know what he is doing so you can make decisions about what you want to do. my two cents? just don't let this communication be a substitute for the work he should also do with a therapist, sponsor, etc. if he is only talking with you, it will likely not be enough for him to heal. but I think confession can be its own kind of addiction if there isn't someone also outside the marriage to whom he is being accountable. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com